Help me understand my mother....

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My relationship with my mother has been getting steadily worse for a long time. At the moment, it's probably well described by this scene from the movie Blade Runner (one of my all time favorites):

Holden: Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about... your mother.
Leon: My mother?
Holden: Yeah.
Leon: Let me tell you about my mother.
[Leon shoots Holden with a gun he had pulled out under the table]

In part the problem is that she let me be sexually abused (kind of hard to get over that one). However, another major aspect of it is that she's always positive and refuses to see the bad side of anything (ever). I'm wondering if anyone can help me understand this latter part.

Let me give you some examples.

I was bullied and sexually abused throughout school. Eventually, I dropped out to escape it. When I try to broach the subject all she will say is 'it taught you to read, you like reading, it was good for you, i don't know why you complain'.

My brother's ex-fiancee dumped him on their wedding day and repeatedly bullied and made fun of me throughout their relationship. My mother still treats her like a daughter (actually better than she treats me), and when my brother or I question her about that, she says 'I always got on very well with her, i like her'.

Those are just two small examples but I think that they illustrate the general problem well. The few times that I've tried really pushing a serious question, she bursts into tears (**sigh**).

At this stage, I've almost stopped talking to her. I just avoid her and she doesn't understand why.

It's important to me to understand where she's coming from as it was this attitude that was in large part responsible for making me so vulnerable to abuse as a child.

This isn't positivity. This is denial. She's living in a fantasy world, and I think a heavy dose of reality would be really good for her. All I can say is, be careful - you don't know what's under her rose-tinted spectacles. In fact, I might venture as far as to suggest she may need some kind of professional help.

yeah i agree with rosiemaphone. just because she appears to see 'a bright side' does not mean that she lacks understanding that her actions could be hurtful or upsetting to you and your brother.

she repeatedly makes choices that are detrimental to your well-being, and if you try to approach her, she cries? must be painful to have her doing thoughtless things to you then expecting you to stay happy. like, it kind of negates the importance of your feelings. her crying serves the same function - it forces you to suppress your natural reactions. that sounds downright manipulative!

professional help for her could be a very good idea, though i doubt she would understand the importance of it.

I agree with both. I doubt however she will be able to understand that there is anything wrong with her. She reminds me of my mother.
I see my mother more seldom, thats my way of protecting myself.

Thanks for your responses. I was hoping that I was wrong, that there was some other conclusion that I was missing. I've always felt that I was alone dealing with the Hell of my life, I think now that I probably was. At least I know that it wasn't MY FAULT that I was alone.

I can't deal with my mother's problems as well as my own, I can barely deal with my own. I just hate to lose my only family.

I'm sure that with her crying she tries to make you feel bad about questioning her. Other than that, once I saw a documentary about a very similar situation. In that film they found out that the woman didn't really wanted to have kids at all, and she regarded her children as someone who made her lose her juvenility (I hope that's the right word). Well, just my 2 cents.

I know for a fact that she didn't want children, almost my first childhood memory is of her telling me that. Unfortunately, my father died so she was 'stuck' (her word) with us. Well observed.

As soon as she starts crying, any situation instant becomes 'about her' again. The questions stop and everyone tries to make her feel better.

I think that I'm probably looking for something from her that she simply can't give. It's just that I could never watch a child be abused, I could never hurt a child. I don't understand how my own mother can do those things to me.