Feel like I can't win with NTs...a bad experience at a party

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So I was a reception for a friend's wedding, and I have was generally having a good time chatting with friends as we watched a bunch of people dancing in a circle to some hip hop. Then some strange middle aged woman walks up and comments that I look so serious. I say I'm just enjoying watching people dance. Next thing I know she's grabbed me by the arm (which I REALLY don't like) and she's tugging me to the dance floor. I really resist, then my friends start pushing me. I start to panic, saying "I don't like to dance."

But does the b***h listen? No. She keeps on tugging me into the kind of dance I dread: hip hop. And she won't let go, or listen to my protests. I've avoided touching people because I'm afraid they'll accuse me of sexual harassment, and yet here's some dumb NT grabbing me and not listening to what I'm telling her.

We get to the dance circle, in the center of which is a person break dancing, and each takes a turn. I stand on the edge, just trying my best not to look like an idiot, and then this same old cow tries to drag me into the center. Well, now I'm really getting panicked and pissed, and I finally have to forcefully shout, "I don't dance," to give her a clue, and I was able to escape.

Naturally I felt awful, and thinking back, I realize there was no way to win. If I were to go up an dance, not only would my anxiety have been through the roof, but if I'd attempted to dance, I would've looked like a fool, and everyone would have mocked me. But to back out as I did to keep from having a panic attack, I looked just a hopeless.

What can I do? Either way I wind up on the losing end, and afterwards, I was so depressed at how hopeless I was in a social situation, even at the age of 26. How in the hell will I ever make more friends, or get a girlfriend if I'm so hopeless?

She was clunky. She didn't listen. (She got into the mindset of all sending--no receiving.)

Oh, that sounds horrible. There is no way to win there, really. I hate people like that - why should you have to dance? It's not like you would try and stop people from dancing just because you personally don't like it, so why the double-standard? I probably would have bitten her and then run away.

This has happened to me way to often in the past, it has had such a strong, ever lasting affect on me, that even reading about you experience, my hand was over my mouth, I started to shake, heart pounding, breath... I am sure you understand far to well the starting feelings of a panic attack.

Aside from the fact that you are male, I could have written the exact same thing, way to many times. Things like this, are yet another reason I tend to recluse more then I should.

I do not know what it is like for other females, but I have had this happen, not just with males, but also with females. And for me, that freaks me out even more then when a male does it.
1. Males will generally back down if told to piss off
2. Females - well for lack of an better wording, generally repulse me
3. In this kind of situation I have probably had a couple to drink - I get very different when I have had a couple, occasionally.
4. I am very straight
5. If I have had a couple drinks I am more likely to really not respond well to this

Even your fear of sexual harassment, I can kind of identify with. Except, for me it is not harassment, but rather advancement I fear gets suggested.
In social, mixed sexed events, I am terrified of this happening. I can completely understand why men say they do not understand females. Hell I am a female, and I do not understand the majority of them. I have had more male friends, then I could ever have female- they are just, odd to me. Just because I have said hi or omfg, actually let a persons bf hug me - does not mean I want him. More times then not, I have known the guy a lot longer then he was the females bf. or she even has known him.

Not sure if age really has a factor in all of this stuff, because if it did, I should have learnt some things a lot better then I have.

Also, OP, just out of curiosity, at what age does a male of 26 now consider a female middle aged? Because, your only a couple years younger then, well, most of my exes. So I cannot help but wonder..

Many people act like asses at weddings, especially after a few drinks. I attended my last one 20 years ago and will never go to another.

The woman was at fault. You have the right not to want to do something.
I never liked dancing. It is plain silly.

You do realize that all the bad stuff that would have made you "not win" is entirely in your head. You failed only because of your own anxiety.

This experience could have been a lot of fun is you didn't take it so seriously.

I've had people force me into social interaction many times and it's horrible.. The second the woman grabbed your arm, you were doomed. She was probably drunk, but had good intentions.

Basically, look at situations like this as if it is a hostile confrontation. It that case you would want to AVOID having it turn physical, so you use talk to deflate them and avoid a fight.

So, in this case, she grabbed your arm and the "fight" was on. There was really not much that you could say or do after that to make it better.

Your only point of return was when it was still only verbal. When she commented that you looked so serious, you encouraged her to pull you in by saying that you were watching. Most NT's (except photographer/poet types) don't understand mere observation very well. They assume that when you watch something, you want to participate and that you are merely shy.

The "pulling in" actually works well for some people, provided that the shyness is due only to inhibition. However, in our case, it is due to an actual social deficit, so pulling us in is much like throwing a penguin off a high cliff. It won't fly just because it's a bird.

So your best opportunitiy to nip it in the bud was to respond to her with something that would be appropriate for such an ignorant comment, such as, "I'm very ill right now and should probably sit down, or a good friend of mine just recently passed away." Either one of those are my standard responses in situations in which people are just having TOO much fun and I'm in danger of forced participation.

I had the same experience once at a Christmas party, except it was actually friends of mine from work who tried to drag me onto a dance floor. It very nearly became violent, because they were drunk and didn't want to take 'piss off' for an answer. I did finally manage to get the message across without having to actually punch anybody, but I think they were shocked that I was willing to resort to that if that's what it took. Some people are just thick, and alcohol makes them even thicker.

No means NO. Refusal to accept that amounts to assault.

oh i hate it when people do stuff like that

As if it is a hostile confrontation? Sorry, but if my fight or flight gets triggered, there is no 'as if' to it. I try to AVOID confrontations especially physical ones - but sometimes, some people will not just take no as an answer.




Excuse me, but, how the hell do you see that as encouraging her? Better yet, how could they even take it that way?
If almost nothing they do makes any sense, how is it, they are not the ones being labelled odd and weird?

(sorry, I don't want to come off like a b***h or that I am picking on your explanation.. I am just trying really hard to understand this)



Thank you for this.. I was starting to feel.. 'singular' in my beliefs for this.

If a strange woman who I didn't know started pulling me somewhere, I'd tell her to get the hell away from me, then inform her that if she didn't stop, I'd have to resort to physical force.

If that happened to me, I'd stomp on the person's foot, and than start running away, as fast as I could.

Is fainting a defence against this kind of thing?

I remember blacking out and Not being accused
of doing anything violent, just laying there
and someone calls ambulance.

Some girls for some stupid reason started
teasing me and cheesing me off, but I
fainted, and as I hit the ground I heard
them gasp and stop laughing, they were
calling abulance and saying "I hope he's ok"
hmm, so when something serious happens
it isn't fun anymore?

I woke up in hospital and I got all
these flowers and foods and things
from all the girls who had caused me to
faint. I then realised it was an accident
and I tride to forgive them, they seemed
to be rilly sorry for doing what they did.

I enjoy dancing to Rock n Roll, but don't ever force me to dance to Hip Hop.

As somebody on the more NT side, the behavior this woman showed you at the wedding would be annoying to anybody - SHE is at fault, YOU did nothing wrong. While I'm sure the woman meant well, remember that a drunk person is 500% more impaired than everyone else around them, especially with social cues - no matter what you usually struggle with, at that moment your social skills were superior, and I'm fairly certain any sober person in the room would be able to see that.

"I think I need to sit down (or go outside for air/ get a cold drink) I don't feel well" is a good phrase to use in this situation - it is accurate, even if other people read other meaning into it. Also, a good strategy when someone is dragging you against your will is to go nearly limp and lean hard away from them, against a table or chair - you're harder to drag. Eventually they will leave you alone.