funeral/hospice etiquette?? help

Post Reply New Topic

My grandfather went into hospice yesterday and my grandma is having a really hard time with it. My mom says the doctors think he will pass in the next week or two.

I feel very badly for both my grandparents, of course. But even more than that, I feel a huge spurt of social anxiety. I hate social occasions related to death - I never know what to say, or how to act. I think I view death very differently than people around me do, and while I know intellectually all of the feelings people might be having, I'm not necessarily having them myself (unfortunately, because that really helps me in other situations to be "properly" empathetic) and I don't easily recognize changing emotions in others. To compound matters, I didn't discover I had AS until my mid-twenties, and my family is not very open to ....well, to what my dad would call "excuses for bad/lazy behavior", and so I haven't told any of my family members about it.

So I am worried that in the midst of this situation, I'll do or say something inappropriate and there will be a backlash - my grandma will feel hurt, my mom will be angry at my insensitivity....**deep breath**. I'm trying to remember that I can just take it slow - I know it's appropriate to be subdued anyway, and I'm going to try and stay away from humor entirely. But I'm still nervous. Aside from wearing black, speaking softly, and not making jokes, what else should I try to keep in mind?

Well, I don't know about wearing black if your grandfather is still alive, but maybe you should try viewing this as just visiting your grandfather (but obviously a much more subdued visit. I'm pretty clueless in this area as well but I do realize the person who is dying is still a person who wants to be treated as such and wants to enjoy whatever time they have left.

Why would you want to bring humor into this occasion, you seem to know its a solemn time for your family, joking never go's over well at these times, people are going to be very emotional and can be sensitive.
Now if your at your sisters wedding and she pregnant go ahead and joke

I don't *want* to bring humor into it - sometimes things I say that I don't mean to be funny are taken that way. I just meant, I'm going to avoid saying anything that usually ends up being taken that way. Like, I have a habit of pointing out things in the situation that are opposite to everyone else's mood. I think my goal is to give evidence that the world is not 100% how it might seem at that moment, but it seems to come off as being insensitive or irreverant to most people, they think I am trying to be humorous.

I won't be visiting my grandfather in hospice, I should have been more clear. He doesn't wish for people to see him "like that", so mostly my mom and and my little sister and I will be helping my grandma to deal with the after-death stuff. I know that my mom expects me to be involved in planning the memorial service with her and my aunt. This is stressing me out the most, for two reasons. 1, my mom and aunt don't always get along and I'm worried I will end up the peacekeeper. Sometimes I do okay in this role, but I guess I'm nervous about it now because I've never really understood all the obsession with ritual and propriety for funerals. This sort of ties into 2, that many people in my family have different religious beliefs from each other. Religion/theology is currently one of my special interests, but after a few bad incidents I've learned that even people who say they are very religious don't like to talk about it with any depth, they just want you to...I guess not disagree with them. So I try to avoid it in normal conversation, because even my acknowledging statements have been taken badly. But last time we had a death in the family (I was much younger and not at all interested in religion at the time), people talked a lot about what they believe about the afterlife and I'm just worried I will somehow put my foot in my mouth.

leejosepho, thank you for your advice about listening. That's another thing that worries me, spending time with my grandma when she is this upset. Occasionally leaving her to her thoughts is a fantastic idea, I wouldn't have thought of it but she will probably appreciate that space and it will also give me some "downtime", plus make the long hours seem more manageable since I can always be planning my next little break. This is actually such a good, "common-sense" type of idea for me in social situations generally that I can't believe I haven't thought of it.

Heya.

There might be a bit social differences where I am from to where you are from but.. Im not on the spectrum and I too have difficulties with these social events concerning deaths and funerals. Even if I unfortunally went through many of them.

Som social "rules" or "do this"-guidelines where I am from:

-If the person dying is not in your immediate family, its considered sweet to bring flowers and a card of condolances to the nearest family of the deceased.
-If people offer you their condolances, thank them. I was SO confused when people offered me condolances and I wasnt the one closest to the deceased. Offering your condolances back is also OK.
-Humor is OK "afterwards", after the ceremony itself I have frequently seen and heard warm smiles and jokes - but they have all been tied to the personality of the deceased. Either a funny thing they did or used to say - so a "warm" and personal humor tied to the person you are gathered to miss can be OK. Jokes aside of the topic or even morbid jokes should be kept among those you know for sure will handle it and not be offended.
-Cremations is not common where I come from and the funeral ends with casket being lowerd into the ground. Bring a simple flower, a white or red rose and put on the casket before lowered into the ground or toss in afterwards as people are leaving. (Again, this is common where I am from).
-When people mourn there is no right thing to say. Anyone struggles with saying the "right" thing in these situations so they stay safe and with the cliches. "I'll miss him" "He was a good man" "He certainly leaves a empty space in the family" "I hope he is doing well now - wherever he may be". In religious circles comforting words of God taking well care of him is also common and "safe".

So dress up nice for the event, go black mainly, act a bit quiet/subdued (I would call is respectful), be polite (thank people for condolances), offer those closer to you their condolances. Give your grandmother a hug (ever even just take her hand and squease it well) and tell her intently that her husband will be missed. Try to not stray off "topic" during a dinner afterwards. Dinners or events after a funeral often ends with a calm "normal" dinner atmosphere - but its a place and time for the people left behind to be together and comfort one another if needed.

If there are songs or hymns sung - even if you dont feel like singing, move your lips and glare a bit into the ground. Gets you off the "hook". My voice never holds in those situations, so I mime along with.


Also... I am really sorry for your grandfather and for you and hope you'll get well through this.

This must be very hard on you and your family.

Whatever you do, don't wear black while he is still alive. That is insulting. Wear it at the funeral and viewing and such.

You should pretty much just stay as quiet as possible and speak only when spoken to and with as few carefully chosen words as possible.

At my cousin's funeral, I was talking to my aunt (my cousin's mother) and she was remarking that my cousin was too young to die. Then for whatever reason, I said "That's because only the good die young." It was well intentioned, but my aunt was offended because she was in her 80's and obviously hadn't died yet. She eventually got over it, but she was definitely mad at me for a while.

My cousin was also at hospice. They do have a tendency to speed things along there by pumping people full of morphine. There are far better pain meds such as toradol, but they like morphine. Just wear causal clothes when visiting there.

Thanks everyone.