A simple tip to make new friends and keep your partner happy

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Hi, all. I'm new here. Let me begin by saying that I am not a neurotypical, however I dated a guy who had Asperger's and inattentive ADD. Unfortunately, he was very unwilling to share those experiences with me when asked and I had to take it upon myself to read books and educate myself about his experiences. Ultimately, he chose to be emotionally dishonest with me about who he was and was always trying to be something he wasn't and it didn't work to his advantage. Lying about yourself isn't a good policy, especially if you are lucky enough to find someone who cares about you in spite of any difficulties and just wants to be there for you. Relationships built on lies are not only unfair but they don't last and after much trying, I ended the relationship. However, the experience changed me and I became very invested in learning about these disorders. I wanted to share some tips for anyone in a similar situation (i.e. dating someone who isn't a neurotypical or who has a different life experience) based on things I perceived were problems in that particular relationship. I'm sure all of you are very different and have your own separate set of symptoms so this doesn't describe all, but I did want to throw some pointers out there I thought could help you make a stronger connection to us so that you can all be happier in your social lives.

One problem I had in the relationship was that my boyfriend had trouble showing interest to me in ways I could see clearly and understand. He seemed shocked if I expressed that I didn't feel cared about, I guess his meaning of that would be that he spent his weekends with me so obviously he liked me. It takes a lot more than spending time with someone to make them feel that you have strong feelings for them. Because anyone can spend time with another person and it could be just as much out of boredom and loneliness than actually really liking someone. If you are a neurotypical and aren't sure what signs a person looks for when determining if someone is interested in them romantically/sexually/etc, try typing into google things like "signs a guy likes you". Some of the things said are tacky but generally there's a lot of truth to a lot of them. Since you don't experience a strong understanding of social signals, body language, etc, it's good to know what you can do to show someone that you are interested in them on a deeper level. Learning to show you care is vital to having a happy relationship or making new friends.

I once read a quote in a book about emotional intelligence that said that "people care a lot more about people who care about them than someone who can memorize the periodic table". This reminds me a lot of my ex-boyfriend who had this way of always seeming more interested in anything that wasn't a person, including me. He knew more about a star in the sky light years away than me and I was right in front of him. Coupled with the ADD factor, there was no competing with video games, television, his cell phone. When they were around, I was irrelevant. It wasn't that he didn't know how to ask questions; If I was a proton or a penguin, he would have asked a million questions and been completely involved and committed to trying to understand every aspect of what I was about and how I functioned. If it was a person, he'd just shut down. Applying the same techniques to asking about subjects you are interested in and equating them to people is really helpful.

A little trick that can be useful for anyone looking to make friends or strengthen their relationship is to learn to ask questions about the person you are with as it shows interest to the other person. For example, my ex had this bad habit of never asking pertinent questions. Learning to make small talk and just ask someone who their day was, even if you don't know or understand why it should be relevant to you, goes a long way in making someone feel cared about.

Examples:

If a person is sick, as them "How are you feeling? Are you feeling any better? What symptoms do you have? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

If someone is upset, you can try to calm them down just by holding them and listening to what they have to say if you don't know what to say yourself. Reassure them by letting them know it's going to be ok and they can talk to you. Let them know that if they need anything, you are there.

If your partner is upset, don't let them leave angry. Talk to them and ask them what's wrong and what you can do to make the situation better.

Don't ever feel bad asking for help or asking what you can do if you aren't sure, it shows that you are trying and that you want to help.

If someone goes on a trip, ask them about it when they come back. Ask what they did, if they had fun, if they have any pictures to share, etc.

One problem I had in the relationship was that my boyfriend couldn't bring himself to ask any of this but he'd go on for hours talking about his experiences. Such as, if I took a trip, he'd pick me up at the airport and not ask me anything about it as if it had never happened and then he would proceed to spend the next several hours talking about what he did while I was gone. Conversations have to be mutual. If you aren't sure what to ask, ask similar questions to what they ask you. For example, if someone asks you what you did during the weekend and you tell them, follow it by asking "how about you?" Something that differentiates a conversation between a neurotypical and someone who isn't is the exchange of information. It's important for you to ask questions because it indicates that their experience is important to you. Small talk may feel pointless, but it isn't. We are all capable of asking those questions and it's a good habit to get into if you want to meet new people or show someone you truly care. Not taking that time makes you come off as selfish, unaware, and uninterested, and it may sound vain but people in general enjoy being asked about themselves. He certainly did.

If you are ever unsure in a social situation of what you can do, just ask. People will tell you what they need. And when they do, listen.

Good luck to everyone.

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From the outside it might look like it's just not knowing certain things (which is partly true), but it's more complicated than that. It assumes a lot of supporting abilities in place.

For example, telling someone they can talk to you if they're upset. That assumes that you aren't prone to inadvertently saying things that make people more upset. Or having no verbal response at all, which may also upset someone more. And if you're touch averse, that is another way you can make someone feel worse. And if other people's distress is completely overwhelming, it can again make responding the "right" way impossible.

So, if you're not completely oblivious to how you affect others, you might feel it's safer, and even more ethical, to avoid situations like that. That it hurts people less not to get into such situations. Of course, from the outside, all people see is someone who doesn't appear to care.

I don't mean to say your entire essay is wrong; there's a few good points there. It's just that "NT minus a little social knowledge" is not equal to "ASC." There are differences in sensing/processing/etc., and what you see might be the way it is for different reasons than you think.

Perhaps these tips are more applicable to how guys should treat the woman in their life, I haven't found this approach very helpful towards guys (as a woman). I ask a lot of questions of people (clever: this way they have to do most of the talking) but it's not really a panacea.

I think that though I ask a lot of questions, I am not asking the right questions or not asking them in the right way. For example if I have peppered a guy in my life who is sick with these questions: "How are you feeling? Are you feeling any better? What symptoms do you have? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" by that time the response is, "leave me alone!". They don't want to talk about it. Very few people seem to want to go into details when they are sick. And frankly when people ask me when I am sick and I respond with details of my symptoms they are usually grossed out and say they wish they hadn't asked.

Same thing with being upset. When people get upset I always try to find out what is wrong and talk about it. Generally speaking (especially if it's a guy) they don't want to talk about it. Even if it's a woman they often don't want to talk about it. Frequently it turns out the problem is me, which is perhaps why they don't want to talk about it, but the more I "bother" them about it the more irritated they get.

More often than not I find out later that they were irritated with me about something I did or said, but they refused to tell me at the time and denied that this was the problem, claiming either that nothing was wrong, or that the problem was unrelated (even if they later admitted I was the problem).

good tips, but remember to an aspie everyone communicates in a way that makes no sense.

to you, only he does.

if you were in a relationship with someone who was deaf, you might learn a little sign language.

To the original poster. I get the impression you don't quite get the terminology around here

NT = NeuroTypical = "Normal" person... or person who doesn't have 'integration issues'