My Room Mate is a Thief!

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One of my room mates, David, has been consistently stealing food from me most of the year in addition to other low handed things. If I catch him, he pays me but he is totally and completely unapologetic. He always claims that he is in the right and makes circuitous philosophical arguments to the point.

My living arrangements are this: there are two rooms each with a door to the hall and a connecting door between them. I live by myself in the smaller of the two rooms. David and Trevor (the other room mate) live in the other.

Anyway, I make coffee every morning for the three of us (it's automatic so I set it up the night before and set the time for it to start. David has to get up earlier than I do so he just comes in quietly and gets his coffee. This morning I hear the popping noise of my box of doughnuts being opened and I catch him red handed stealing one. He said something about paying me but I was too groggy to make much of an argument.

After my first class I came back to the room and let myself just explode at him. I'm usually a fairly passive person so it was an interesting experience. I told him that stealing even food is flagrantly disrespectful to me and my property and I pointed out the many times he's stolen food from me and my room mate (he has a full meal plan so it's not like he's going hungry). I told him to stay out of my room for a week and that if it happened again I would be talking to the RA. It seems ridiculous to get so upset about food but nothing else has gotten through to him or changed his behavior. He won't listen to reason or allow that people have a right to personal property (which is odd considering he is a philosophy major).

I suspect that he is a kleptomaniac but that only explains the stealing not the unapologetic attitude. Both room mates know I have AS and I have often told them that if I insult them or I piss them off in any way, I want to know about it and I will make it right if possible. For the most part I don't get any kind of apologetic response to him despite Trevor and I telling him that what he did was wrong.

Interesting, the naked rage seemed to get through to him. As I was writing this, he came in and apologized and said that he would ask in the future.

Another example of his egotism is when I ordered some RAM for him. He needed to get more for his laptop because it was running very slowly so I said I would find out what kind he needed, ordered it, and install it if he would pay for the shipping of the RAM and another part I was going to order at the same time. I told him the total he owed me was $62 and asked if that was ok with him. He said yes and I ordered it, installed it, etc. A couple days later I asked him when he was going to pay me back (for convenience, I payed for it with my credit card) and he said he didn't have the money and that he would owe me. I had no idea he would buy something when he didn't have the money for it and that he would expect me to leave it on my credit card balance at 22% interest. I bought the RAM in early December and he just payed me $50 dollars of his debt to me last week. He said that he thought that it would be fine with me to just let him owe me because I sold Trevor the TI89 I bought 3 years ago for $100 that I was going to let him pay when he had the money. His thought process makes no sense to me.

The irony of all this is that I'm a pretty generous person. If he had asked for the doughnut I would probably have given it to him. If he had asked if he could pay me later for the RAM I would have been glad to work out a way for him to cover the interest that accrued on it. Dealing with him is irritating me no end but I don't want to totally cut him off because he has very few friends (even compared to a social slug like myself) and Trevor and I are pretty much the only people who can put up with him.

Any comments on how I've been dealing with him? Suggestions very very welcome!

Nice, see the difference between "asking for something" and "just taking it?" I'm generous too, but when people start demanding I be generous, I do the human thing and refrain. No one likes force.

I totally understand your thoughts and feelings towards this, I really do.

First things first, don't buy this fellow anything more. If he doesn't have money, you may get nailed for something at some point. Stuff DOES add up.

Secondly, if the food is really a concern, you could suggest that if he is going to continue to take your food, that you will keep track of it. If you are serious, make a spread sheet. Once you feel he has taken enough "donuts" to fill a pack, he owes you a new box. Maybe suggest you pool your funds and buy groceries together (I dont like that, he can eat it all and leave you with nothing and try to justify it).

A third thing is to hide all your food. It seems ridiculous it would come to that, but you may want to look into hiding the good stuff, like the doughnuts and other items.

I tihnk you do/did a good job at confronting them about it but it doesn't seem to be getting through to them (thick skull?). I've a friend just like that who will steal another persons food if they put it down to take a piss.

I live alone so I dont need to deal with this but believe me, it was on my mind when deciding a roommate.

This is exactly why on another thread some of us warned a young man not to get a roommate. This is what happens. When I had a roommate she stole food from me, then bitched when I didn't buy her favorite flavor of ice cream. And when I did buy a carton of ice cream that we were suppose to go halfers on she would eat 3/4 of the 1 gallon carton by herself in one sitting! This person would later come to my apt to visit when I was living alone and without asking walk over to my freezer and fridge to see what I had good to eat. Then without asking she would dish herself out some ice cream (meanwhile bitching about my bowls)and even take some candy or granola bar in her bag to eat later.

Some people are just scum bags like this. The only solution is don't live with anyone unless you are married to them and are combining your finances.

If you have a roommate that eats your food they are doing this so they won't have to buy their own food. They don't have to worry with going to the store. Plus they save their money so they can spend it on beer, cigarettes, movies or cds. It's called using someone. Live alone if you are single!!

Can you get a mini-frig to keep your special food in your own room? I think it would be a lot harder for him to take it from there than from the public space of the kitchen. Did he grow up in a large family? I've observed that folks like that sometimes don't have the same sense of privacy about things, IOW he might not even view your doughnuts as private property in the same way you view them ... ? On the other hand, other people I've known from large families guard their private posessions like tigers LOL.

I agree that you shouldn't buy him stuff any more.

Don't buy anything for that guy. I think I know of a relative who has AS but is undiagnosed and people have used him to get thousands of dollars (over a long period of time), both in cash and in things. Be very careful.

I think people with AS are very vulnerable to these type of people who use you to get money and other things. They know we are isolated and want friends so they try to take advantage of us.