Group dynamics! AAAAH!

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Does anyone really hate when you're feeling as though you're not part of a group? Case-in-point: My family had friends over here, and I'm talking, and it doesn't feel like my input is being valued. So, I removed myself from the situation. Does anyone else feel like this sometimes? WHat do you do to avoid it when you are being part of a group?

Yes, even here sometimes. I'll make a comment and it's ignored. A little further down the thread someone will make exactly the same point and get responses. I guess I lack presence. Oh well. I care less than I used to.

I come from a family of devout fundamentalists. I learned as a child there are just times when you keep your mouth shut because the group is validating its 'hive' point of view and putting in your two cents will only get you dirty looks and stunned silence (at best). They don't want exchange of ideas, they want affirmation of the status quo.


Better to be ignored than buried up to your neck in the sand and stoned as a heretic.

yeah, i organized a pub outing on friday. i got about 6 people from work to go, and one girl i invited convinced 4 others to come along. well, i ended up sitting mostly by myself at one end of the table while everyone gathered around that girl at the other end of the table. at one point people were even sitting on a window ledge to get closer to her. i guess she has charisma or something.

i wasn't by myself all the time. people did talk to me sometimes too (or rather, i talked to them), but i always felt like i was killing the conversation. at one point, when i felt really low, on the way back from the washroom i almost started talking to a table full of people i didn't even know! i figured, why not? sigh.

I have had really similar situations--where I felt like I was on the outside looking in. Not sure what is appropriate. Part of me is OK with just listening and not contributing much, but then it seems lurky or stalker-y or something so then I feel the need to say something. Which always comes out stupid and then I feel worse than if I just listened. Blah...

Exactly what happens to me. My friends complain that I don't talk enough, then just completely ignore me half the time I do say something.

Yeah, every time I have to do anything in a group, I just feel like the odd one out, though I don't even have any idea why. These days I'm lucky enough not to be put in that situation a lot, but when I am, I usually just don't bother.

yeah, sometimes i feel like my speech must be more like bombs than conversation. nobody seems to know what to say next after me. but a lot of the time my interests are the exact opposite of everyone else. for example, i was talking to 3 people at work, and one girl said she hates ladybugs.

so we started talking about insects and small crawly animals, which i happen to love. which nobody else there happens to love. so did i impress anybody with my big long spiel about my pet millipedes i used to have, back in the day? or about how i found a slug in my bathroom the other day and it was so cute?

um, that killed the conversation, and i felt so dumb. but we were talking about insects to begin with so i thought it was okay. i know i said the wrong thing but i couldn't pretend i didn't like little critters. i should have just stayed quiet.

Most groups that I have ever been a part of I feel on the prephiary of. I have felt a part of the group, but again feel that there is some type of barrier that keeps me from being in the group itself.

I often notice this when it comes to my civic involvement. I am acquaintances with a number of the public officials and decision makers in our community. On the other hand, I am not quite sure how to respond when they are at a meeting or a get together and they throw an idea or a proposal out. Even though I don't disagree with them on many aspects, for some reason I want to be in their shoes making the same decisions.

What usually happens with me is that people say I'm too quiet or I just don't try hard enough in group situations.

One time in a conversation with a group of people, they actually closed me out of the conversation with their body language. I sighed heavily and stood there looking like One of the guys noticed and apologized; he also turned so that I was not closed off from what was going on.

Honestly, it is draining to go through this kind of thing constantly or not be able to get a word in edgewise. It's frustrating to speak up only to be seemingly ignored. It's easier just to go off by myself, but then I get called anti-social, standoffish!

Yeah this happens to me a lot. More than once, for example, i've been a part of a Youtube party, i guess you could call it...a group of people who gather to have fun, but end up camped out in front of the computer watching Youtube videos. So I'll finally suggest a video that i know they'll love, that isn't my usual weird esoteric BS but really mainstream with elements from the preceding videos-- and they'll all talk during it and ignore it, or they'll pause it because somebody's talking, then when they get back to the computer, they just put something else on.

& this is really 1 of my humongous pet peeves, because many times in my life i have specifically branched out into things that i am not personally interested in, just to please the mainstream and get an "in"...and then when they're like, "durr, what's that, is that one of your weird things?" That makes me veer strongly towards violent thoughts!

How RUDE!! !! I'D stop associating with those people!! !!

In those situations, you have to make sure you're matching the volume and liveliness of the group. So if everyone's speaking really quickly, loudly and gesturing a lot (if they're all talking excitedly about something), you need to be just as loud and lively in order for your input to even compute or compete with the rest of the group's. And if everyone's going a mile a minute and interrupting each other and just chattering, you can't be afraid to "interrupt" - but ONLY if everyone else is doing it to each other.

In these situations, don't expect a serious, important discussion where everyone takes turns and really listens to the speaker. It's more like a gaggle of geese making noise.

For you guys getting blanked... you are "killing the vib". People have this kind of emotional state, it's almost like a high. The group emotional state goes up and down and changes, and groups like to be in a similar state (this makes them feel they belong). If you lead the state, you are valued. If you kill it, you are shunned. Talking in a low-emotional, monotonous voice about factual things is a mood killer, and people hate it.

To talk to groups like this, you have to work with the current mood - not change it too much at a time, keep it emotional. Excited, conspiratorial, passionate, interesting, in-suspense.. etc etc, all work. What you say doesn't have to make logical sense (it's best if it doesn't), but it should speak to people's emotions. Emotions = feelings about people.

It's like a film ... people want a film that has tension, emotion, drama... a good ending is fine, but they want a journey, risk, and thrills and spills along the way.

Also, people are kinda dumb, I find it best to introduce one concept per sentence, and to backtrack over it a bit as you develop a theme. People have a lot to take in (they read emotions, language, body language, your tonality, etc all at the same time) .... and in a group they generally won't all be able to follow you that quickly.

With a bit of practice, you can take a small thing that happened to you (spontaneous or that-day is good) and talk about it in a way that's emotionally engaging enough to work in groups. A surprise ending is good, a difficult social quandry is good, a neat and interesting conclusion is good. If they all stare at you at the end, they're looking for emotional leadership... help them by being in that state yourself.

You need conviction and it takes practice, but it can be done, and when you do it can be a lot of fun... especially when you can fit all this into a nice logical framework that makes some degree of sense