Reciprocity

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I have a bit of a social issue going on.

Most of my friends have problems that are omnipresent and oscillate as being all-consuming. In almost all of my friendships, my role in the relationship dynamic is to listen and give feedback, whether it's venting, ideas, creativity, etc. In theory, I could put those people in that same role and I could take theirs. The offer is open in most of those relationships. I have taken the offer from time to time. The dynamic is usually nowhere near as...engaging or attentive...as it is when I'm the feedbacker. I've always noticed it, and on some level, it's always baffled and frustrated me. I don't voice it. It would cause more problems, irreversibly destroy my dynamic with others and, worst of all, it wouldn't change anything.

I'm usually okay with doing those things for people, and I psych myself up into enjoying and wanting to do them because many times I stop what I'm busy with to be a friend and give my full attention, so long as I have an outlet or something else in my life that requires a lot of my time and effort. Like, a job - it's hard to dwell on anyone else for an inordinate amount of time when you have a psychotic boss breathing down your neck.

People need to feel they matter, that they're interesting, that their interests, hobbies, dreams, individuality, SOMETHING about them is worth being in center stage once in awhile and enjoyed. Yes, even me. I want me-centric attention just as much as the next person. Of course, I would never expect that all the time. That's not fair, and nobody in the world is that interesting. Without a pressure valve, I feel like a wall for other people to throw thoughts at, instead of them being interested in me as a person. I feel like a thing. A tool. An escape. Like I'm supposed to take it with my legs in the air, no matter what orifice it feels like it's going in, and if I squirm a lot, it's a shortcoming. Is this selfish of me to admit? Maybe. Do I allow it? Because I want to feel connected to others. I'm a curious person whose natural impulse is to query into other people's lives when cued, so maybe I bring a lot of it on myself. But a lot of people expect or at least really hope for it, so I don't feel too bad about stating it.

Has anyone else ever encountered this phenomenon in the social world? Is it really impossible to get some people to reciprocate?

It sounds like you feel your friends are just using you and not reciprocating. One solution might be to get new friends. Another solution might be to accept people more the way they are -- for example if someone isn't able to give you that much attention, accept the amount of attention they are prepared to give you.



If you genuinely want to give someone your full attention, then it's a good idea to do so. But if on the other hand you are just doing it to be polite, or so your friend won't be offended, or in an expectation that they will do the same for you later, that could be problematic.



It's entirely reasonable to want attention sometimes.



That is not good.



Do your friends know that you want them to reciprocate like this?

I get this as well.

I think its mostly because I am a very curios person, as well as being a problem solver. So if a friend tells me a problem, then I have at least 3 reasons to want to hear more and potentially help them.

However if I want to ask their advice on something, then they are normally willing to listen. This is also the same as with you, its not as engaging. I don’t think this is because they don’t care / don’t want to help. I think this is because I’m not good at accepting help, or communicating what help is needed, and so its better the other way round, with me as listener.

That is my experience, for what it is worth.