should I go?

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What do you guys reckon?

A friend of mine from high school is getting engaged.

Background:

We lived in the same town for 10 years and would have been close-ish growing up (she initially thought I was cool, and then later on fancied my brother and suddenly became my best friend. We were genuinely close for a while though, and I wasn't the most likeable person as a teenager).

Since high school though, we go to universities in different cities (6 hours apart). I don't come home very often (hated the place) and she does every weekend. All her other friends from high school went to the same university as her, so essentially her 'gang' are still all together and I'm the odd one out (different high school and uni).

Over the years, contact has gotten less frequent. We used to talk online when I was in first year and she was still in high school, then when she went to college with all her other friends, the contact took a nose dive as she was never online.

We'd occasionally meet up in the home town and she once visited me when she and a couple of friends needed a place to stay before they went abroad (I had been invited but had exams). At the start, she would ask every so often when I was coming back and would (I felt) guilt-trip me a bit about not coming home. So I came back more often than I wanted to, but again, not very often.

OK, that was just setting the picture and giving a bit of background. Fast forward a couple of years; I meet up with her when I am back home and go out to pubs with her and her friends (I also know them too). I'm kind of left on my own though; she always just chats and gossips with the friends and I do wonder why she even bothered to invite me in the first place.

I found out a couple of months ago that they (her and a few friends whom I also know through her) went abroad for her 21st birthday and didn't bother to invite me. I was a bit hurt by this; I invited her to my 21st and she didn't bother to come (it was in the city I study in, but I had given her loads of warning). Her excuse was that she had work, but I know where she works and they would not have had an issue with her taking a day off. She has asked me in the past to holidays (in that NT-ish 'ooh, you must come next time' kind of way, but it rings very falsely and she has since made similar statements which are a joke, considering she doesn't even seem aware that she completely forgot about me).

So fast forward to last week. She's just gotten engaged to her boyfriend and she sent a text saying that they're having a meal in my home town. I was out with friends at the time and had had a couple to drink, so I just texted back saying that I'd come as I would be back anyway (for a different thing).

The thing is, her meal coincides with the reason I was going home in the first place (just some folksy thing that sounded like it might be cool) so I'd basically be spending 4 hours in a bus each way to spend an entire weekend in a kip that I hate, just to spend a couple of hours at a meal for a 'friend' who couldn't even be arsed coming to my 21st or inviting me to hers.

My bf reckons I should go- they may want me to be a bridesmaid. I highly doubt that; if it's anything like the last few occasions I've gone out with them, it'll be me sitting in a corner or making boring small talk with whoever else is being left out, whilst she and her friends natter on and gossip and organise bridesmaid dresses etc. I'm in final year at uni; I do have better things to do

So,... should I go? Am I being petty for being pissed off at not being invited on holidays with them? I probably would go if I thought it would be fun, but I know from experience it will be dull as paint. If I went it woud be purely for her sake, but why should I?

I think that you should go.

That's not so cool. She should ask you, and maybe say why she wants you to come. But she shouldn't pressure you (or, she should graciously back off if she does).

That's not so cool either. She could practice 'host' behavior and she's not.

I guess it goes to show that NTs don't always have great social skills either.

This is perhaps the opening. Yeah, if you go by yourself, you'll probably have a sorry time. But if you go with your bf, or with someone else, you might be able to take the high road. This is someone who used to be a friend, and nothing wrong with that. She used to be a friend, and you're going to an important occasion to wish her well (and a wedding is a more important occasion that a 21st birthday).

Now, all the same, this is not an obligation. This is merely an open possibility. And most of all, trust your gut. (Another good option is to send a thoughtful, medium-priced gift, and perhaps a card signed by both you and your boyfriend).

Thanks for the comments Aardvark. Thing is, it's not the wedding; it's just an engagement meal; I don't know when the wedding itself will be. I agree that it's more important than a 21st and I was sort of thinking of being the better person and just turning up to wish her well, but it's completely out of my way; the 4 hour bus journey isn't the worst bit, it's that the buses are very infrequent so I'd have to travel up in the middle of Saturday and come back in the middle of Sunday. I wouldn't be home till the evening and I have lectures all next week till late. Since shops shut early over here, this weekend is pretty much my only chance to get things done around town.

Maybe that sounds selfish, but I really just can't bring myself to go all the way up to my home town for this 'friend' anymore, even for old time's sake. I think I might just be really pissed off if I did, especially whilst sitting in a corner slowly dying of boredom (oh yeah, bout the bf; he's working on the weekends so wouldn;t be able to come).



A gift? It's a good idea, but not sure if it's the done thing round here- maybe for the wedding though (though I'd definitely try to attend that; even I would feel rude turning that down without good reason). I'm just gonna think up a decent excuse and apologise for not making it I think.



True, there's nothing wrong with that. I just feel like I missed the memo somewhere along the line... stupid I know, but I thought we were still good friends up until she completely shunned me on her 21st... I was a bit hurt by that and I can't help feeling like I've wasted enough time as it is. There is a bit of resentment there, much as I try not to let it affect me.

Last edited by Lene on 24 Sep 2010, 6:34 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Thanks Cockney

Ah, screw it, I'll go. Sure I can always leave if it's too boring and I'll hopefully find a good book for the bus...

Engagements can be broken. Marriages are serious. There's a really good chance it won't be fun for you, and if you know it won't, then don't go. If you're not sure, then try to ahve a backup plan to do something else so that when you will probably leave early, the trip won't seem completely wasted.

Go, but bring an iPod or a Nintendo DS in your bag or purse so if they start the NT thing of nattering away and ignoring you in the corner, you could pull out the DS or the iPod and play them loudly. If they complain, just say you felt left out so you got something to keep yourself entertained while they ignored you...OR you could order alot of drinks and get completely hammered. If they don't ignore you, then all is good and you can leave the game or iPod in your bag.

someone said it already i think, i'd say if you can go with your bf, then go.. if they ignore you etc he won't
and you can laugh about your former friends on the way home. ultimately your choice though, obviously.

Guys, thank you all for your advice I gave in and went and.... well, it was actually quite pleasant! We were all sitting around a round table, so it was easy to join in the conversation and it wasn't a loud noisy night club, so I could hear what people were saying... I feel a bit silly actually for being so worried, but thanks for taking my question seriously and giving your input.

Good advice bringing the DS/boyfriend/back-up plans; I kind of had some ready (a convenient headache or something ). I'll keep it in case I'm ever in the situation again.

Oh yeah, and I no longer resent her, which I'm really glad about. Looking back, it would have been kind of stupid to burn down a bridge. I still don't know what happened re: the holiday, but it doesn't really matter; it could have just been a brain fart or spur of the moment thing.

cool, glad it went ok.. i sometimes find when you worry about something and consider not going etc but then do decide to go and take part it's often surprisingly good.
good for you.

I'm glad it worked out for you.

And that random element, that is something I have really struggled with and pondered, and for the time being, I have basically decided: human beings are just too complex to be entirely predictable, myself fully included!

Now, I think there are (at least) two styles, the ad hoc and focus on the here and now, which in general NTs tend to be better at, and the long term planned-in-advanced which we Aspies tend to be better at. Both are valuable, and like so many things, we can become conversant in someone else's language.