Blowing it in Conversation with Someone You Care About

Post Reply New Topic

I went to a party last weekend for my harmonica group. That was OK, except the guy I have a crush on heard me obsessing about dancing with someone else for the umpteenth time, and then I was in a conversation with him and I got totally confused. I was trying to talk to him about his martial arts practice, but I kept monologuing back to my Zen stuff and how it relates--but that's not where his interest is with it. Urgh!

I read books on reflective listening, but just can't do it. I have reason to believe he'll give me a second chance, and he shows characteristics of having Aspergers (workaholic, totally focused on music, very bright, doesn't socialize a lot......but can't be sure), also he's patient. So I went home and reread some quotes he had from his favorite book on Zen and the Martial Arts, so I can at least have a handle on what HE connects to about Zen. And I read some of my book on reflective listening. And then the next day I was determined to listen at our band practice and someone asked me something emotionally charged (but nice), and I spoke instead of reflecting and listening.

I don't know how to coax myself into building a habit of reflective listening, even though I understand the concepts. Any ideas?

Please don't monologue WonderWoman!

Thank you for reminding me. I do have a habit of beating myself up.

Just to add to what I did well: In addition to my attempts at home afterwards, I did learn more about his martial arts. I saw him do a few small moves, which I'd never seen before; I now know it's tae kwan do, a Korean martial art that specializes in leg kicks. He showed me the room where he practices and the mats he can remove and keep in the closet. He giggled when I tried a few dance moves on the practice room floor. They don't emphasize the Zen part of martial arts in their school but they ask them to read one book on it and he calls the Zen I was describing "in the flow," which is very accurate and I think he mentioned that the more advanced students are aware of this. He has seen "The Last Samarai" twice and liked it. He has a punching bag kind of thing which is a figure of an angry man and he punches it sometimes. He suggested I go ahead and try punching it. (I did, but gingerly. Not my thing.) I thought I noticed a look of surprise on his face as my responses to him darted around and a look of concern when he saw my bag in his hallway. I didn't respond to these looks immediately, but I have to give myself credit for noticing them. I was not oblivious.

Actually, come to think of it, that's a lot of to learn at a party with lots of people and sensory overload going on. Although I didn't let him know how much I heard, I heard a lot, and can build on it another time.

Thanks for your encouragement. Funny, but he has said similar things to me before: Be patient, practice, don't beat yourself up.