Not knowing how to comfort someone..

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My housemate just found out last night that her boyfriend of 3 years has been cheating on her the entire time. She's understandably in tears. She came to my room last night and told me what had happened, and she was crying, and I didn't know what to do. I know from watching TV that the right thing to do is to give that person a hug, but I just don't know how to do it. And I know that sometimes getting a hug is the most comforting thing for a person. I could see what I was supposed to do, but I didn't know how to do it.. how to pull it off... or even what to say. Sometimes I feel like such a jerk.

Well, the next time you see her with a sad face, which I'm sure is the next time you see her in general, I would walk up and tell her that you are sorry. If she is your roommate, do something nice for her, such as doing her dishes. If you are her friend then I would get a little cute card that just shows your sympathy.

i agree, as for the hug thing, idk

That's a good idea. We're not friends, just acquaintances, and actually we had a little bit of an argument last week because someone in the house has been stealing food and she was unjustly accusing me because my room is right next to the kitchen and I have a bit of insomnia. So things were a bit awkward there. She hasn't come out of her room though so I will wait I guess..

I know the feeling. What I've learned to do when I don't "feel" sympathetic is to emulate the behavior. You're right in giving her a hug. From that point ask if she would like to talk about it and offer generally positive replies like "you can get through this", "you will be okay," "that's awful what he did." I have found in these situations frequently less is more. You don't need to talk much because there is no answer or input you can provide that will make the situation fix itself. Notice my replies aren't necessarily emotional and are more objective matter of fact that both of you can understand. The best any of us can do is to offer to be available should they choose to talk, that is a powerful gesture. I think it is even for non-NT's (or whatever that abbreviation is) though I personally don't understand the complete emotional concept, you have to admit that talking does help. Take in regard this forum. If offers bennefit to our questions and problems by asking others in similar situations, even receiving support that you are not the only one in this can be helpful in itself.

I learn my stuff from tv, movies, I've taken a communication class.. studied interpersonal communication and from observing others. Books and the internet are a great resource, even youtube has some direct instructional videos on comforting others. Then I copy what they do and it works fairly well.

What i would suggest from here is to spend a while studying the situation, then tell your housemate you were not feeling well when she came to you and apologize - I find even if not needed an apology is an accepted gesture. From there offer to talk if she would like and you are better prepared from there. It is building a friendship, so be sure it's something you want. If you don't want friendship, your research will at least offer you understanding for her and future encounters.

Wow. I didn't mean to write a term paper... to me it sounds so "unlike" me, and it still comes naturally.

Be Well

You just hold on, maybe rub a little and don't pat.

... What?

Read the first post, read my post and then tell me you don't get it.

Ah, just seamed a bit odd at first glance.

Seemed, but yes I answered the majority of what seemed to be the issue in the first post. I'm not the most comforting person on earth, I used to be but I've gotten tired of my old ways so any further advice from me would probably be bad. I do know how to hug, I learned those guidelines from "Challenge Day" which I will say is a wonderful program and I wish programs like that continued to be apart of my (and other peoples) life.

Oops, I always pat with people i'm not too familiar with

Then what afterwards though? I can't imagine how you'd make eye contact. Maybe I'm making it more complicated than it is. I don't have this problem with my family and when I date someone. Also she is so much shorter than me, it would be kind of complicated and awkward, seriously like hugging a child.

The pat thing has gone around for a long time. Plenty of people are raised with grandparents and other relatives doing it but some people interpret it as HURRY HURRY HURRY GET THIS OVER WITH, like jumping up in down in a line or something.

I guess usually after the hug you are supposed to look into their eyes and tell them a few additional words of reassurance. I am 6 feet tall so I know your pain, I almost have to get down on my knees to give a good "friendly" hug to the average girl. It would be easier if you were sitting down at a bench or something otherwise now is a good time to start exercising your lower body. As for the implications of childhood, for some reason the majority of women feel "safe" in the embrace of a larger body (usually male from what I can tell but I can't speak from a female's perspective).

I guess you could just make supportive comments if hugs aren't natural for you. I'm the same way. If she's just an acquaintance, I don't think you owe her a hug. A sympathetic remark and maybe a cup of tea would be comforting to her. You could do something nice for her, like maybe one of her chores, like maybe it's her turn to take out the trash so you do it for her. You know, sort of lighten her load a bit while she's dealing with a heavy heart.

Ya i've been there, comforting people is really hard, and the inability to do so makes you feel like crap.

My theory is three levels of trying to do the hug/physical comfort thing

a hand just above the elbow
an arm around the back
then a hug

The idea is that one works into the next (1 slides into 2, then roll to 3), each time closing distance and involving more contact. Also gives the person time to back off if you misunderstood the level appropriate.

not that I am nearly qualified to give advice of the topic.

Things that cheer me up:-

chocolate, cake, nice cup of tea, alcohol ...

and the chance to talk about what happened, without being judged for being stupid or laughed at.

Been there many a time.

Best thing - listen sympathetically, saying not much unless specifically asked, doing less - might not WANT to be touched.