Help by Non-NTs for Non-NTs: is it possible?

Post Reply New Topic

This site and other similar sites have loads of hints, tips, methods, workarounds, coping strategies, etc. for NTs to understand and tolerate their non-NT loved ones and for NTs to help their Non-NT loved ones cope with in the NT world. Is it fair to put all the pressure on NTs while we cry in our tea? There must be something that we can do to help ourselves fit into the strange NT world that we don’t understand and to help our loved ones understand our way of thinking and put up with our differences.

I am new to recognising that I am AS. Now that I understand that I am really different and that it is me that is not “normal”, I so need some hints, tips etc. to help my NT loved ones understand and tolerate me and my odd ways or, dare I say, help me pretend, on occasion, that I am NT. Do you think that there is place on this site for a thread for some self help from non-NTs for non-NTs? I’m not sure if this is the right thread for this post.

To get the ball rolling, I could do with some advice on how to deal with the following: I really am blind to non verbal communication and it should not be surprising that I do not know how to use it. (My wife still doesn't understand this though.) Often, I manage to upset people, when my meaning is misunderstood, not because of the words that I use but the way that I said them. Likewise, I can be very upset by some people, because what they actually said was not what they really meant. Does anybody here have the same issue? Have you found a way of sorting this through without the upset?

Actually that's what I do here in the "Dear Aspie" column. If you would permit me, I could use your question as a topic for "Dear Aspie", as I think your topic is quite relevant to most of us.

I think you're reading selectively. There's loads of advice for 'non NTs' to help themselves, given by myself and others.

Usually, the onus will be upon us to cope, to change, to fit, because we are the minority. Whether it's nice or right or not is usually a moot question. It's just not possible to educate and train every NT in the world about our ways.

You can learn non verbal communication, it is possible. Get yourself a little book, or read some websites. Or you can use verbal communication as a work around. Ask lots of questions. If people aren't communicating in a way that you can understand, help them to help you by letting them know, because otherwise they assume you are as equipped as anyone else to understand that elusive non verbal langauge. I find that if I ask politely with an attitude of wanting to create understanding, then no one ever minds making that little bit extra effort.

If you do upset people it's usually no big deal, as long as you remember to apologise.

A resounding, "Of course," especially if the adviser is older.

and/or if the adviser is just trying. A ping-ponging back and forth real conversation.

Yes, I believe some Non-NTs who have been highly versed in the realms of NT social interaction and NT psychology (by heavy social practice and/or observation, study) are able to help other Non-NTs who aren't as knowledgeable. Remember that Autism is a spectrum, and even within AS itself, there are varying levels of talents and impairments.

I think Wrongplanet is a much safer place to chat about social issues etc, as people can openly and honestly give their opinions on what works for them. The Non-NT reader can then apply those opinions/theories into real life, like an experiment, and see if it works for them. In fact, that's what I do in regards to certain threads about bullying.

Thanks everybody for the positive replies.

Of course you can use the topic for Dear Aspie. Thanks for pointing me to the articles. These are just the ticket for me. I am relatively new and have not explored the Articles section of the site well. It may be beneficial, certainly in my case, if Dear Aspie had its own forum or special articles section to help us novices find it more easily. There is good stuff in there.


Sorry if I am being selective. I have only recently discovered that I am AS and I am still exploring what it means and trying to get my head around it.

While you may be giving great advice on this site, it may become lost. People may not be able to see the wood for the trees. This is my point. Do we need a special forum specifically for advice, so that we can find it easily?


Thanks for the advice but, unfortunately in my case, I do not think this would help. I am totally blind to non verbal communication and I mean totally blind. I could read the book and understand the theory but I could not put it into practice (a bit like telling a blind person to describe the colour green). As an example, even when people make overtly obvious gestures to communicate with me, I just don’t see it. When this is pointed out to me, I feel stupid, because it ought to be blindingly obvious. I’ve no chance in general conversation. In terms of using non verbal communication myself, it is not conscious communication that I have a problem with. I can already make an approximation (don’t always get it right though). My difficulty is that I can give off the wrong messages inadvertently. I don’t know that I am doing it. I am told that my eyes glaze over or my face goes blank, passing the message to others that I have lost interest in what they are saying; which is not the case. I don’t really understand myself why this happens. It tends to happen when I have to think about something, often the topic being discussed at the time. (OK! I admit that I can zone out sometimes, if I really am bored.) I just don’t seem able to think and control non verbal communication at the same time and it is impossible for me to not think.

It would be really good to know if anybody else here has this problem and how they deal with it. Is it impossible?

Bassman, you seem to have ignored the second part of my advice about using verbal communication to compensate.

Sorry! I have not ignored your comment about using verbal communication to compensate. I am lucky in that I can get my point across most of the time. I am at a loss how to compensate where I am unaware of the wrong messages that I am giving out. What would I be compensating for? If I knew that, I could just stop giving the wrong message.

You must be aware that wrong messages are being given out at some time, as you can recognise that people get upset and you must know it's something you're doing, or not doing. Are there no patterns that you can recognise and use to create coping methods? Why don't you explain that you have communication problems, and that you don't intend any harm? Couple that with part two;

Once you realise that people don't generally say what they mean I find it's very useful to use questioning to get a clear idea of what they do mean. That can often prevent upsets later on. Instead of thinking of the communication as one way, make it a two way process, the goal being to create the same or similar understanding in the minds of both parties.

It's a proactive, preventative strategy.

I have been trying to find the new 'dear aspie' column and couldn't see it anywhere.
I still can't find it - can dofp or anyone else point me in the right direction please.

(edit)

I meant to say that I was looking in articles and could see all the old dear aspie articles by groovey druid, but not any new ones.
And I still can't - could it be something to do with my old browser or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

In my experience people get very cross with me asking what their expression means, even people who know me very well, I would say this is the most cross making thing I do.

And when I tell people that I have aspergers so might be inadvertantly rude it then sets off an argument with them over whether I have AS or not.

I found the most helpful thing was watching video jug as it shows the body language visually rather than writen and is exagerated so easier to spot. http://www.videojug.com/