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DGuru
Toucan
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02 Nov 2010, 3:51 am

Huge dilemma.

Aspie.

Extremely strong desire for social interaction, almost 24-7. I feel so lonely I compulsively sit around in the common area of my place waiting just in case someone shows up who I know, so I can start talking to them and hopefully get to hang out. It almost feels like I have a social debt I'm trying to pay myself back, but the debt keeps growing. I even do get to socialize, but it never feels like enough.

I can't change either of these parts of myself. Aspie is my cognitive wiring, and extroversion, the desire for lots of human companionship is a fixed personality trait. I envy my opposite, introverted neurotypicals who can easily get human interaction but only feel like they need it a little. They never have to worry about this stuff. But I can change neither part of myself. Personally I wouldn't feel right changing either either.

Can't tell anyone I have AS they'll think I want to be left alone all the time or that I'm violent or that I'm stupid. I don't see why people can't wrap their heads around the idea that someone might lack social skills but have an extremely high need for socializing.

At the same time I fear being taken advantage of. I could easily ignore negative signs telling myself I'm just being "paranoid" just so I can socialize more. What should I do?



Ash13
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02 Nov 2010, 4:34 am

i don't know, i have that same dilemma :p i know what you mean when you can't tell anyone you have AS. Most people are ignorant and treat you like crap AKA when i told my ex about my diagnosis of AS he thought i had torettes and tantrums or something of that nature....sigh..... and his mother talked him out of being with me because she didn't want that in her family. 'That' being me, because I would just produce ret*d babies apparently. Anyway, i second your question.



BTDT
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02 Nov 2010, 5:07 am

Maybe you could join clubs in which there isn't a high degree of socialization--maybe the chess club or the scrabble club, for instance? The idea is to gain confidence and experience in settings where social faux aren't likely to be a big deal.



Gruntre
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02 Nov 2010, 5:14 am

To quote just about everyone on Facebook, it's complicated. I'm actually the same, in fact I started a Facebook group called Aspie extroverts, last count there was 5 of us, you make 6. Welcome.
Um yar it took me a long long time to work out what was going on. I'd crave to go out, socialise, relate in a really odd way (lots of silly voices and echolalia, overcommunication, unfocused etc), then I'd get exhausted,overloaded and then hide for a few days. I grew up in a v religious environment (I'll refer a lot to god, ignore it, it's just habit) so from day one I had a solid group of people around me who I saw all the time. Same school for 12 years. So no real emotional trauma as far as early age stuff goes, and people basically put up with me. They had to (and I was oblivious to people who didn't like me cos christians tend not to be openly hostile or confrontational). I'm nice to look at (apparently) and v mentally alert so I never had issues getting a girlfriend- NT women have a knack for making their intentions known :-)
I was v convinced I was bipolar. Lithium did nothing. Issues like overstimulation, noises (dogs! dog barking, shatters my nerves), mind & face blindness, lack of eye contact, hypersensitivity to conflict (this is absolute hell for a relationship) and obsessiveness with music & computers (and then later plants) seemed just part of the 'out there' thing, man. Then my sisters started having Aspergers kids, I did a bit of research, saw Temple Grandin's lecture on TED and it suddenly it all opened up.
It's god's little joke- giving you the craving for people but none of the skills to achieve it. In fact I'm convinced that god is a twisted comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.
If you dig a hole and cover it with leaves in the hope of catching friends you probably won't fare very well (they'll will make some cool noises tho). You need to be part of something like a group; a mutual interest of some sort. Being a creative spatial chap I joined the theatre- it's quiet, everyone is doing their own thing (lots of creative folk, yay) and heaps of ladies. I was a lighting designer, which are as rare as hens teeth, and it meant that people actively sought me out to work on their productions. But it wasn't like being in a one on one pub lots of eye contact scenario: you can absorb the fun and go about your business in relative solitude and still be part of the team; when i felt the need to chat it was about the production so it was like their was a script or dialogue to follow. Oh and the more obsessive the better, creative people who show lots of attention to detail generally go further...
The cool thing with Aspergers is that you have the attention to detail brain & fixation focus that is rare and highly sought after- it is the quiet ones who are generally the backbone of a lot of church, sports or political groups (any group actually); they want to be involved but don't want to be up front in the spotlight (so to speak). So I'm of the opinion that there are lot of extrovert aspies out there, it's just that they blend well enough often enough to not be troubled greatly by their 'oddness'.
Yes it'll take time; but it'll get easier as you get older given you make some smart choices about who & how you hang out with.
Hope this helps! Good luck :-)



BTDT
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02 Nov 2010, 7:30 am

Yes, if you volunteer to do stuff for a club, such as being a newsletter editor or the guy who gets the refreshments for the meeting, you will pick up lots of popularity points even if you do seem to be a little different. Of course, it is even better when you can share the detailed knowledge of your special interest--but only do it in moderation--they want sound bites, not the full story.