MARRIAGE SUCKS

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My name is daniel. I have something to say. Any aspies ever plan on marriage? If you are youd better hear what i have to say. Marriage sucks. It sucks big time. It is the worst institution ever. It is outdated. It is discriminatory. It creates tension. It sucks. It sucks big time. I know first hand. Ive been caught in the middle of marriage. Mommy and daddy never get along. They dont agree on anything. They fight. They dont keep their mouths shut. They cant even get along with me. Mommy says one thing. Daddy says another. Nobody knows what to do. Daddy always gets his way though. Hes stupid. Mommy never shuts him up. You let the man run the house? A man with no care in the world?

Aspies thinking about marriage? You think about marrying? If normal people dont get along then god forbid. I wonder if aspie to aspie marriage is good. Aspie to normal marriage? I cant even conceive of that. Dont marry. Thats my words. Dont you ever marry ever in your life. EVER!

Dannie, sweetheart, I have been reading your messages, and I'm so glad you are here. I am sorry that life with your parents has been rough. Rest assured, there are many of us here, married,single,engaged and or parents who are more than happy to support and listen to what you have to say. We can be like a second family to you if you'd like. Know this though....we have our spats.....boy do we have our spats. But at the end of the day, I think we all really do care about each other, and you will be no exception to that. Take care young man......and FYI I've been married 22 years, and my husband and I refuse to allow our children to be in the middle of any of our spats. God Bless, and WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

aspiedannie, I'm sorry that your parents are having a hard time with marriage and that you are stuck feeling like you're in the middle. I'm a mother with Aspergers, my partner is NT, we have two boys, my oldest is autistic, my youngest is non-autistic. Their father and I aren't married and we have unfortunately had many of the problems that you have described in your posts being 'exclusive' to being married. Unfortunately that is not true... relationships come with their challenges and you don't need to be married to encounter them unfortunately. Marriage is a committment that two people make to work together and unfortunately there will be a difference in opinions between parents on parenting issues, financial issues and all. It's not an easy thing to handle the stress of being a parent, being a partner in a relationship and being an individual. This isn't limited to marriage, living together, being a parent or being Aspie vs. non-autistic/NT. Being an adult is stressful due to the sheer amount of responsibilities we face in taking care of ourselves as well as our children. It isn't easy as a child to deal with parents disagreeing just like it isn't easy for parents when they disagree with each other. Most times both are trying to do what's best for the family even though the other person might not feel the same way. A relationship needs compromises and it's not right to take out fights and all on the children. It's never right but unfortunately stress can make a person not think straight either when they do those things. You're going to find unfortunately even in simple friendships that there will be struggles in life to deal with. To tell others that marriage is outdated, and all, is not right either unfortunately as for some people it does work, others it doesn't. A relationship all too often fails when the people involved forget they are there to work together for a common interest and not just their individual interests. I was in the midst of many fights and also in the midst of many divorce threats between my parents, I had rough times dealing with them myself. But no matter what they do as far as fighting, you're not to blame and you have to remember that. They likely love you more than anything but often times stress gets misplaced and at times it's not a matter of easily coping with it... sometimes adults blow up under stress and say and do things we don't mean.

And some couples go to the other extreme and never raise their voice and it is silent in the house with people pretending that problems don't exist. So, I think there can be a certain amount of healthy vocalization - even if it is loud sometimes. (Not saying that it is in your situation). There need to be boundaries though.

Marriage can be pure hell. I know that one.

I'm told it can be pretty good, though. Never seen one of those, but I keep hearing it. The rumors have to come from somewhere.

This is daniel writing again. I got some words for space raven guy.

I say mommy and daddy. You insinuate that means im seven years. Are you really asperger?

Aspergers think literal. You dont. If you think literal. You would read what I wrote. You would take it as fact. You wouldnt make generalizations.

Start acting like aspergers.

Daniel, I was raised by parents who fought all of the time also, I mean knock-down drag-out fights. It's really hard on the kids when they're put in these situations. But after I got older, and married, and had a child of my own, it's nothing like what I was forced to grow up with. For one thing, you learn from the mistakes you see others make, and you know that you never want your child to live through that hell as you did. So don't judge all married people by your experience with your parents, not all parents behave that way.

If I ever get married there will be agreements, that if arguments happen to hug instead.

Life is to short for the fighting..

Marriage is great thing.It is a bond between two persons to form a new family.Without marriage,there would be no new life!In a marriage,new children come to existence who have their own unconditional value and apart from that also bring happiness to their parents' life.What would we do without marriage?But it's true,there can be arguing and quarrels in marriage.The two spouses can fight with each other,and this can be very tiring.
One must not give up to live together.Everybody must give some things up for the other one.There can not be only fun in marriage.Its value is proven by that the spouses also stay together in hard times.
There is really nothing that could replace marriage.It will never be outdated.

I'm sorry your parents marriage isn't doing well, however that has nothing to do with another couples chances of a happy union. Don't let one bad experience cloud your view of it, some people aren't a good match, and that is thier own issue.

Hi Daniel,

I am not an aspie, but my husband is...( that is why I am here....for support with my NT/AS marriage relationship. It was VERY clear to me by your writing that you are not "seven years old" as some other person put it. I hear you just as clearly as if I were an aspie, so don't listen to non-supportive comments. People here care and are here to support not put down. That is how it should be anyway.

I am sorry you are in the middle of a dificult situation with your parents. It is not fun to listen to fighting (or put yourself into the idea of ever being in that type of marriage)

I know conflict in a relationship is often even more stressful for someone with aspergers because when my husband and I first married he had a terrible time with even very mild disagreements. He could not handle the conflict or stress of it. I learned the best approach to handle conflicts with him and it has to be without threatening gestures or lous tones of voice because this is VERY frightening for him. It took me 4 years of marriage and work to figure this out. We didnt know he was an aspie when we married. In fact we have only known for a short time.

You can find a good relationship/marriage with the right person. You just need to have a person who understands your AS and how to best handle conflicts. Someone gentle and considerate who is capable of quiet, calm conversation and conflict resolution. You find these things out about how a person handles conflict when you are dating them. Watch how they handle stresses in their life. Can they behave rationally or do they fly off the handle. A marriage with a person with a bad, fast temper would be disastrousa for the emotional well being of an aspie.

Hang in there and know that there is hope. Not all marriages are filled with what you are experiencing. It must be hard when you love both parents and yet you have to watch them fight. It must be difficult to see your dad behaving the way he does because his behavior makes you so upset.

Is there is a way for you to leave and go for a walk when the arguing starts or a safer place you can go until it stops? (by safer I mean a quiet place where you are comfortable and do not feel threatened.

When I feel terrible I often go for a walk and it helps me cope with my stress.

Take care my frend. Please let us know how you are doing. Sorry for all the typos..I know how to spell , I just am in a hurry because I have an appointment this evening, but I wanted to respond to your post.

Kat

Marriage is a terrible institution, I agree. It's outdated, discriminatory, and is quite unfortunately the only way to have your relationship taken seriously for legal purposes in this society. That's pretty much the only reason my (NT) husband and I bothered to get a marriage certificate, and we *still* get garbage over our relationship (when applying for apartments, joint memberships on things, work benefits, etc.) because we don't have the same last name.

However, problems in relationships are not exclusive to marriages, and not all marriages are bad. My husband's parents are some of the happiest people I've ever known, and they've been married for twenty five years. Mine, on the other hand, have one of the worst screaming-and-fighting, not-communicating, traumatizing-their-kids marriages I have ever seen. I, too, spent my childhood caught in the middle of my parents animosity, often with violent results, and I still find myself there from time to time despite living several thousand miles away.

Don't let your parents' lack of relationship capabilities ruin your life. It's not worth it. Just because they can't seem to make a loving relationship work doesn't mean no one can, and just being an aspie doesn't mean you can't, either. Being an aspie in a relationship DEFINITELY requires more communication and diplomacy on the parts of both partners than a typical relationship, but this basically just means if you can make it work at all, it's probably already healthier than the average NT/NT relationship.