Clues as to whether a person is trustworthy?

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Does anybody know any clues I can use to tell if a person is trustworthy? Or any books/articles I can read which help people to tell the difference?

I'm trying to learn to reach out to people but I can never tell who is safe. It causes me extra angst and motivates avoidance. It occurred to me that maybe there are things I can learn to notice, which will lead me to feel sure about a person.

I would really appreciate any information.

https://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/alistai ... nding.html

Look up traits of Sociopathy.
Also trust your instinct, if someone makes you feel creeped out, start making distance.
Sometimes it's a long process to find out peoples true nature/intentions.
I've known what to look out for, but, not recognised warnings early, and not created distance early enough.
I hope that helps.

Some people are bad, but they are not neccessarily evil.
They can be denying you information that you need, they might think they are helping you by restricting hurtful information. Or taking advantage of information, but not thinking what they are doing is unethical - because "everyone does it" or "they have always done it" and have a weak set of ethics (eg gossiping).

It is extremely difficult. This comes downs to intent versus action which is not possible to ever absolutely determine. Perhaps, one day, if we develop mind-reading technology we can solve this once and for all .

The best way I've found to sort trustworthy people from opportunistic folks is to spend time with both them and someone that you already trust very firmly who is neurotypical. Beforehand, tell the trusted friend that you want their opinion on whether this person is trustworthy or not. You can then rely on this chain of trust, but you really have to know that you can trust your existing friend. Also, it's best to have several encounters rather than just one because sometimes people have off-days.

The only clues I've found useful alone are the very, very obvious ones. For example, if they lie about you to others when you're in their presence you probably shouldn't trust them. Or if they treat you worse in group situations compared to when they're alone with you.

My philosophy is to assume the best of everyone, but be extremely wary of any bad behaviour. Unfortunately there will never be an easy way to determine trustworthiness in a consciousness or else there'd be an app for it .

I agree with Chortler on looking at how people treat you in group situations versus when you are alone with them. I have dealt with a lot of people who would only interact with me when no one else is around. Nobody wants to be seen interacting with the weird girl. I am also weary of people who try to get too close too fast. Getting involved with those types of people always bit me in the butt every time. If a person is gossiping about other people, they are most likely gossiping about you to other people as well.

Ladyelaine, that about sounds right. People that only interact with you when no one is around are douchebags. I told a few like that where to go.

I'm no expert as I still make mistakes about people, but there are a few things that stand out to me.

--- If you are talking to Person 1 and Person 2, then Person 2 leaves and Person1 starts gossiping negatively about Person 2, you know that he or she will probably do the same about you behind your back.

If that situation arises but Person 1 says nothing about the person that just left, or maybe just says "I really like Person 2, he's great" or some other positive comment, then you can probably trust they are well intentioned at least in not gossiping or wanting to badmouth someone they've just been friendly to.

-- If someone tells you about how they deceived another person, or they're in the habit of white lies just to get out of something instead of being straightforward, they are probably going to do that stuff to you too. I have a friend who chats on the phone with me every so often. We might talk for about forty minutes. I'm fine with someone saying "so hey anyway I gotta go but we'll talk again soon." I don't need excuses or reasons why they are ending the call -- all conversations have to end, lol!

But this friend always winds up making really odd sounding excuses or saying he thinks he heard a family member calling him. . .Don't ask me how I know, but I just know no such thing is happening, or that his story is made up; it's just stuff that I know in my bones he's making up because he thinks he has to give a reason. I don't like this type of thing; I don't need it.

On a separate occasion he told me about how he avoided someone with the same kind of bizarre, made-up excuses and stories. His whole modus operandi is about using lies and excuses instead of being honest with people, even about the least offensive, most understandable things.

To sum up, if someone admits to you a list of convenient lies and squirmy things he's said and done to other people to get rid of them, mislead them or avoid them, that person probably will engage those techniques with you too and already has.

-- If someone new in your life seems too keen to get to know you and get into your life. Most real friendships go more casually than that in their beginnings, even when you hit it off really well together.

-- Similar to people who won't interact with you unless nobody else is around, also don't trust someone who acts different when alone with you to when others are around. If they are nice when alone with you but start mocking you, making you the butt of jokes or being colder to you if others are there in a group, this is a douchebag.

I've encountered the gossip and trash talker friend. At first I thought she was being helpful in that I was struggling with a couple of ultra NTs. From what I gather she hasn't trash talked me to them.....that doesn't rule out other people.

An article claimed that a man married two women at the same time for several years.

Neither woman ever suspected anything until the dry cleaning got mixed up.

One of the women was a clinical psychologist

So, if someone with more skill than me, for a long time, did not know better then what makes me think I know better?

Answer:. I do not know better

Generally speaking the clues are there if you pay attention.

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what "clues" are you looking for?

I agree, it can happen that someone can be deceived for years about huge stuff. Even someone smart, knowledgeable, savvy like the woman in the above case.

When someone is inclined to be a liar, double-life liver, deceiver, etc, they are often very, very good at it and can pull off enormous deceits to even their nearest and dearest.

I unfortunately fell victim to a person like that and it ruined my life. I had known this person since 1973! !! !!

So thought I knew who and what I was dealing with, warts and all. Turned out there were even bigger, deeper warts than I could ever have suspected.

You can be horribly scammed even when you think you know exactly who you are dealing with. I don't think I can ever really trust anyone again.

Short guy, the clues are mentioned on this thread.

Of course a psychopath can fool people. However they aren't that common. Your average dirt bag isn't highly skilled enough to fool people very long.

Clues and general advice:

Try to learn their history--it sounds like a cliche, but past behavior can tell you a lot about future behavior. If someone has done some really immature, irresponsible, or unethical things in their recent past (and if they're an adult), don't expect them to suddenly snap out of it. Like ladyelaine said, if someone is close with a real gossip-monger--the truly hurtful, judgmental, socially manipulative kind--it's likely that they are too. Nasty habits and behavior can be contagious.

I think it takes time; get to know someone slowly. Don't expose your more personal information right away, don't make yourself vulnerable, until you feel more comfortable. Don't let infatuation mislead you. Conversely, know that a bad first impression may also be misleading, at least sometimes.

Not everyone is a real back-stabber, but everyone does have their moments, like little white lies they may tell you because they don't want to hurt your feelings, or to be polite. (I know that can hurt anyway, but the intentions behind that sort of thing are often rooted in compassion...an important trait in a friend, obviously!) They may even say something that is/seems unkind about another friend behind their backs, but it may be because they want to express some frustration or confusion, or try to understand why someone does what they do--not because they are terrible people who can't be trusted to stand by you or them when it really matters.

You can find some truly good, reliable friends during your lifetime, but don't expect anyone to be perfectly loyal or dependable 24/7/365. No one's flawless, and even a good friend can change or let you down from time to time, either by accident or because other complications can get in the way, but (forgive me--Hallmark moment coming) that's part of what makes the best friends so great.

(Upon review, I realize that I've just reiterated a lot of things that others have already posted, but maybe that's a sign that there's some good stuff here. My apologies; I didn't intend to plagiarize.)

Right but if a person is a regular gossip you need to steer clear.

As for loyalty, I expect it in close relationships. Do we make mistakes? Yes. Look at the pattern of the person. If they chronically are unreliable, walk away.