How to tell someone you don't want to be friends

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musicboxforever
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15 Nov 2010, 8:58 am

I have an acquaintance who knows a few people I know. However, he has taken to emailling me alot. Even if I don't reply he still emails me. How do I get him to stop without hurting his feelings?



LostAlien
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15 Nov 2010, 10:36 am

Can you elaborate as to the issue?

Are there too many? Is it inappropriate? Are his emails hurtful?

The way to know how to deal with this may lie with why you want the emails to stop.



lelia
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15 Nov 2010, 10:55 am

It seems like ignoring emails should be fairly easy. I must be missing something. Is he stalking you by knocking on your door at all hours and buying you stuff and interfering with your life?



musicboxforever
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15 Nov 2010, 11:15 am

Okay, I didn't know him very well and added him on Facebook. Last time I'm going to do that. My fault.

He's doing things like reading my list of bands I like and then emailing me to ask what my favourite song is. But it's not a one line email, it's a whole page telling me about stuff about him I don't wanna know. Plus he's a guy and I don't want him thinking that if I keep replying that he's in with a chance. I'm not interested.

Also if I just ignore him, he'll just keep emailling me. I told him I'm too overwhelmed and can he please stop emailling all the time.

I think that the reason I am annoyed is because he reminds me so much of myself when I was younger. If I liked someone I would constantly email them or text them. He reminds me of my inadequacies. He used to comment on every single post on my wall and I had to tell him to stop doing that. I'm tired of having to tell him what is crossing the line and what is normal behaviour. I have to do this with my parents all the time. I don't want another person in my life that I have to explain everything to. I'm feeling very emotional and depressed at the moment and it's just too much for me to handle at the moment. I feel guilty. I don't like being unkind.



LostAlien
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15 Nov 2010, 11:24 am

It would seem that there is no way to let him know without hurting him.

I realise that you don't want to hurt him but what about you? He's causing you stress and strain, he constantly steps over the boundary and probably has a crush on you. Nipping this in the bud may be less hurtful to him in the long run.

You are being unkind to yourself, please give yourself at least as much regard as you're giving this guy if not more.



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15 Nov 2010, 6:14 pm

How would you feel if he just sent you a Christmas card every year? or b'day card once a year?



Reptillian
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15 Nov 2010, 6:46 pm

musicboxforever wrote:
I have an acquaintance who knows a few people I know. However, he has taken to emailling me alot. Even if I don't reply he still emails me. How do I get him to stop without hurting his feelings?


Simply show that you don't care at all. Works for me for those who are trying to be nice to me attempting to be friend with me. Put him on the block list if it bothers too much, but talk to him first if you can handle it.



musicboxforever
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16 Nov 2010, 5:56 am

I feel like it is childish to just ignore someone. The problem is that he is a very polite young man. He has similar problems to me when I was younger, he has been diagnosed with AS and I only have mild traits and major social problems. I am an idiot. I jump in feet first and try and be supportive to people who remind me of myself when I was younger because I know how alone I felt. But I didn't consider how stupid it would be to try and be supportive to someone of the opposite sex who is feeling a bit lonely. Things can get mixed up. I think he thinks I like him more than I do. I feel really bad and stupid because I was arrogant. Who am i to jump in a sort peoples problems out?

I know some of his friends, so I'm trying to console myself that because they are nice people they will be supportive of him. I hope he talks to them about this. It's going to make me look really bad, but I suppose that's my own fault. doh!



LostAlien
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16 Nov 2010, 7:15 am

musicboxforever wrote:
I feel like it is childish to just ignore someone. The problem is that he is a very polite young man. He has similar problems to me when I was younger, he has been diagnosed with AS and I only have mild traits and major social problems. I am an idiot. I jump in feet first and try and be supportive to people who remind me of myself when I was younger because I know how alone I felt. But I didn't consider how stupid it would be to try and be supportive to someone of the opposite sex who is feeling a bit lonely. Things can get mixed up. I think he thinks I like him more than I do. I feel really bad and stupid because I was arrogant. Who am i to jump in a sort peoples problems out?

I know some of his friends, so I'm trying to console myself that because they are nice people they will be supportive of him. I hope he talks to them about this. It's going to make me look really bad, but I suppose that's my own fault. doh!

Hey, don't berate yourself for trying to be kind to someone. The world needs more kindness but in being kind, remember you deserve to be kind to yourself too. He kept on breaching your boundaries and it upset you and you don't need to be upset.



Laz
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16 Nov 2010, 11:44 am

Raise your right hand and form a fist with your knuckles pointing toward said individual

Then proceed to raise your middle finger into a fully erect position towards said non-friend individual



passionatebach
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17 Nov 2010, 12:28 am

As a person that has had experiences with this on both sides of the fence, I find it very terse to just rebuff someone and blow them off.

In many cases all the party that you have little or nothing to do with wants is a little ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. I can understand severing ties if the relationship is dangerous or extremely inappropriate. You also need to set perimeters with that person and talk to them regarding what is acceptable and unacceptable in the friendship. Lastly, if you can, feel free to steer the person that you find a bother toward people and groups that he might find acceptance with (such as a group that indulges his special interest or a church as an example.

I don't mean to write a diatribe, but I have gotten tired of people over the years of doing this to me. Even though he recently added me as a friend on Facebook, I have been fighting this with my best friend from middle school for 15 years now. I wrote him a couple of months ago regarding all of the things that have happened in my life and all of my achievements. Even though I have come to understand that the dynamic is not there anymore for a friendship, how hard is it for someone to send a message that says "I am proud of all that you have accomplished"? What makes it more upsetting is the fact that he has been a FB numerous times since I sent him the message. Here I thought, I was the one that had social difficulties, I have run into a number of people that are considered the "cream of the crop", "a pillar of the community", or just plain popular that do not exhibit social skills and manners.