"Fake" friends?

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Right. I'm going to start at the beginning and stop when I reach the end.
Warning! may contain fluff.

I started at a new school summer 2009 to do the IB programe, just while I was in the middle of doing the tests for Aspergers, which I was diagnosed with last October. It's probably because of my Aspergers that I've never really had a proper friend during my life, apart from my cat and my cousin who's a year younger than me and incidently also has Aspergers. The last year and a half at this school, in this class, I thought I had actually made some proper friends, 6 of them, who I hang out with all the time at school. Last year one of them moved to a different class, but we still keep in contact, which left the 5 others - 1 Chinese, 1 Kurd, 1 African, 1 Finn and 1 Swede. The only one of them that has been over to my house more than once is the Swede, who has been round maybe, 3 or 4 times in the time I've known her, which is pretty good going for a record like mine.

Anyway, the last few weeks I feel like everyone is being strange, everyone's changed. I've expressed this totwo or three of them once or twice, but have never figured out why it's changed suddenly, but then earlier today I had a bit of a spat with 3 of them, which is why I wanted to get it off my chest. First the problems:

The Chinese girl, Shanii, is very nice. she's smart and she's fun to hang around with, but I find her personality hard to deal with sometimes. She's someone who is openly "violent" in a jokey way; She often insults her friends or hits them and stuff, just messing around. I find this hard to deal with because after a while it just seems mean. She describes it as "the more I like someone the meaner I am, it's just my personality". The thing I find the hardest is what she says about my boyfriend. We've been together a year in December, and things are going just as well as in the beginning, but lately, since maybe the summer, Shanii keeps saying to me that I should break up with my boyfriend, and she periodically asks "have you broken up with him yet?". It got to the point where he actually asked me if Shanii hated him (as they've met a few times). At first I thought it was funny, and didn't mind so much, but now it feels like the joke has been taken too far, and I find it quite hurtful that a friend of mine would say that to me, and I know that it's stupid to think like that because I'm pretty sure if I was to take it up with her she's be sad that I take it seriously, but I just can't shake it. I haven't taken it up for her for just that reason, by the way. I don't want to have to deal witht he confrontation that I know I need to face.

The rest of them, bar the Finnish girl who is generally not really involved in much conflict, I have problems with in that, Luwam (the African) and Halat (the Kurd) are really close friends, and were before coming to this school too, which I cannot deny them, but I find that sometimes I feel excluded because they're taking about something I have no clue about and then don't want to/can't be bothered to explain what they're on about. Either this or they just dissappear together. Becca, the Swede, is often with Luwam, and so she generally gets draged along too. All of these three live in the same village, so they're together a lot in their free time, while I'm left alone in the middle of nowhere doing nothing (which most of the time I don't mind to be honest) but I feel really upset when I go into school and they're all talking about a Sushi night thay they and Shanii have had, where I haven't been invited, or how they all went to town together and they hadn't told me. This was more last year than this year, but it still hurts.

One thing I have huge problems with is eating. I cannot eat on my own in the school canteen because I feel self concious (that people are looking at me) because I'm on my own, or because I'm eating more than others etc etc, which till now has not been a problem because we all wait for eachother, or at least someone does. This has changed these last few weeks. They've been going to the lunch hall without me a few times. Recently I saw Halat and Becca together in the lunch hall after I went with someone else, so I went and sat with them. I asked them why they'd gone without me, and Halat said "we just forgot" which hurt quite bad. How can you just forget ´to wait for a so-called-friend that you eat with all the time?
Then, today, I went with them to lunch as usual. We sat at the same table as my other friend who moved classes, and I started to talk to her, as you do. After a bit, when everyone else was finished, they all got up and left, leaving me on my own with someone who had another lesson just then. After we left, I looked for them for about 15 minutes, before giving up and going my own way. When I went to maths, after the break, they came in after me, and so I asked them to sit next to me instead of on the row in front, but Luwam just looked at me and sat there anyway, so I said "Why can't you just sit next to me? I sit at the back for you guys all the time (I hate sitting at the back, I can never see the board) and you guys just left me today" to which Halat got annoyed and claimed she'äs asked if everyone was ready to go, and that the fact I didn't get up meant I obviously wasn't coming. The thing is, I wasn't even facing her when she must have said that. I didn't hear her either, so how can she assume I'd heard and had decided to stay? I then told her this, to which she replied "You can't keep being like this accusing us of leaving you all the timE2 (she sounded quite angry).
I know it was stupid, and I know I shouldn't have done it, but in the heat of the moment I said "Well you must be really thick to assume that someone's heard you say something when they're not even paying attention. REALLY thick." and then left.

It makes me really angry because whenever there's a test or something, both Luwam and Halat want me to give them answers, especially if they're doing it after everyone else because of bing ill or that, and I always do. I always do everything I can to be nice to them, I sit where I don't want to, I help them with lessons, I help them with English AND maths, I let them use my phone to text eachother when one of them doesn't have money, I lend them money for coffee if I have it and they don't, and, and this goes for all of them, I've helped them by, when in groups with them, doing the majority of the work but putting their names on it too.
For example, we did a Lab report, and once I was finished, I sent every single one of them the graph so they didn't have todo it, I sent Halat, Becca and Luwam my actual report so they knew what to write, and then said we worked together when the teacher did them for copying my work.
We had a history essay to do a while back that Luwam hadn't started with the day we had to hand them in, which I then actually wrote for her BEFORE finishing my own, so that hers would be in on time.

Am I being completely blind? Is it actually me that's doing something wrong or am I right when I think that they seem to be just using me and to be really superficial when it comes to our "friendship"?

I know this is a "tl;dr" post, but It's really bugging me.

Hey--

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. One thing that happens with me, and I think it's because of my autism, is I get very, very attached to people. I don't like most people and don't want to let them in. When I do let someone in, I want a tight circle. I would be able to handle the sort of situation you're in if I had a best friend in the group or a friend who was sort of hostile to the group to check in with, and help me draw boundaries. If I don't have someone whose primary social connection is to me, I get lost in situations like that. That's not really helpful advice, except that I think you should maybe consider looking for friends outside this group rather than retreating it from it. If you had someone you could count on being able to eat with every day, you might be able to handle the more casual nature of this kind of group.

I don't really think you or our friends are in the wrong-- I think one just have a need for a more intense friendship than they do. You are probably right that geography has a lot to do with it. Really, the only thing to do when they're going on about something they did together without you is talk about something you did with another friend. I wonder if there is somone near to you you could make friends with.

You have some pretty good social skills to be able to keep up with this group. That means you might be able to make friends with someone whose social skills are worse. Why do you want to do that? They will need you as much as you need them. If you give someone who would otherwise have a fifty-fifty shot at eating alone a chance to eat with someone every day, they are pretty likely to take it.

I think with Shanii you are also dealing with some aspects of Chinese culture. Chinese people can be much more physical and much more critical with their friends than most Americans are, and most people with Aspergers are comfortable with. It really is an aspect of Chinese culture that people are much ruder to people they care about than to strangers. I would try to use some humor, but let her know when things she does bother you. Let her know that you can't help being the way you are anymore than she can help being the way she is, that you are willing to compromise because you like her, and that you need her to try to do the same if she wants to hang out with you. Make fun of her when she attacks your boyfriend. Turn the attention back on her: it's probably what she wants anyway, permission to talk about her own boyfriend, or lack of one.

Stop doing things for your friends that they wouldn't do for you. Try not to demand things from them that they would not ask of you. That's part of setting appropriate boundaries, which is something you need to work on.

Take care and best of luck---

I was supprised that you've done their homework for them. Have they done this for you?

About your bf, have you asked her why she keeps on at you to dump him? It could help you explain to her that who you date is your choice.

At least with Shanii, you should ask her why she wants you to dump your bf, preferably while you two are alone. Don't interrgate her, though, just ask her calmly. If she denies it, you have a very good reason to get angry with her. If not, accept the reason, even if it can be hard and praise her for telling you.

as for the group in general, it seems that they have made it into a sort of clique. Cliques usually have complex, unwritten rules that you may have had problems understanding, thus through time, they have pushed you more or less away while still trying to exploit you (getting you to make their homework etc.), thus relegating you to a kind of "workhorse" for them.
i'd say Luwam and Halat seem to be the main problem here, and a very hard one at that. They seem to me to be the main exploiters of your skills.

In a way it's your own fault for being too nice. People generally exploit that nice boy/girl who does averything to help. As mentioned, Luwam and Halat have picked up on this trait, while the others don't dare say anything because they don't want to be excluded from the group.

So tl:dr version:

Talk to Shanii (it seems to me that she's the best friend in the group) and try to cement your friendship (you'll need a good friend to help you)

Then focus on Luwam and Halat.

----

It may be more complex than what you have written , but a good start would be not to be as helpful to them next time. For example, don't give them any homework that's done, but things like preliminary text, a list of sources etc. It's also best for them to do some work on their own. Help them, but don't give all the answers.

It may be hard at first and it is more a gamble than a guaranteed solution. But if you succeed itøll take a lot of stress off your heart...

Thanks for ll the comments guys.

I think with the homework thing it's hard for me because often they don't actually understand it, so it's often easier for me to just do it myself than try to help them, as English is not their first language but we're doing an English course. I don't believe they're doing it maliciously, just that they can't be bothered.

I'm going to talk to Shanii tomorrow and see what happens.

Not all things are easy, but i'd say just pointing them in the right direction is the best for all...

You mean Fake "Friends".

They all need a good beating.