Being judged by appearances

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This seems to happen a lot, a lot more then I thought would ever happen. It seems that a lot of people in my school despise me/hate me/are scared of me because of my appearance. Now, I have done nothing to these people, and some of them I have never exchanged words with. I do not dress like a goth, or a punk or emo or anything that your average teenager will toss a label on. I wear my black jacket in the winter and some blue or black jeans, with your average shoes. In the summer or spring, I loosen up and wear brighter, casual clothing. I get called a "creep", or a "weirdo" all the time. People give me weird looks in the hallway, and all I am doing is just walking down the hallway. I have not met most of these people, and I have never communicated with them in any way shape or form. This has been occurring for quite some time now, and frankly I don't really care anymore. Most of the time they leave me alone, just giving the occasional odd glance, then sometimes proceed to whisper behind my back. Others just grin and whisper to their friends. These are mostly girls by the way (I am a boy). If they do actually say something to me, then I either ignore them or tell them to f off (which happens rarely). I do admit I can be a bit crazy at times, and my friends have no problem with this. Today I was in a bit of a bad mood and a little crazy around my friends, but nothing serious by any means.

Anyways, point is that I do not see why people judge me by my appearance alone. I am very tall (6"5) and my hair is neat and combed, and my clothing is fine. People who get to know me usually have no problems with me. A few people claim that I stare, but I do not do this. There was this one girl who got mad at me and spread rumors about me because I apparently stared at her on the bus. This was not the case, I was staring out the window at the scenery beside her, which made it seem that I was looking at her. I don't know why people find this so troubling, it has never bothered me. But of course I'm an aspie.

I don't care anymore of course, but I find it both confusing and odd how people judge completely based on looks. Is this just a high school thing? It would be nice to not be judged by appearance after I graduate (which is this year =) ). I believe myself to be a nice guy and I have done nothing to wrong anyone.

PS: If needed, I can post a picture of myself.

From what you wrote, it doesn't look as if your looks are the problem; it may be more to do with how you act around other (i.e the staring).

Just a thought though, if you always wear you black jacket don't forget to wash it occasionally (I have a friend who doesn't seem to realise this).

I don't think the problem is how you look, it is how you are looking, or rather, staring. We aspies have trouble having the correct facial expression and looking at the right place at the right time. Our bad timing in stepping and looking and joining conversation etc. bothers neurotypical people on a subconscious level, and thus we creep them out, even if they can't say why.

Maybe it's your body language. I have an opportunity to watch my 12 year old AS son next to other kids when I pick him up from middle school. The other kids move easily and freely and there's an easy interchange of conversation between the kids. My son walks very stiffly with a pained expression on his face. I'm sure I looked quite the same at his age. Someone said to me once, " You always look like something bad is going to happen". The point is, it might not be your clothes at all but just the way you move.

I don't think I move around stiffly, I do move around quite freely to my belief. In fact my friends believe I move quite fast. I stare at objects sometimes, but never really people. Sometimes I glance at a person, that is all that usually happens though.

Thanks for the advice by the way

I would guess your height seems intimidating. In my own time many years ago, guys would have been jealous of your height and the girls would have chimed in on behalf of them even while possibly wishing some of them were actually as tall as you. So, they do what they do because of who *they* are, and not because you are you.

leejosepho is probably right. I was interpreting through my own experience, as usual.

I think even that is circumstantially part of the deal since the *others* feel awkward around someone who moves a little differently just because he is tall. Then, he can see over the top of everyone ... and the others' notice of that leads to their being uneasy about *feeling* stared at even when they are not ... and that is because they cannot see his eyes even if they try!

I wish I knew an easy solution for you, Nova, but I do not. Maybe trying picking one or two of 'em up to eye level for some friendly conversation once in a while?!

Nah.

Thank you for the responses guys .

I had a feeling it was about my height/facial expressions. Now that I think of it, I used to grin randomly back near the beginning of school and last grade. This didn't happen too often, but it was caused by either my thoughts or by something funny that I heard on the spot. I am far better at controlling this currently and this doesn't happen often anymore. As for my height, this could be considered a factor as well, I am very tall and skinny and I am capable of viewing the entire hallway and everyone in it very easily.

Try teaming up with the shortest guy or gal you can find there and get the rest of 'em distracted away from you for a while, then change your and "shorty's" routine often enough to keep them all guessing about what either of you might be up to (no pun intended)!

Yeah, I had this problem in high school as well. (Well, Im 6'3.5"). Its a given people hate being "looked Down" upon, and if your tall you pretty much have to stoop down to their level just for them to feel adaquate. I dont really care, as I find the fact that I am intimidating useful.

I wish I could say this is just a school thing. Unfortunately, it doesn't end at graduation. If you do look different, be prepared to get such treatment for the rest of your life. Trust me, I know it firsthand.

However, I can tell you that that sort of treatment is much, much worse in the school years than it is in later life. It gets better. Not all the way better, but better. Promise.

Appearance is the biggest way people express who they are. I encourage you to be yourself, even if people treat you different for it. It's worth it.

Yeah, I look normal other than being freakishly tall, and thin with extremely broad shoulders

I can't speak for them, because I don't know them (and wouldn't want to) but from the outside looking in, it's probably a combination of things. First, you admit you're tall, and I'll be the first to say it's idiotic to judge somebody based on that alone, but I think something about your height may intimidate some people. Also, you said you break out in smiles sometimes, or at least used to. People might look at this and wonder what's on your mind- again, it's no reason to dislike anyone, but people will judge others for the stupidest s**t, and it may seem odd if your emotion is out of place. Also, there's the reputation factor; once a crowd has pigeon holed you as weird, they keep it going amongst themselves, even long past when they should have chilled out and backed off. I hope this helps in its own little way. Hang in there Nova- it's pointless trying to change your image this late in the game, especially when you haven't really done anything to deserve it.

Oddly enough, it may the speed that is a factor. I used to pride myself on getting from A to B as efficiently as possible. This included speeding up whenever possible, and weaving between people. I was quite nimble on my feet, in fact.

I was most put out when my good friend, who through her own problems in life has had to learn about presenting a dominant don't-mess-with-me front, told me that I move like prey. What I'd thought was efficient nimbleness, seemed to look like scuttling to some.

Anyhow, I once chanced across a programme called "America's Next Top Model", where they were actually discussing with a group of girls the trouble with their walk, and how to put it right. I've never looked at my walk in a mirror(no opportunity), but tried to note what was being said about walking confidently and smoothly.

Unfortunately, I think I took it a mite too far (the aspie thing of extremes, I suppose). I tried the walk when out with my friend across a large open space in a centre called the Barbican, as it was exposed and I didn't want to present as vulnerable, and she was cracking up, following behind me in her wheelchair, as she could see all the men were looking up from their laptops at me. Evil woman that she is, she was threatening to make a nice profit selling my phone number. So I suppose I'm going to have to tone it down a touch. BUT I'd obviously stopped scuttling!

So anyhow, one very long rambly post later, I'd suggest checking yourself for scuttling type movements, and to try walking more confidently and smoothly. With your height, it ought to show off your legs to advantage!

As a teacher, I came to understand that my height and build (6'4", 255lbs at the time) was intimidating to my students. So I learned to better model a smile/laugh when I was speaking as that was part of the feedback given to me. But it made a difference throughout middle and high schools, and often led to confusing conflicts.


M.