Job socialization

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I am having trouble adjusting in my new work enviornment.

People will say hi and we exchange the usual niceties but I want to get past that. Obviously, it takes time to become close to someone, but my social ineptness makes it worse. It is not an attitude issue, because I do try to do my best.

I work with about a dozen people (maybe less). In group settings, everyone else seems to do well in conversation, but I don't say anything because either I don't know what to say or it seems like an inappropriate time (in the middle of people's sentences and the second one person pauses, another person starts).

I am learning a lot of my job from my supervisor (he's in charge of everyone). I feel that my conversations with him are awkward because sometimes he will look at me after he teaches me something and I have a blank stare or I just nod my head to acknowledge I understand but no other emotion. It seems as though he's also seeking a verbal response after he teaches me something and all I can think of is "yes" or "yep, yep" or "indeed" etc.

I like this person because from talking to him, I have noticed that we think alike. Plus, he reminds me of someone else that I know. I'd really like to become friends but I don't know how this is possible when all of our conversations are awkward.

The other thing is he is seeing if I am ready for a role in a management position so oral communication skills will be one thing that he looks at.

As for the other people, its the same way. Beyond the niceties, I don't know what to do when I get in these situations.

Please help. Note: Saying that you can relate but without providing advise doesn't help.

So far, my best 'make a friend' strategy for co-workers has been helping them move somewhere. Free help is almost never turned down, and lugging a person's earthly possessions does make for a bonding experience. Sooner or later, someone there will either need help moving or for some other activity they're involved with, like a charity/volunteer activity, setting up a work related event, organizing an outing to a sports event, etc... Buying someone's raffle tickets or daughter's girl scout cookies never hurts, but putting your spare time to an interest of theirs will go a long way.

Sacrip's advice sounds good. Today someone asked for help on something and I helped her. She seemed to relate to me more....I have the same problem as you.

One basic, though, is getting some good books on conversation. What I have learned (and it's taking me years to incorporate this into my social life) that it's not about what you say that's expressive of yourself, but about how you show you're listening. People rarely get heard, so they love the experience. One thing you can do instead of the "yup" or "indeed" is to reflect back what your boss is saying, to paraphrase it, as if to say, "Is this what you meant?" or "This is what I heard" for example, if tells you how to do something, you could summarize it "Oh, so you do this and that and that gets this done......" The other important thing you'll get from a good conversation book is to ask open-ended questions...that's for when you're on a break or at lunch with a co-worker. Open-ended questions are questions that require the answer to say more than yes or no or a one-word answer. For example, "How has your day been going?" or "How did you get interested in this job, profession?" Usually How questions rather than what questions. Just look up conversation at Amazon and you'll find a bunch of books to choose from, plus there's also a good book on management and aspergers. I think it's listed somewhere on this site.

Good luck. Keep us informed on how your attempts go. My progress is extremely slow, so I suspect yours may be too. Be patient with yourself.

Last edited by WonderWoman on 15 Oct 2010, 11:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can only nod vehemently at the advice given above by sacrip and especially when WonderWoman recommended to "paraphrase", i.e. repeat the explanations in your "own" words.
This shows that you processed them and also are able to present the same information in various ways - vital for a managerial role, when it will be your task to make information accessible to a variety of people with different ways of approach.

I would also ask myself the following question:
What type of company are you working for?
corporative, formal, suit and tie, high value put upon recognizing the hierarchical structure
or more "google-ish", team based, creative and more flexible in structure?

You were mentioning a supervisor, so i venture a guess towards the first.
You were also mentioning that you were being assessed, whether you possess the social skills to later on fulfill a managerial role.
Here your Aspie traits might work in favour for you without you even noticing, well they did for me anyway.

I did have the same difficulties as you with joining into a conversation, and in the beginning i was absolutely tongue tied when i had to face the big boss about some questions only he could answer, but funnily enough the combination of the actual work i submitted and the reports of my supervisor - and now comes the crucial Aspie point - the fact that i was not "buddy-buddy" with everybody (little did he know that i tried hard at first and just couldn't, ) made the boss single me out and pointed out to me in person in a little face-to-face, that he appreciated the fact that i treated work with a high degree of understanding and conscientiousness and my colleagues with a degree of distance and therefore I was to instruct a group of 14 new employees ( you what??? ).

If I were you I would not lose out of sight the post you applied for or aiming for.
It is impossible to be a manager and please everybody, one day you will have to criticise the work of a co-worker and he/she will not be pleased.
Simply put - work is work and play is play.
You do not have to be overly nice and sweet to be appreciated, just fair, reliable, trustworthy and approachable( i take intelligent as a given in your case, ). These qualities make a future manager that people would want to turn to if they had a problem as an employee, and the senior management can be sure you see things in perspective and think for yourself and not just as part of the "pack" (don't forget about the peer pressure in offices).

Pheeew - another one of my rambles,

Even though I didn't mention it before, I do practice some of the techniques mentioned earlier (with the exception of helping someone move, since opportunities like that don't come up often, but I do offer to help in other ways).

As for my work enviornment, it is a mixture of formal and fun.

We have things to do and as long as we get it finished before our deadline, we can (and usually do) talk amongst ourselves.

We usually have a TV going and sometimes we'll comment on interesting stories we see on the news or talk shows. Sometimes we (and by we, I mean they) will comment about things going on at work.

I just don't know how to get social conversations started. I know it will get better as time goes on (usually, when I go into a new situation like this people eventuall y get used to my personality and everything works out in the end, but I hate the awkward feelings in th mean time).

The other issue is dealing with my supervisor, I know that we think alike, but we don't connect in the way I'd like to.

Please keep the suggestions coming.

First, are you saying "Hi how are you" when you walk in the office or when you're all on a 10 minute break? Because if everyone's busy and has somewhere to do, only saying "Hi, good morning" etc is expected.

If you have more of a chance to talk, wait until you've gotten through some hellos and niceties and then make a comment or ask a related question. When you find something you guys both enthusiastically talk about, make more comments, replying with them in mind, asking questions (but not too many, you don't want to interview them), or when the conversation gets really involved, maybe share a quick story.

If you REALLY get into conversation momentum, and the person is NOT just answering you to be polite (her answers aren't terse one liners and she has the same or higher level of enthusiasm), maybe you can casually and nonchalantly suggest an invitation.

(For example, if you're talking about cars you've remodeled, and she's asking you all about how to restore engines, casually say, "Maybe I could show you sometime." Or if you're talking about the new cafe the opened up across the street, say something like "Let's try that place for lunch sometime.")

"Sometime" is a good word to use. It prevents you from sounding like you want to box her in RIGHT then and there, and prevents you from seeming too forward, pushy or desperate.

Oh, and never forget or get too lazy to greet these people you're interested when you arrive each day. DON'T go out your way and walk into their office just to say "hello good morning", but the first time you naturally encounter, look at her, smile (or look pleasant if you're not the smiley type), and THEN say "Hey good morning."



The key here is to understand the kind of language that people use when they're wrapping up what they have to say. Common indicators are: "Well anyway, I just think...", "That said", "So, yeah. Blah blah", "We'll see how it goes", "Anyway, that's just my input/idea/opinion". etc etc. It's tricky and you'll need to be careful to avoid accidentally interrupting them.

Another thing people do when they're about to wrap up their sentences is they look a little more calm and resigned. People tend to be more animated when they're in the meat of their statement. When they're about done, they tend to sit back and start to relax again. It's very hard to explain. How do NTs do it? LOTS of practice. You know how we love our groups. ;-P

And listen to their vocal tone as well. Usually, during "wrap up" sentences, people speak in a lower, quieter, downspeak. Their voice just seems to drift "down" a bit, so to speak. Whereas if they're in the middle of their point, they'll still be speaking in projected, clear, ringing, animated voice.

But you can't be shy about seizing your opportunity when you're sure the person's done! And don't start off in a hesitant timid voice, or someone will talk over you. And stand/sit up straighter and suddenly look a little more involved, and also looking at the current finishing speaker while you're doing it. Oh, and slightly opening your mouth quickly helps too, but be careful how you do it. You don't want to look like a fish.



This might not be as hard as you think. Just get other alternatives in your mind. Such as:

"Okay, I think understand now."
"Alright, perfect. I'll get on it right away."
"Thanks, that helped clarify things for me."
"Ah, now I see how that works/how to do that."

Brainstorm all your fluffed up versions of "yep" and indicate that you're going to get started or try that right away, and then walk out of his office and do it.

I like this person because from talking to him, I have noticed that we think alike. Plus, he reminds me of someone else that I know. I'd really like to become friends but I don't know how this is possible when all of our conversations are awkward.

Thanks, Chainsawswinger, that was very informative for all of us. I bookmarked your site so I can easily go back to it when I have time to examine it more. I wonder if it has info on how to find a group or how to start one. I think the book will help, but it only gives you practice in reading and understanding, not in doing.

It's also got a step-by-step action plan for actually DOING it, because like you said, you've got to know how to actually PRACTICE the social skills if you want to actually make progress. I have 2 real-life friends with Aspergers who really DID benefit from it. They think NTs are crazy sometimes, but now they're much more able to adapt when it's necessary. (or when they just -want- to.)

But anyway, feel free to PM me if you've got any more questions. I don't want the OP's thread to get derailed and off-topic.

I get along well with Asians (nonamerican), Ethiopians, Indians and pakistanis very well. I find it easy to get along with people from other countries. I think it's the fish out of water feeling..

Please keep the suggestions flowing.

Update to the situation: Most of the people with whom I work now know who I am and we do have some conversations but they are not necessarily conversations that help our relationship grow.

We talk to each other about where we are from (most people aren't originally from this city), where they've worked before, etc. We complement each other on doing a good job.

But it seems as though people don't want to have "friend conversations." I understand that part of it comes with time, but we just aren't connecting the way I'd like to. Part of it is because when people are trying to be friendly, they will say something then I will say something and they will respond and it seems like the conversation is over but they stare at me expecting something (I'm not sure what) and I don't give it to them. Eventually they look away, but not after looking at me and making us both feel awkward because of my lack of response.

HELP. PLEASE COMMENT WITH SUGGESTIONS. NOT "OH, I CAN RELATE" THAT ISN'T HELPFUL.

I may be wrong, but from my personal experience people do not want to be friends with people from work. They want to keep their conversations professional and keep their personal lives to themselves. It seems to me, and others please chime in if you think differently, but I think you are expecting too much from work conversations. I think that learning to say enough to "grease the social wheels" (like, on Monday, "Did you have a nice weekend?") But I think it is best to seek friendships outside of work, by finding a club or group that does something you like, even if it's work related, like some computer stuff. You may run into similar problems, but at least you will be starting on the right foot by being with people who want to make friends. People at work, it seems to me, want to get their job done as quickly and as efficiently as possible at work and then leave and forget. I don't think they want to make friends there, just be friendly, smile, and be pleasant, but not make personal connections.

My suggestion, find a group or class or some kind of meeting that centers around a personal interest, and then if you have the same issues, check back with us here on the right planet . In the meantime, keep work interchanges on work with a one or two sentence pleasantry once or twice a day or after the weekend.

Others? Do you have a different opinion?

Well I have noticed that other people that I work with do have friendships outside of work (going to the local NBA games, eating together, double dates, etc).

Please keep the suggestions coming. Again, ones that are helpful (not "Oh, I know what you mean. I can relate).

Then maybe that's the key to your conversations with people at work when you're not talking about work: in the break room or something, maybe say something like "So, what do you do when you're not.....[whatever it is you do at work]." Then you could maybe find a shared interest.

But, I'm pretty positive that you can't put all your eggs in that basket. You have to develop personal interests outside of work. For example, I do social dancing, play the harmonica, and practice zen. After doing these things together many times, people get used to you and you get used to them and you can talk about the activity that you share, that's much more enjoyable than work, and then I have ended up going out for a meal with them or practicing dancing at their house or band practice at their house.

Last edited by WonderWoman on 30 Oct 2010, 3:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Maybe you could think of some questions to ask him about whatever he just explained. That shows that you are interested in learning more and gives you something to say. You can try to think of questions you could have asked on previous occasions and maybe something similar can apply to future occasions when he explains something new.

I think the best time to have conversations with people at work is during lunch time. When you encounter co-workers who you already know at lunch, you can start the conversation by asking them open-ended questions like "How is everything going? How was you weekend or vacation? How are you feeling?" etc.

To initiate conversations, you can also ask them if they have heard about any interesting current events (if you like to watch the news everyday). If they respond by saying "No....Tell me what happened", then this will be your chance to talk about those events. If they are talking about a topic that you find interesting, then wait for a brief pause in the conversation and ask open-ended questions and make comments about it.

This may require a lot of practice, but you should try working on this.

I've gotten this one a couple of times if you take the elevator during the middle of the day, "How's your day going?" I like that one. It reminds me that my little problems aren't the whole universe, and they're dealing with variations on the same stuff.