Cost of socialising

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This has been weighing on me since finding out I'm an aspie a few days ago.

On the surface, I do pretty well, considering - I've got close NT friends, I go out, socialise and so on. Thing is, I'm starting to reevaluate what it cost me to get here.

Around the age of 18-19, I started getting seriously depressed about my aspieness (although I didn't know what it was at the time). So in order to fix it, I got hypercritical of myself, in particular my social ineptness. Ever since then, I'm constantly replaying past social mistakes in my head, and cringing at the thought of them; often I'll have to somehow flinch or make a face to clear the bad thoughts swirling round my head.

Now that I have the context of Asperger's to help me think about this stuff, I'm realising I've taken it way too seriously. I was so sensitive to social mistakes that I ruled out having any remotely weird friends, and that left me without any friends at all for long periods of my life.

I just can't believe I made myself so uptight and neurotic for the sake of fitting in.

I intensly understand. For the past month that I've known about asperger's syndrome, I've been reliving memories in my head. Its gotten so hard at times that I breakdown and cry, I've called people who are close to me and apologized for things I did years ago. I too never knew what was wrong with me but felt I had to fix it. I can somewhat socialize now, tho I tend to stay indoors. These flashbacks occur whenever they like and can be quite disturbing because I have come to realize that a lot of the things I did where horrible. I didnt know how bad they were and even as I write this, things are coming back that I wish I hadnt happend. It leads to a guilty conscience. Wishing I had known what was wrong with me to if not fix it, contol it. I like who I am, my abilities, but I wish I had never done many things. I realize now that a lot of the problems I had growing up I can be accused of causing. I recieved my fair share of torture for no reason, but how I responded only added fuel to the fire. It is hard but with the right people supporting me I know sooner or later I will come to grips with my past and proceed to my future. I wish you well on your journey and if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

I had the same sorts of experiences when I was first diagnosed - but now I think that knowing allows me to re-evaluate my social goals (which are now very limited) - when I got to thinking about it I realized that I wanted to be married, for example, not becuase I really cared about getting married, but because everyone around me said I should get married . . . when I realized that I didn't really care that goal (which was making me quite depressed) was eliminated . . .

I used to get these flashbacks for a long time before I knew why, and would further embarrass myself by a spontaneous outburst of "Mother, help me!" No idea why.

Now they're coming and I think "Oh, yes, another Aspie moment." So far I haven't found *anything* that isn't explained by that except when I acted from motives I knew were bad at the time.

Pat (still subject to envy, hatred, malice, and all uncharitableness - not to mention the urge to be clever even at another's expense, now firmly under control. Except in the case of politicians.)