A teacher arranged me a friend about a year ago - help?

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When I was in Year 8 I told my Social Skills teacher that I didn't have any friends. I am pretty certain that it was her who arranged for someone to start being my friend. When I was in the library he wanted to shake my hand and said "Friends?" I rejected it at first but when he did it another time I accepted - but not necessarily honestly.

He spoke to me sometimes but I didn't feel comfortable with somebody who is a complete stranger to me being friends with me. I am his friend (I think) but he's not mine.

He still speaks to me now in Year 9 but I don't feel very comfortable on contact with him. He sat next to me by the computer in the library but not once did I feel very comfortable. I felt quite comforted as one of my real friends (who has AS) was sitting next to me on the other side.

He sometimes asks me "Are we friends?" Well:

If I reply "Yes", then that is not true and it isn't factual but it makes someone feel happy.
If I reply "No", then I will feel pleased by being able to honestly express myself, but it may not make this person feel happy.

I want to speak my mind but I can't think of baser way of saying "I don't want to be your friend" and that might upset him.
I want to think of a better way of replying "No", as I have two AS friends who are true friends so I am not any more worried about lonliness.

It sounds to me like the Social Skills teacher (Did you mean "Social Studies", which is what we have on this - left - side of the pond) or the kid designated as your "friend" or both had a few social skills deficits of their own. This doesn't mean I don't appreciate the teacher's intentions, though; anyone who reaches out to an Aspie like that deserves a gold star in my book.

In my opinion, saying "Hi, I'm Charlie. Let's be friends..." just doesn't quite work. Instead, he should say something like "Let's go shoot some hoops after school" or "Meet me in the gym for batting practice at 3:00 (or 15:00)" or some other activity that the both of you can take part in, and let the friendship develop on its own from there. And if it doesn't, it doesn't.

Now then, I do feel your pain at not wanting to reject this fella that you apparently have nothing in common with. This might be true if, as an Aspie, you have a feeling of "Who are you to throw friends away?" after being by rejected by too many others for years. I can speak from experience; when I moved to a new town for the start of 8th grade, almost no one talked to me. Years later, one of them confessed that they avoided me because they already had all the friends they needed -- whether that was true or just a smokescreen for the then-unknown Aspie Bug bite, I do not know. But here are some suggestions:

1. Reach out to this guy and suggest a session or two of something you can do together that requires a lot of verbal interaction. Do people your age still play Dungeons and Dragons, or other role-playing games?

2. Invite him along on some activity with your other ("real") friends. Where is it written you can only have two? "The more the merrier" I always say.

If you do this a few times, and there really is no interpersonal chemistry, as you seem to think, he'll get bored and look elsewhere.

Finally, here's one thing I remember learning a long time ago. It seems that in French, there are 3 different words for "Friend" but each is a different degree of friendship. One word might be the guy you share an Algebra book with in class, another word the one you play the occasional Nintendo/Playstation/X-Box game with, and the third one is a super close "Fred-and-Barney", "Laurel-and-Hardy", or "Gilligan-and-the-Skipper" type friendship where you rarely see one without the other. Maybe you can be friends with this guy by the lesser of the three.

Well I DON'T really like him, I don't want to be friends with him. He is not horrible to me in any way but I think this "friendship" is redundant. As far as I know he is NT.

Does he have other friends of his own?

Just curious.

He does, but I don't think he knows that I have AS.

That would creap me out.

An assigned friend? That's always an akward situation. It's best to attempt to piss him off, then you won't have to deal with him anymore.

If he asks me "Friends?" then I'll say No and then I'll feel proud.

If you really dislike his company and spending time with him be honest about your feelings. If you can tell him your feelings in a constructive way he might not feel so bad about it and could learn a bit more about you and himself.

If he is trying to be nice to you he is worthy of some respect even if you dislike him.

How do you know that this fellow is being your friend because the teacher asked him to? Is it just a suspicion or do you have evidence for this? I ask this because if you reject him and he hasn't been 'assigned' to you, he may be very hurt by your comment. Whereas he is likely to not be hurt at all if he has been assigned.

How about before potentially hurting this kid's feelings by being too blunt - go and ask the social skills teacher right out if she arranged for this kid to be your friend. And IF she did then discuss with her how to ease yourself out of this situation without seeming mean to this kid. It is possible too that she might have arranged for another kid who has few friends or social difficulties to meet with you so he might not be NT. Or it could be a "circle of friends" kind of thing where a kid was recruited. I mean you can't really blame the other kid if this was an idea from the teacher. If you guys don't really get along at all and he asks you and you feel like you must respond then why not ask him what he considers to be friends. It doesn't sound like he hangs out with you very much so he might be clueless as to what a friend is supposed to be.