lotusblossom wrote:
CaptainTrips222 wrote:
No. I meant complain about some of my own problems. My parents knew what I was talking about. And yes, I tried to contact them.
friends like sharing problems, every friend Ive had has shared problems.
People have dumped me as a friend when Ive said things in a sharp tone of voice or been too withdrawn and uncommunicative, said things in too superior tone of voice, or said something which made them feel stupid, or said something 'too honest' which hurt their feelings, or been too embarrassing and uncool. Often its a combination of all of those things building up over time till they cant take it anymore.
Well...I think the way it works is that your friend(s) are allowed to complain to you about anything. But if you complain - about anything - they complain that you're complaining. If you confront them with the complaint they just made 20 minutes ago, they brush it off or even deny they complained.
I've lost a friend or three for kinda the same stuff Lotusblossom describes in the quote above. Sometimes I say something with my facial expression without saying it out loud. Mostly it's issues with their behavior. If they behave in a certain manner, they shouldn't be surprised when someone else reacts negatively to it, then complain to me looking for sympathy. Or, they don't see when their patterns are leading to other patterns. Example: a former friend has a nasty habit of discussing extremely personal issues having to do with her teenage stepdaughter. I mean seriously...she shares such personal stuff about the girl that I was amazed she felt comfortable telling just anybody out there how many boys her stepdaughter has had sexual contact with. And she'd do it right in front of her! Often! Couldn't acknowledge for a moment that the stepdaughter's seeking that kind of attention because she feels unloved and unwanted. Oddly, she and her stepdaughter aren't getting along. Her stepdaughter doesn't trust her. Oddly. Her stepdaughter doesn't talk to her much and doesn't share any personal details with her. Oddly.
I never said anything. Because I felt like, my former friend ought to know her behavior was wrong. She a grown-a** woman. And should not be surprised by the stepdaughter's reaction.
But by the look on my face, my former friend could surmise that I did not approve of her behavior. And by the look on my face, she could surmise that I believe the stepdaughter's behavior was based on the intolerance of my former friend, how unloved and unwanted she felt in her home, and the fact that her father sided with my former friend and never supported the stepdaughter's feelings. You can say "I love you" a million times, but if your actions prove different, or you don't back it up, it won't mean much.
Judgmental, is what she called me.
And the swinging with other couples thing. They put no thought into it. At all. Each of them (my former friend and her husband who is also a former friend) operated by animal instinct, i.e., thinking with their crotches. Couldn't understand that if they were going to swing with other couples, they needed to make sure the other couple was already interested in that sort of thing. Like...it would be obvious, wouldn't it, that if a couple on the Internet gets on a social website looking for a woman to join them in a threesome, that they're not interested in another couple? And so...don't try to convince them. Find a couple who's interested.
Well, three times they didn't do that. Three times consecutively met up with couples who initially wanted to meet a woman, not a couple. And three times, some really ugly problems cropped up. Like jealously. Hundreds of dollars at the fuel pump. Ugly e-mail and phone exchanges. Trying to make their kids be friends with the other couple's kids.
It was the look on my face - and the eventual impulse that I could no longer deny, actually shaking my head at her like she was really being stupid - that she finally asked what was up with that. And I told her. She shook it off. Good for her.
I'm glad she's out of my life. Everything this couple did was always out on the street for everybody to have to look at, then they wondered why the small town they grew up didn't seem to like them much. I told her, you can't expect all the old ladies around here to be your best friend and think well of you. Old ladies find your lifestyle inexcusable, gross, immoral, etc. If you want old ladies to love you, don't let people know about lifestyle.
I mean, sheesh. And they think an Aspie has problems figuring things out?
She would make this rude commentary about the teenage son of a friend from high school, "That boy is weird...weird, weird." "What's wrong with that boy?"
Finally I just said the words, "Dude. That 'weird boy' as you so rudely put it, is autistic. Diagnosed autistic. I'm surprised you don't know. Amber doesn't have a problem telling other people her boy is autistic and if they don't shut up or leave him alone, she'll go ballistic. There's nothing 'wrong' with him."
Across the street, her stepdaughter was chatting up a dude twice her age, sticking her chest out, and doing other flirtatious, suggestive things. My friend was saying, "Well, Amber (the boy's mom) must've done it, or her husband."
Oh. My. Gawd.
That's when I let it go: I pointed at the stepdaughter across the street. "What happened to her?"
Now she's offended, like it never occurred to her that you have to RAISE a kid, rather than just feed and clothe her until she's 18.
She spluttered a little.
I guess at that point, our friendship was goin' in da shittah fast, right?
"You know, you've been saying for years that Carl must be beating he and Amber's kids, they're so weird. Because they're quiet, polite kids. Like you can't imagine that parents might teach politeness to their kids. Like you can't imagine that children learn how to "be" from their parents! Carl and Amber aren't talky people, you know that. Neither one of them feels the need fill up blessed, blessed silence with compulsive talking. Your children are obnoxious and loud because you are obnoxious and loud. Carl's never laid a hand on any one of those kids, except to keep Taylor from stimming his way into traffic. Yeah, the kids hang all over Carl like he's a jungle gym, not because they're afraid of him, but because they're not the slightest bit afraid of him."
And you know what? She never really talked with that kid. All she saw was his one stim that wasn't even all that obvious. Not any more obvious than leg-bouncing.
Sometime when she recovered from those statements, she asked me why Amber's two oldest daughters would talk to people, but never to her (we were all friends in high school, and their children are the same ages and in some of the same classes), obviously that means they're "weird". "Friend," I said, "those two don't like you. Personally. You put them on the spot. You embarrass them in front of other people. They have each separately told Amber that they don't like you, fact. They have asked Carl permission to avoid you, fact. Neither one of them want to be friends with Christie (natural daughter) because they think it means they'll have to be around you."
My former friend, it seems like, couldn't add 2 and 2 and come up with 4.
If you don't spay or neuter your pets, the eventual outcome will be an unplanned pregnancy, which, with pets, results in a houseful of kittens or puppies. Duh! The excuses were whack: she said she'd "heard" from a "veterinarian" that animals just don't do well in life unless they've had at least one litter. Even if that were true, wouldn't that mean that one litter would be enough? That maybe...I don't know...6 litters is going too far? And how many pets and puppies and kittens wound up with the Humane Society because, well they're so cute I won't have a problem getting rid of them. Sheesh. That "veterinarian" was on probation and paid enormous fines for selling ketamine to drug addicts. She just had to keep her biggest dog on a short chain in the yard because they couldn't afford proper fencing. But the dog finally went berzerk, bit another dog on the street, terrorized two elderly people, and it took two cops to corral him. The fine, folks...was higher than proper fencing would have been!
I get mouthy like this because it is incredibly frustrating to watch someone add 2 and 2 and NEVER ONCE come up with 4 - in fact, believe that 4 as an answer is weird and wrong. Lost a couple more friends because of it. I thought I was being a friend, not commenting much. I only sided with her when I thought she right. I didn't correct her much. When I lost her to her new friend, I was relieved. I'd never told her that my visits with the psych were to discuss Aspie issues. In hindsight, it was the best decision I'd made regarding our friendship. My life's been easier since she hasn't been around.
To get closer to commenting on the OP's comments, she could complain to me all the time. Oh but if I complained about anything, not only was I "obsessed," but she was "worried about me" for no reason. All I said was that the trash guys didn't put my trash can back in the place I left it. It's a valid complaint. Back in the place I left it, kids didn't feel comfortable screwing with it. In the place the trash guys left it, kids kicked it around and left it halfway in the street (my neighbor told me when I got home). That's all I said. Pretty soon, she's off and running with me being obsessed with the trash guys and what they do. "I'm worried about you," she said. The very next WEEK, the trash guys dented her trash can. She shouted. She screamed. She flung some paperwork across the room. She banged her coffee cup on the table! So I ask, "Should I be worried about you?"
You know...maybe I'm just a jerk too? But at least I keep my opinions to myself until 1, you ask, or 2, you're more of a problem than you're worth.
28 Nov 2010, 5:03 pm
