emotional withdrawal

Post Reply New Topic

My attempts for the last 3 years in making friends hasn't really worked out too well. Namely on my part, because I put all my energy into the beginning part of the friendship, and slowly lose interest in the person. I usually end up not liking their personality, or start to feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I start to emotionally withdraw, without stopping to hang out with the person. I won't confront them because in my experience with people, they have minimized my feelings or become defensive about my issue.
It's really hard for me to bring up something that bothers me to a friend, partner, anybody. It's practically impossible to do it when I know they're going to make me feel stupid about it. So I slowly start to remove myself emotionally. I stop calling them and only respond to them. Become fake with them by pretending to be their friend-- but not giving a crap about them. Until they eventually get tired of my indifference and go away. I'm just wondering if others on WP do this same thing as well. And if so, how do you manage your relationships with people?

Sound like the people you have tried to be friends with would not have worked out any way.

I hear you. In the beginning of every school year I'll get to know a few people that I really like to be around, but over time the stress slowly compounds. And then I don't care because it's near impossible to even think about what I should do or say. Despite feeling connected in the moment, there's always the other side of me that just wants to ignore everything and be alone.

The only true friends I have are those I've had since childhood- we grew up having LAN parties in the basement and got to know each other through this interest. We don't really care about each others personal lives, so why do I call them my best friends? Because I can be myself around them and just have fun. To be friends with someone I don't need to know their deepest personal secrets, I've come to accept that. It's just about finding people that I can connect to in other ways than personality. It's just a matter of finding those people I suppose

I took the same path as you, I learned to distance myself from my friends and not learn their secrets and get too close. This is because ever since I was a kid I was lonely, I had friends but all ive done was act as normal as I could with them and thus I havnt actually connected with many ppl cus ive been 'acting' the whole time. They liked the 'fake' me and when I get comfortable with them and let my guard down/stop acting they think im weird as hell and leave....its left me with low self esteem and convinced that im unlovable. When I get too close to people I start sharing their pains and happiness, essentially my personality starts merging with theirs and it hurts terribley when I cant be around that friend or person all the time...which ends up with me becoming angry at that person, myself or becoming depressed....The best solution for me is to not let anyone close, just do activities that we enjoy and talk, joke, party with a business relationship, but of friendship if that makes anysense. I treat my friendships like a business relationship, professional and not personal. over time though its taken its toll on me- i feel terribley lonely a lot even though I have 'friends', nobody to confide in about stuff like this except people on the internet. sigh. i realize ya'll are people too but its not quite the same

I do the same thing. Once I feel like I judge their charachter and find something wrong, feel taken advantage of or simply find them too conforming and normal a emotional block forms and I 'reject' them emotionally. I'll go out with them if they ask me but once I have rejected them I wont go thru any effort to contact them first or initiate anything. I dont confront them because I hate confrontations and ive learned that its not their fault and its also not my fault, its just incompatibility....but ppl like us seem to be compatible with only a small % of other people.

i can't really bring up any kind of problem with anybody also...this is because they are not aware of my AS as i havnt told many people about it and they assume I am tackling the problem from a NT point of view like them. They always try to help and offer advice from a NT view but that doesnt help me because "oh dude you should take her out to the park for a walk and have a picnic basket hidden away so you 'accidentally' find a picnic for the two of you" is a great idea...but it does nothing to help with my social skills and being smooth or funny. this ticks me off but again i cant blame them cuz its my fault for not telling them, but even if i told them they wouldnt be able to see it from my view. they all start drifting away when i stop calling them, responding to their text messeges or am very curt in greeting and talking to them when we do see each other.

its a defensive mechanism to protect yourself. you push them away before they can hurt you. I have borderline personality disorder and you sound like you have symptoms of it too, though i dont think you meet the criteria, its just mild. i have full on BPD. You are just indifferent towards them whereas I actually dislike them, judge their character if they are not the Perfect Friend (its nearly impossible, much like finding perfect love) and go from loving them the first month to hating them the next and then cutting them out of my life as quick as the flip of a switch.

That's how it happens for me too. I want to feel like I'm part of their life but I end up mostly watching everything I say in order to not say something weird. It's too much work.

thats good that you are trying to correct your thinking- ive been doing it myself but im finding it difficult to do. I've accepted that people are not trying to make my life hard on purpose, but rather the things I do are what creates all of my problems...ive directed the frustration at my inability to improve- AS is always there and it wont go away...thats why im frustrated- i keep effing up all the time. You said you were full on bpd in your early days, what have you been doing differently to improve? i still have bouts of anger, intense loneliness and emptiness that come the slightest thing a friend does 'wrong' and it hurts me everyday

I literally do this word. For. Word.

My closest friend of about 12 years [5 of which we didn't speak to each other save 3 or 4 times because she moved away] has become my biggest thorn. I can't stand her any more. I very seldom initiate a conversation with her, and respond in a very emotionally detached way to her texts. We used to argue a lot because she was so unbelievably unrealistic and I am pragmatic, so her fancifulness disturbed me. Every time we argued, I would try to initiate 'clearing the air' immediately, but she always needed 'a week or two' to think over things. She would then proceed in telling me that all she wanted me to do was listen to her when she had a whim [which, God, made me think, "I'm not a wall. If I think something is impractical, I will tell you...And yes, if it's stupid, and a bad idea, I will let you know. Crime? I think not"], and agree with her about everything. Needless to say, over the years, her immaturity and impracticality and demands have distanced me from her, and I've become distant with the conversations she has with me because I know that what I may say will indefinitely make her angry, so I opt to say nothing at all.

At one point, something so terrible happened between us that I couldn't talk to her about it face to face as I usually prefer, so I wrote a letter to her last year around this time, bearing all of my feelings towards her and fears for her, she proceeded in not talking to me for a whole two months, and it was then that I realized, "I don't need that in my life." She tried to make me feel like I was the bad person in the situation, when I was not. Instead, it made me angry towards her, and now all I feel for her is all of nothing. She texts me, I respond, sometimes. She wants to 'hang out' and I find an excuse to not do so. She clings to me and I don't need or want that. I can't stand her so much, and yet she's a 'sweet' person to most people.

For once, I should have listened to my parents when they told me she was not a good friend for me, but I can't admit it to them, so I've just told my father that we've matured differently and friends come and go.

I can't understand why she doesn't get the notion from me that I don't like her very much.

Oh boy, it has been a rough rollercoaster. I'd always take everything people said seriously, like if someone told me "you're stupid" I would start hating them because I thought they thought I was stupid, or were being mean. Worst was when I'd believe them. Seriously, but now it sounds silly, I know. Then I'd react even more harshly to them which only caused more pain and confusion for everyone, especially myself.
I had to pull away for about 5 years, essentially isolate to protect myself, and started writing, filling up dozens of notebooks. I take things literally AND personally and it's very painful. Months later, I saw in my own notebooks how I overreact to things and people. Everything always passed and going back and reading my thoughts in the notebooks were, like "wow, wtf?" I still write everything down on paper because all that rage needs an outlet and I get a better understanding of myself.
Words are very important. Everything I'd say or other people would say were a big deal to me (walking on eggshells?). I detach myself, emotionally or physically, from the kinds of people that say whatever they want with no consideration for other's feelings. One of my closest friends is like this and there's quite a lot of psychological distance between, but there's more good than bad. Other less close people I only talk to them if I have to. No hard feelings toward them but I don't really take them seriously. Maybe as clowns lol.
I also have to ask a lot of questions, especially to the few people in my life. I'd ask them what they mean, or tell them what's upsetting me to really try and get more perspective. I'll tell them I don't understand or that they're confusing me. To please clarify and make sense to me because I want to understand. Work together to be on the same page. I realized just how much I assumed about others and that people aren't totally bad (black-and-white thinking). If they truly care, they usually want to explain things when I need help understanding something.
It's actually good because I already know there's a good chance there's going to be misunderstandings between myself and others so I try to keep that in mind and stay open. I question my thoughts most especially if the thoughts are causing me painful feelings. Thoughts are so powerful and can create horrible suffering for us with bpd. If things are moving too fast or I feel like I'm losing my grip- I stop, slow down and take it easy. Tell myself "RELAX". The most difficult person there is to have patience with is myself but it's soooo worth it. Healing is a priority.

thanks for your insightful response. I've just realized how important words are in the last two years when I was 18 or so. Before that I kept everything inside, believing that I didnt need anybodys help and that I could cope on my own. I never told any of my friends or my parents about my emotional problems/ AS problems which caused emotional problems (I didnt know it was AS, i just thought I was fking weird and needed things to be a certain way, hence low self esteem) and it bottled up inside me to the point where I broke down and was suicidal. Only then did I take a chance and open up to some of my closer friends and my parents and its been a relief. I figured out who my true friends are when they still accept me and help me through the tough times...whereas my fake ones left and never came back. Nobody knew I had issues because i put on a friendly face everytime i went out, I just acted and tried to minimize my AS so it wont be a factor and went and hid when I got terribly angry or depressed from a mood swing. I conceled it all from everyone sucessfully...but i couldnt hide it from the most important person-myself. Expressing yourself is a basic human need and words are a big part of it.

I'm done trying to act for other people and be a person that I am not....its terribley lonely because when I dropped the act everyone dropped me deeming me 'nuts' or as a sociopath because I went from super sociable, outgoing and forcing myself into social situations to being alone most of my time and enjoying the quiet...but thats the first step to rebuilding my identity so im taking it slow and pushing ahead. You and I seem like the same person, i hope to make the progress you have made in the future.