Being a friend

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Hey, new user here,

It seems that most of us aspies often feel lonely because we rarely succeed at making friends. However, one thing I learned about friendships is that keeping friends involves a certain amount of commitment. In order to keep a friend, one needs to make an effort to stay in touch. This involves participating in activities together, and socializing with friends of friends. It seems that this is how most NT's would refer to as 'being a friend'. What I realized over the years is that these activities that maintain friendships are viewed by NT's as fun, whereas I see them as requirements to keep friendships. To me it's like a transaction. In order to have friends, I have to be a friend to them, which represents a chore to me. Yet, I want to have friends because it makes me feel appreciated and validated. I am feeling bad just writing this. Although I have been diagnosed with Asperger's, I sometimes feel like I'm just a selfish person.

I was wondering if many of you are feeling this way.

Yes! I feel exactly like that!

I feel selfish, lazy and very guilty about it all the time. However I have found that when I REALLY like someone, friend-wise, those "being a friend" type duties don't seem quite so much like duties any more. I guess because I feel more comfortable with the person and so spending time with them is not fraught with anxiety, and is instead something I can look forward to. For me that only happens VERY rarely though, and I still find myself getting it wrong or letting friendships slide a lot of the time.

I'd really like to work out some sort of system to make stuff like this easier for me. Not sure if that would be possible though.

Perhaps, if a friendship feels like hard work, it just means we are not meant to be friends with that person? Or conversely, maybe the harder it is, the more worthwhile it will be eventually? Oh I don't know. I would be interested in hearing others' thoughts!

Thanks for your insight pangolin.

I can see that it seems that at least you have had some friends in your life. In my case, I can say there hasn't been a single person with whom I have had the desire to build a friendship with. I cannot count romantic interests, because those are another type of transaction.

Is it possible to really connect with someone in a way that is more automatic than this 'exchange of validation' I've been doing all my life? Maybe I just see things the way they really are. I hope I'm wrong though. I would like to believe in the possibility of true friendship and true romantic connection.

I don't always see interacting with friends of friends or doing activities with them as requirements unless I'm in a crabby mood. To me, the more friends, the better and if I can be friends with friends of friends, then great(unless I don't like them). However, some activities I have to partake in will seem like requirements. However, some friends don't make an effort to do the same with me.

I also find socialising a chore and judge myself harshly because of this too.

however, there are a few exceptions. I have a few good friends who really understand me and I enjoy socialising with them because I can be myself and I won't be 'misunderstood' or judged.

I think it's hard to socialise with people who are so different from you but if you can find people who have a similar way of thinking or similar interests or issues then friendship can be enjoyable.

I have a hard time with this--- I really DO want to be a good friend, but it's hard. I tend to want to talk to someone when I need to talk, but I don't always want to hear them go on and on about THEIR problems. So basically, i want to be friends on my terms. Which doesn't always make the other person feel good, and then they don't want to talk to me much. I want to be involved with people, but I don't tend to involve MYSELF ( call them, email them...) unless they call me or something. I then go off and do things on my own or with my BF. I tend to have interests that bore alot of people, so it's ok on that note. I think I am a good person, and I DO feel for people, but I think I feel about me a little bit more.
Besides, other people seem to do the same thing, really--- they only want to be friends on THEIR terms, too. They're just much better at it than I am. I'm the person on the phone that gets silent and stuff ( unless I have to vent), so it gets awkward often.