The Odd Man Out

Post Reply New Topic

Has anyone else ever experienced the problem of being the one friend that always gets left out or uninformed? It's probably something I'm doing wrong, although I have no idea what it is I'm doing to make this happen. Usually whenever there is an event planned no one will tell me about it, or if they do they tell me right before they are about to leave and so it's like: "You're not coming? Lame." But there's really nothing I can do.

Recent example: For housing next fall I was planning on living with four of my friends in a townhouse. We'd had this plan from the beginning of the year, we'd researched renters, we'd even found a complex we wanted to live in. Then, a few days ago they told me that they'd decided on another apartment complex but it had a max of four people so I could live in the dorms again with the freshmen (when I'll be a junior).

I assume it is something I'm doing because when one of my friend groups likened themselves to a family (y'know, mother, father, oldest sibling, middle child, youngest kid, crazy aunt, eccentric cousin) I was the pet dog. It makes me feel like a novelty. Like, I exist solely for their amusement when they feel like bringing me along or when they simply can't get rid of me.

Why do people always seem to forget I exist? Even when I'm right there in front of them? Do my behaviors render me invisible or something? Or am I just that unnoticeable that when I'm not in my friend's faces they forget I exist?

Also, have any of you guys ever had this problem? If so, did you ever figure out why? Or how to fix it?

This pretty much sums up my life. I have no advice on what to do. I just know I go through it everyday of my life. I know sometimes, when I talk to my two friends I go quiet for short periods of time because they connect so well. Sometimes I feel like a little nick nack sitting beside them. Or just some desperate lonely person tagging along.
They have so many experiences, they've been to so many places, they've done more than me. And they talk more. I go quiet and just listen to their conversations. Sometimes I wonder if this is my problem. But then again I worry so much.

Do you have their numbers? Ever done the whole...I should text them, but what if they think I'm a weirdo. What do I say? How fast should I reply? How slow should I reply?

Maybe your issue is you're not getting involved enough. Maybe what you need to do is step in more. Make yourself less the dog and make yourself one of the sisters.
Or just ditch fair weather friends all together.

Perhaps you do not establish your presence well enough. I speculate that a person can be perceived to have a weak presence if they do not reach out to others frequently enough, or do not participate enough in group socialization. If you are more the wallflower, go along type who never has much of an opinion, people will have a difficult time establishing a "connection" with you, and thus, will not value your friendship as greatly as they would if they had that connection. At least that is my theory.

I speculate this indeed might be your issues, as they compared you to a family dog.

Though you did make plans to rent a townhouse with them, for many people, intentions diminish with time it seems, and plans must be "renewed" or "updated".

Anyway though, these things aside, I'm of the opinion that they should have informed you of changes to the planned living situation regardless, and I would question applying the label of "friends" to them.

Chronos wrote;

I could tell you stories....

The girl who introduced me once as her puppy.

The friends who threw a surprise birthday party for me, but forgot to invite me.

The numerous times I have been asked, "Hey, how come you weren't here/there?"

I wish I could tell you that you'll get used to it or how to avoid being left out, but I haven't figured it out.

I'm glad to see I'm not alone.

So, apparently I have a revision to make. I'm not the "pet dog" as I said earlier. I am actually considered the "pet puppy" because puppies are cute and cheerful and innocent. I actually like that a lot better. It has less negative connotation then dog does. So...yeah.

See, the thing with getting more involved is that I see these people every day, I spend most of my day with them...I live with them as far as it's concerned as we're all in the same dorm, we take the same classes, we are in the same social circles, we eat together. I don't know how I'd manage to be more socially active unless I didn't sleep, so I don't think that's the problem.

But yeah, Chronos, you're probably right that I don't establish my presence very well. I don't know how many times I've been sitting with a group of people and someone will be like "I totally didn't see you there. I saw the person on the left and right of you, but not you. Weird."

The story of my life.

That's the way that it was, when I was working at the factory for three years, in the 90s. I was always the last one who was told about birthday plans and everything else. There was one time that those girls got some Treatza Pizzas from Dairy Queen, and they wouldn't let me have any of it, because I didn't pay the few dollars. I mean, they didn't have to do that to me, just because I was different from the rest of them and I had stronger morals than they did.

Odd man out. Tag-along. 3rd wheel. I'm all those. May not be how I start but is always how I end up.

Just have a hard time participating in an already active group. When trying to speak up, I get bad feedback saying I'm dominating the conversation. Therefore, I see no choice but to hang back and only speak when I have to. Do what I can to keep on the radar, but eventually become invisible and move on.

My social life is a recurring process of meeting someone new, becoming introduced to thier world, and having fun for as long as possible before my welcome wears out. Literally done this 100 times.