Can't figure it out, and tired of giving up/losing.

Post Reply New Topic

[This thread might belong in The Haven too, but it's all a social-related question I need the answer to]

So I don't know if it's because of Asperger's Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, or another related term, but I have some problems with socializing. I long for social relationships, but whenever I'm around anybody - nearly anybody - I have an uncomfortable feeling. I think it might be physical anxiety, not sure how to describe it, but it's just uncomfortable, tense, and I have a harder time letting my mind just flow. So there's almost like... a language barrier in a metaphorical sense, every time I try to talk to someone.

But I don't believe I've always been like this. This social inhibition has been especially noticeable the past several years, so I didn't take much of my earlier childhood into account when I concluded on Asperger's; But it wasn't the only reason I settled on that, I had other "Aspie" traits here and there such as the "Special Interest", lack of social cues (but I never had a problem with facial cues), and the hyperfocus, etc... but rethinking it all now, there are a few things I don't relate to. And like I said, it doesn't seem like this social problem was always the case - as a matter of fact, I recall as a child prior to the 2nd Grade I recall being very outgoing and extroverted. (My parents also remember I would be the one starting conversations with others.)

Or at least trying to be outgoing and extroverted, and of course bullying had to come into the picture and **** up everything... and so I'm pretty sure that (as well as a few other things, I mean, severe depression and having to hide my true feelings and beliefs around my parents obviously can't help) is the reason why I've become more introverted, withdrawn, and it's the reason I have this anxiety. So I've gotten this far, I found the reason for it. Okay. Now, how do I get rid of it? I used to be a lot, lot worse and couldn't even speak to a fast food cashier to order lunch. So I've constantly put myself in social situations because apparently, the more you do it, the better you get at it, right? Well, I have consistently gotten better, and my social skills are much improved and I can technically talk to anyone now.

But I feel like I hit a brick wall. I just kept getting better and better, and stopped. My efforts haven't stopped. I only got better when it came to social skills, and understanding cues and stuff, but now I'm left with the one problem that I have so far failed to make go away - that uncomfortable-ness around others. I've been on anxiety medication for months and this hasn't changed. I don't fail as much in social settings, but I still am so uncomfortable in them. But when I'm alone, I get lonely. So apparently I hate being alone and with others. It's gotten to the point where I think I might have just given up. As a first year student in college, I don't like being the lonely student that doesn't really have anyone to talk to. But whenever I do have someone to talk to, I'm always uncomfortable. Even staying at my best friend's house last night whom I have known for five years, the feeling isn't as powerful but it's still there. It never goes away. I thought I could solve matters by withdrawing from everyone, but then I just get depressed. Ugh. It's a conflict, both ways I can't win.

Which is why I feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart every time I come across an eccentric person, weird, quirky, but happy, sociable, and have friends. They're not the most popular, they may not have the most friends, but they have friends they relate to and when they say "I don't care if people make fun of me for who I am" they actually mean it. These confident people who might do something crazy like just have a weird-colored dyed hair on purpose, show their interest in things like anime, video games... they're not self-conscious, and it makes me want to cry whenever I come across them. Because I identify with these people; if I never had social anxiety or depression come up, I could be happy and less dissatisfied with where I'm at in life, like them.

It's driving me insane!! !! ! >o< I don't see my therapist for almost another week, so if anyone can help at all with info or anything it would be appreciated...

on the surface, it doesn't seem like you have more than a few aspie traits. you do seem very shy, though. have you considered pmeds? i found that strattera helped me to function more normally at a social level, i.e., i felt much more "normal" around people and could think much more quickly and clearly. that may just be me, but there are other drugs to consider.
on the cognitive/behavioral side of things, my life became less angst-ridden when i just ran out of the energy to give a damn about what other people thought about me, and just decided to let my freak flag fly at full mast. nobody else can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Even though I developed alot in social skills I rarely get the comfortable feeling at the people I meet. People with peace of mind do give me that comfortable feeling.

It could also be social anxiety because of the bullying if it basicly around everyone. If that is the case force yourself in anxious situations to desensitize it and convince yourself it is safe at the moment (choose your location well).

Be yourself if you think you can be.

True, under the surface there are some aspie traits and not-so aspie traits I didn't mention; the problem is likely something beyond Asperger's at this point. As far as meds go (guessing "pmeds" was a typo), what types would work most, anxiety meds? I've been on the same anxiety med since April, like I stated. Is it possible that like antidepressants, sometimes a specific med just won't work? It helps with some anxiety but not social situations exactly. (Or maybe I need a higher dosage? err.) But feeling "normal" around people is definitely my goal here.

I want to just stop giving a damn about what other people think of me, and just be myself, but for some reason there's just some self-consciousness where I feel like if I just be myself, and stop closing myself away like the way I'm doing now, I'll be vulnerable and get metaphorically (not literally) stabbed or something. The reason Avoidant Personality Disorder seems to be possible is because it was associated with the fear of rejection, which I can tell (I could guess bullying and crap caused that) I have, and also a high sensitivity to rejection. Abnormally high - like being a guy, crying to people making fun of me, as late as age 14.

@ Wallourdes: Is that all there is to it? I've been forcing myself in anxious situations and it has had a slightly different effect - the anxiety hasn't worn off one bit, but it's gotten easier and easier to cope with and think under that stress/anxiety. Manageable, functional, etc... but there's a point to which the anxiety, even if it's possible to cope with, becomes overwhelmingly tiring. There's not really anyone that comes to mind where this feeling isn't there; with my parents, a much lesser extent, but that might just be because my anger takes over my anxiety whenever it comes to them. My younger brothers, still a lesser extent, but I live with them so it's a bit different story. But I still find it difficult to think freely/flowing when talking to them.

a lot of my anxiety was really from my frontal lobes not picking up the slack. the various stimulant pmeds [NOT a typo but shorthand slang for Psychiatric Medications] i took, helped greatly with this. when your frontal lobes are working well, many things [including social situations requiring high-speed "on the fly" cognitive processing] are much improved and more fluent. as your pdoc about it.



you are preaching to the choir here, as i am also a fellow traveller in terms of brain cramping/overloading in social situations. the strattera helped me a lot, though the effect is surprisingly subtle- it seems to kick-in just when it is needed. i felt about 20 points smarter in general. i felt much more relaxed and in control of my life, i.e., i could handle the slings and arrows with aplomb, for once in my life. before the drug, i mostly avoided social situations [and kept my head down at work] because i simply wasn't mentally quick enough to function. strattera kept me from being a hermit for several years until its one major side effect, GERD, got progressively worse for me and i had to drop the drug. am back to being a hermit. i do hope you would consider asking your pdoc about this drug.

Anxiety can be a b***h, but you could also try the following:

Is there any place you feel at ease? Your own room or a place in the park for example?
Handling your stressors is one side, recharging is another. Without being able to recharge properly you hardely get enough energy to do the handling (which costs energy).
The handling helps in the long run, but you need energy to do that at moments you do the handling.

Get a load of your shoulders by writing it off you, painting, screaming it off on loud music, etc.
Any way you can to express you're displeasure - get it clear.
Mind you're enviroment while you're at it

Damn, that sounds so much like me.

Hello,
I'm having almost the exact same difficulties and feel lost i hope everything gets better for you