Helpful criticism hard to get when friendships end. Why?

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Why is constructive criticism hard to come by when it comes to why some individuals are no longer friends?

Once in high school, I stared out into space before the start of Art Overview class and Russell Stiver shook his head at me. I asked him, "what's the problem?" His response: "You." So when I asked "What about me?," he just said "Shut the ---- up."

Another situation: In the parking lot after wrestling practice, I don't even say anything when J.G. says "No, I'll not give you a ride home." I ask him why. His response is "I don't like you." I ask "Why's that?" He just repeats, "I don't like you." (On the bright side though, about 9 years later, we've matured quite a bit to the point that we're Facebook friends now.)

Flashing back farther to 5th grade, when I ask them, "Why do you hate me?" or "Why do you treat me like this?," their response is simply, "You were born!"

First of all, why do peers hardly give any constructive criticism? Why can't they tell me what I did that was off-putting so that I'll know not to repeat that mistake to anyone next time?

Why do they want me to remain in the dark about why they're my enemies, when learning what my mistakes were will get me to mature faster and become a more personable person?

(We are often not aware of our bad habits and/or what turns people off until someone points it out, so that's why it's better to say, "Because you said (such and such)" instead of "Don't worry about it" and the like.)

(Also, when I was in the LDS church for a while, constructive criticism came about half the time. The men would tell me how exactly they and whatever other men came to not like me, but give me the run-around about the women of the branch. The women would give me the run-around too. One said something like, "I don't think you need to change the way you are just because you got her bad side." {or something to that effect.}

If something about the way I am would turn off a significant portion of a group or population, and not just one or two people, then I had better darn well know about the specifics!)

Last edited by EgaoNoGenki on 21 Dec 2010, 6:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The answer is a lot simpler than you might think: They don't even know why they don't like you. If a third party was to sit down and ask them, they probably wouldn't be able to come up with an answer. The majority of people have no idea what they are talking about at any given time, because the majority of people are not honest with themselves.

Then what's the point in not liking me any longer? If there's no reason to dislike, then why not stop disliking?

Some NTs like to play silly games like that, I guess.

Not knowing why and not having a reason are two very different things. A person may not like you for reasons they are completely unable to articulate. They may just be getting an uncomfortable feeling around you that is impossible to put in explanatory words. When they are young, they won't even try. They just say, "I don't like you."

If you really want to change this, you need somebody who is outside the situation to evaluate it. If you approach a friend or relative and frame it as a problem just like you did here, they might be able to help you more objectively. It might be something fixable like not monologing or washing your hair more frequently (these are random guesses based on problems other people have had).


It is encouraging that you are now facebook friends with somebody who didn't like you 9 years ago. It might just be something in the way you physically present yourself. Did the LDS men complain about you standing too close or talking too loud? (just guesses). Going back to what mindslave said, "the majority of people are not honest with themselves"...that could be a problem. If people are dsilikeing you because of some physical habit like not bathing enough or standing too close, they may feel a little guilty for it being a superficial reason and bury that in their heads and gloss it over with a vague "don't like". They would rather just not spend time with you than hand you a list of things that bother them but look silly when said out loud.

With any luck you'll stumble onto somebody who wants to turn you into a makeover project. There are people like that here and there. Lots of people get angry at being the subject of a makeover project. "Leave me alone. I'm fine how I am." But a person with a makeover personality gets frustrated if they can't fix things. Keep your eye out for women (they are usually women) who are constantly trying to fix the way a room looks or the way a project looks. Such a woman won;'t be interested in you romantically (sorry), but she will find fulfillment in fixing whatever she perceives is most off-putting about you and making you more palatable to the general public. If you see a woman who constantly rearranges stuff so it looks just right, introduce yourself.