Social Skill Paradox

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Hi, everyone. I haven't been to the forums in so long. I feel the need to be more involved instead of just reading, so here it goes.

I don't lack social skills. I have mastered being charming and sarcastic. I just obsess about what every movement and tone means. I have had many girlfriends and ones that weren't into anime/gaming etc. (Sorry, I don't mean to say those are bad traits or anything. I am just saying to explain how I feel weird and out of place being able to be apart of a different social world). Does anybody feel like their pretending to be normal and its exhausting? I remember reading something about being able to mimic and pretend to be normal or even cool/life of the party. And, I'm not delusional about my social success or anything. I mean I've thrown big parties with drinking and dancing, etc. It just seems so exhausting. Like, I have to make these priorities over everything else in my life to pull off. I mean, I grew up in a very rough family who just thought I was nerdy and odd, so they pushed sports and stuff on me despite my want to take apart electronics and play video games. I also am a good-looking guy, so people were more forgiving about social clumsiness. And, what IQ I was blessed with, I have used to make jokes and be a class clown Has anybody forced them self to be good at socializing? I was only diagnosed 2 years ago, so I feel like a weird hybrid of some kind. I mean I know we're all different in our own way, but I guess I was hoping to not feel lonely anymore about it. If anything, my topic of interest I know a lot about is people and social interaction. Specifically, I know all there is about dating and relationships. I guess I can consider myself lucky to be obsessed with an area that I innately suck at, but it just feels confusing. I've actually been considered as a playboy by many of my friends. I feel like a mutant even among you guys who share the same neurological differences that I do. I wish I was more interested in taking things apart and building stuff. But, I feel like I have mastered a world in which I don't feel comfortable in. Friendships and Relationships are just so come and go. Being amazing at math or trains or computers is so solid and physically real. I am obsessed with emotions and what things mean. So, I feel I've accomplished nothing. I feel like I am a genius at being normal, which doesn't feel so impressive, lol. I know this may come off as trivial since I am complaining about something most of you guys (we?) struggle with, but I envy those who can feel weird together. It feels like I'm breaking new ground and it's scary and lonely. It's so much to think about with just life in general. I feel fried a lot. I just want to be apart of this world without having to try so hard, you know? I really hope someone out there reads this and feels the same way. I feel stressed about about having so many places I COULD fit into, but none of which I actually feel at home. I'm sure a lot of Aspies would find themselves lucky in my shoes, but I'm not seeing it.. I just feel loneliness and stress. I don't feel the social success. I just know that I am succeeding. When I do actually act myself, I am alone and odd. But, I am not really accepted by the geek/nerd community as easily because they look at me and see that I can date pretty girls and joke with the "cool" kids. I feel like no one gets that I am both and neither at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I could one day pull off the whole social super nerd like Tony Stark, but on a daily basis I feel like a freak. Is this normal for anyone else? All the things I read in the forums are problems I had when I was a kid who hadn't found a way to fake being social, but now they're not so difficult to deal with. It's just exhausting.

Again, I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful or conceited. I just don't want to be alone anymore. Being social and having girlfriends is great, but I don't feel it normally so it means nothing compared to wanting to feel human. If anything, being so aware of social aspects makes me feel that much more inhuman. Humans just innately do it, I break it down to a science and judge those who do not follow protocol.

Thanks for reading this far. I really appreciate it. Happy Holidays, guys. I wish you the best.

Yeah, me too.
I never had a label, so through sheer intelligence, wit and hard work, my whole life has been an act, trying to be something I feel I should be, but am not.
I want a girlfriend as much as all the poor young lads here do, but Ive learnt that when you get one, its too exhausting playing that role so generally ditched them after two weeks.
Talking as well, I can be charming and witty, but then get embarressed when Ive given this impression but then run out of steam and revert back to type.

I understand completely. Rock on.

You just described me completely... My obsession/special interest is psychology and social interaction. Makes things easier and harder at the same time. I also have loads of friends but don't feel like any of them really know me. Do you feel like that?

I'm much the same, although I don't try as hard anymore to be social. After literally hundreds of friends and girlfriends all being come and go, I've come to realize they're a dime a dozen and don't really make me happy. I'm a mechanical engineer, and feel at my best when I can concentrate on technical problem solving.

You should try competetive gaming (poker, magic). Those guys are nerds, but also love to travel, party, and be playboys too. It's a good balance.

Yes, definitely. I have a lot of good friends, too. It's just impossible to actually be in sync with them, though. I never had a friend where I felt they truly knew me and how I think. I have really good friends who listen to me rant and sympathize with me, but they just assume I'm in pain or having an issue instead of truly understanding the words that I'm saying. Friends are suppose to help carry the weight when you can't deal with things, but I feel I burden them because they see me struggling and they can't do anything but listen. I've learned to use movies and protagonists from popular stories to explain my situation to friends. Movie scenes with music and camera angles help convey an internal struggle way easier than trying to do it verbally. Plus, I tend to think in pictures/videos, so it helps us connect. Still with all of that though, I feel alone. I want to feel that if I let my crazy out, my friends will be understanding and be able to explain to others the way I am. "No, you don't understand. He's like this this and that. That's why he's my friend", but i doubt people know me well enough. I'm sure they like me and love me, but to understand why someone does something is understanding who that person is. =/.

Thanks again for the responses, guys. I do appreciate it. I've been in the dumps lately, considering whether or not all this neurotic rationalizing is worth the trouble.. I honestly wish that I could just exist, you know? And, feel it. My psychologist said it best, "Close enough to know normal, but far enough to not identify with it". What is it that makes us inable to be insync with people? I don't feel biologically different. I guess a good quote would be from the popular aspie film Adam 2009 "I wonder what that's like" "It's not like anything, it just is". I've led a pretty bitter life, so it's hard for me to let go how alone and confused I was growing up. SO much time was wasted trying to figure out why I couldn't feel apart of a group despite how often we hung out. Thanks again, guys. =].