Reconciling but not wanting to be a friend again

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I, once upon a time, used to have connections with a someone who I used to consider a close friend for 11 years. However, she called me her best-friend but did things the opposite and got worse as she got older and became a teenager. For one thing, I would meet some of her girlfriends who she was going to school with since I wanted to get to know them. However, she had me convinced that none of them liked me because I was too talkative. She had also started ignoring me and giving me the run around in 1995 when I turned 13 by telling me that she was busy watching a movie and would call me later. In 1996, she started dating and it was like I wasn't at the top of her list anymore when and all of a sudden her guy friends were more important. She had also tried to turn me against my cousins that year by tell me that they got a hold of her phone number and they left nasty messages on her mother's answering machine that I was an "Imbasul (sp?)" or a "Nerd" because I talked about animated Disney films all the time. However, I knew for a fact that she didn't like it.

As her teen years progressed, she started acting very manipulative when it came to me calling her which included telling me to call back in the nest 15 minutes as she had other things to do. So, I would call back and then someone would pick up the phone and mention that she just left to get together with her friends. When we did get together, she would often tell me that I was too skinny or that I didn't eat right whenever I would eat. She would also make comments that I didn't have a certain look or dress a certain way when I would get turned down by a job or get accepted by others.

As a mature adult now, a lot of that still bothers me and I am in counseling talking about things like the situation with this girl and so I am going try and reconcile with her without trying to be a friend again. I figured that I would leave her one message on her voice and decided to give her a good week since the ball is in her court. However, I want to know what I should say without openly accusing her of things. Does anyone have any ideas.

It would be best to just clean your own side of the street, if or where needed, and to just leave her alone to decide about her own.

I wouldn't waste time on leaving her any more messages Miyah*. The ball seems to have been in her court for quite a while now.

edit: sorry, got your name mixed up with another WPer

Last edited by Lene on 23 Jan 2011, 9:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

I mean, I am not angry and I am not willing to be her friend anymore, it's just that I am cleaning my side of the street and I do like myself a little bit more now know what I want in a friend and I happen to have two who seem to be very real. However, I just feel that talking to her would be something that I would like to clear up. However, if she doesn't call me, that's fine and at least I tried.

You seem far more mature than her, with a lot of insights. It's expected that childhood friends 'move apart' and this may be best, given the circumstances. You've outgrown her. You don't need to talk to her about anything (I think you said it all very well right here). At most, I guess, if you must, just write her a respectful note with a 'please do not reply.' A "friend" surely wouldn't be calling you names. She *might* have been jealous of you. No worries, Miyah, you've done your part and more.

Instead, move on. You deserve better. You have a lot more to do and with others who are more sophisticated.

There was a cute song on the radio....lyrics, "She changed her name from Kitty to Karen...." She trades in her (cheap) car for a fancy Chrysler LeBaron. Etc. In other words, you're a lady now (and she's probably not). Find friends to suit you.

I know for a fact that she didn't and probably still doesn't like me. However, why would she call and invite me to things if she felt like that? I really don't get her as she mislead me on so many occasions.

Yes, that's really misleading. I've met individuals who are painfully inconsistent - I cannot know why. Seems like gaslighting:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting


Anyway, that's even more reason to move forward. Don't worry about why - - I am a logical being and when I try to figure out 'why' I become painfully frustrated. I just posted previously on the Wrong Planet....Q: How does one deal with people with whom one cannot deal with? A: You don't deal with them.

You'll do better without her and her kind.

I am not officially angry with her anymore but when I was younger, it really bothered me. One time, she had made plans with me to meet up at my house for a ladies sleep over with just the two of us. So I called to confirm with her, and he mother picked up the phone and went to go get her. Get this, she allowed her daughter to manipulate me by telling me to call back in the next 5 minutes because she was putting her make up on. I then went on to explain to her mother that my friend and I had made plans for her to sleep over. I then asked her if 3:00 PM would be okay and she left this two minute pause and said, "I don't know, you'll have to okay that with my daughter since she is 16." So, I agreed to call her back but the no one was home and so I had a wait an hour later for her mother to pick up. She told me that my friend decided to go out with her boyfriend.

So, in response, I used to handle situations like that by pranking her over the phone until she would get mad and ask me to stop and wonder why I was so angry. However, she ended up having one of her guy friends call me up and say nasty things over the phone or have her mother talk to my parents and make me stop pranking them.

You seem to have outgrown her. If you [i]do[/i] want to talk to her, ask each other to meet each other half-way. Talk about how you felt about her actions while letting her tell her side of the story. Whatever she felt you did, do not justify it so it seems that it is entirely her fault. If you did things that were wrong, tell her that you understand what you may have done was wrong yet there was reasoning behind it. There has to have been reasoning behind her actions. Just find out where you two were coming from.

I did call her again yesterday but I did not talk to her about how I was feeling or why I was really trying to contact her. Instead, I talked about how things were going with her and her family and then talked about where I currently am in life at this point in time. From the way the call went, both of you were right that I have out-grown her greatly. I had also noticed that when I spoke with her that she wasn't really interested in me and that she really didn't like me but that she was trying to cover it up with sweet cake icing and it didn't work since there was no depth to the conversation. Finally, she was quite sketchy in her conversations. For example, I asked her who she was dating now and she was like, " Umm, I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years." However, that didn't add up because she was happy with her previous marriage to her ex-husband 6 years ago and got divorced two years later. She seemed to used the word, "Ummm," quite a bit and usually when someone uses that in their sentences, it usually means that dishonesty is involved.

As for telling her how I felt, it came in an e-mail. I asked her why she rejected me the was that she did when she started dating and asked what I did that was so bad. I had also mentioned that from the last conversation, it just did not seemed that she liked me and so therefore was not really interested in connecting. Like I said, I am not interested in being her friend again either but I just wanted to clear the tracks with her since I am in counseling and I am learning how to be happy and let people go who hurt me in the past.

Last edited by Miyah on 24 Jan 2011, 9:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Its good that you've tried to reach out. You're being the bigger person. If she doesn't respond, then maybe its not worth it.

I agree and I have to admit that talking to her on the phone proved that I have better friends now who are very sincere. I may not like everything that they do but I admit that I am happy and I can always tell the difference between them and the other girl in a young adult's body who is yet to grow up.

I can also see a major effort in futility....just don't do it. After years of struggling with this individual, why bother? Move on. Sometimes, regardless of how miserably excruciating someone can be, it's best to just cut your losses and dump them hard. No need for explaining or rationalising, etc.

After speaking to her on the phone, I decided that I don't need to speak to her again as I am happy without her and I have been ever since the last time I saw her 9 and a half years ago. However, I have contacted her from time to time to see how she was doing but everytime I talk to her, nothing has ever changed. She isn't likely to really grow up and mature to be an a sincere adult.

To be perfectly honest, I wasn't ever happy around her anyway. She always made me feel empty and sick to my stomach. Finally, she was always better than I am at everything such as putting on make-up the right way and dating guys. It still appears that she is better than I am because she is a law-suit person, like her whack-job mother who claims that she has a disability and cannot work due to a so-called doctor report. The two of them never seem to take on any responsibility for themselves in that they make a mistake and then blow that situation out of proportion and then blame someone else. At the time though, I didn't think that I was capable of finding and keeping better friends who are more mature and sincere. This woman is too young for me and I don't want that.