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Jamesy
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14 Jan 2011, 12:26 pm

Okay I know this question is a bit blunt but i just need some advice from your experiences with friendships........

I have noticed a gradual problem which has been building up with my friends since 2008. 3 years ago they loved being in my company but nowadays they just act a bit cold and at times unfriendly to me like they don't really want me around. Friends that used to be very nice to me nowadays are just mutual when talking to me around my presence. Members of my friendship group who were mutual with me 3 years ago, today can barely stand talking to me or being around me and virtually do not answer when i try and talk to them and treat me like i am invisible. One of them who is dyslexic and used to be super nice to me has even started trying to wind me up more often. i started noticing a problem with my friends since late 2008 and it got worse in 2009.

the guy who makes fun of me his dad died of a heart attack in 2009 so maybe that has something to do with it?

To be honest though in the past i have been a bad friend to them at times. It could have something to do with me or the fact that maybe people just change? My attitude has also changed a bit because i am more stressed than i was 3 years ago, not as relaxed and i have less of a desire to go out and be social than i did when i was 18.

any advice because i am really at a dead loss on what to do about this? :(



MidlifeAspie
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14 Jan 2011, 12:42 pm

Stop complaining to them about your lack of women and issues with your height. A friendship is a two-way street and nobody will listen to that non-stop obsessional rant for very long.



Jamesy
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14 Jan 2011, 12:43 pm

I never complain to them. I usually just keep my mouth shut around them.



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14 Jan 2011, 12:46 pm

So it is just us who get that daily pleasure? :)

If you are quiet around them why do you expect them to interact with you? That is also a two-way street



Jamesy
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14 Jan 2011, 12:54 pm

Because a lot of the time whatever I say is just usually blown off by them. In case you don't know i have AS so obviously i am not going to be good at communicating.

I think the problem is in my head that nagging voice keeps saying to me "You have aspergers communication will never come natuarlly to you so do not even try." This self doubt in my head can paralyze me in social situations esspecially if i try and start conversations and get negetive feed back from my friends. It can cause me stress and anxiety. :(



MidlifeAspie
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14 Jan 2011, 12:57 pm

I gave up on having friends 16 years ago, so you are doing better than I am. They serve no purpose in my daily life and I do just fine without any. You might want to consider adopting this attitude so you no longer stress abut it - especially as you have enough other things you stress about daily.



Jamesy
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14 Jan 2011, 1:01 pm

So you think maybe a few years down the line i should move on from my friendship group?

Really communicating around my friends is like fighting a loosing battle.

I think i might have outstayed my welcome with my friends :(



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14 Jan 2011, 1:05 pm

I dunno. I'm just saying what works for me.



Jamesy
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14 Jan 2011, 1:10 pm

i think every year my friends are getting more and more distant and unfriendly to me. I can imagine in about 1 or at most 2 years from now they will not want to hang around with me anymore and will probably say it to my face :cry:

Now in 2011 i think they are merely hanging around with me just out of guilt and are unsure what to do with me.



Chronos
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14 Jan 2011, 4:20 pm

I think I would just approach the one that's the nicest to you at a good time and say you've noticed that everyone seems to be a bit cold to you and ask if you've done anything to put anyone off. Tell them you just want the truth.

Now you might get a giant load of criticism dumped on you, and it might upset you, but no matter how harsh this is, if you wish to maintain the friendship, you need to take it as constructive criticism.

Apologize to your friends for whatever behavior of yours they have an issue with. Explain the behavior, and tell them you are trying to change.

One thing that really tends to put others off is self centered-ness. This is the person who either talks about, or thinks about their own problems excessively, and they really aren't attentive to the problems of others. They fail to remember important events in the lives of others, and fail to ask the other person about them.

I had a friend who used to be like this and even I was beginning to grow tired of it. He realized this himself though before all of his other friends abandoned him. He now takes the time to ask how others are doing and show an interest in their life.



Jamesy
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14 Jan 2011, 4:31 pm

YES that is my biggest problem self centerdness. I am more self centered than i was 3 years ago.

I don't talk about my self centerdness to my friends but i probably come across as rude and uncarring because i only care about myself.

Unless i snap out of my self centerdness things are just gonna get worse. :(