I promised people I would update them on this, and I feel like talking about it at the moment. I could put this in love and dating but I think it's more about friendship. I'm very detailed. Duh.
The basic situation for me is that I can't tell if she is friends with me the way I feel I am with her. Basically she is my best friend and I have never had someone I got along with so well. In fact I've never had a true friend I set out to spend time with. I imagine NT's get along with a lot of people so I don't know if it's as special for her as it is for me. My read on her is that she is an extremely safe person, as in she doesn't take risks or do weird things and lets it come to her; she takes a lot of evidence to convince. Whereas I would be willing to take a chance and do something crazy if I thought it was the only way; I can make a big decision in an instant (I'm talking about friendship, love, a new life, that kind of thing).
Details: I'm male, 22, recently graduated, looking for work, meanwhile I am working part-time as an intramural sports referee in my university where I live anyway. She is 20, a student at the university, and also a referee, she also has another job but only since last October which is when we met. She is not taking classes because it's currently winter, but she still lives in her apartment here. All the references below are to in person conversations at work except the asking out part, which is e-mail (yes I was weak but I didn't know her number and thought I'd never see her again if I didn't do something) As you can probably tell, I'm in love with her.
To this point, in favor of her being a true friend:
1-She is not visibly shaken when I act like an Aspie.
2-She has sidled near me so that we can be next to each other even though we weren't in a conversation. Again, very uncommon for me.
3-She has started conversations with me.
4-She listens to me.
5-She tells me when she doesn't agree with or understand what I say.
6-She laughs at my jokes and not at most others.
7-She is serious when working, but I can always put a smile on her face.
8-She trusts me. And I mean I never get people to trust me. I can't even get people to believe I turned off a light.
9-She has called me gentlemanly when I asked to walk her home at night so she wouldn't be alone.
10-She has called me nice and smart. I'd only ever been called nice patronizingly, and no one had ever called me smart outside of academics.
11-She called her being in a relationship unfortunate and never mentions it.
12-She has told me that "hanging out would be fun."
13-She expects me to remember specific things she told me.
14-She thought it was cool that I asked her to come see a movie with me and said that I'd go by myself if she didn't come.
15-She apologized for not being able to come due to being held up at work and said that we should try a later time next week, then asked me when my soccer games were.
16-She told me not to quit soccer when I said I was going to, even though I made it clear it was not a big deal to me. As in she wasn't being superficial and really was giving her opinion, whereas most people would not try and change the decision of someone they did not care about.
17-She texted me late at night because she hadn't answered me to tell me she had fallen asleep. I said that was adorable. She said haha and said goodnight.
And opposed (this is where my guesses come in to play):
1-She hasn't noticed my aspie-isms because we haven't been alone or together for a long period of time?
2-She only was near me because she didn't know other people and I was welcoming, not because she considered me a friend?
3-She only started conversations with me because I looked like I wanted to talk to her?
4-She is just one of those super social-able people who makes it look like they are interested in everyone?
5-She just disagrees with me a lot and doesn't mind telling me so?
6-She laughs at other people's jokes and I just happen to make a higher quantity of jokes? (also only an aspie can write that sentence)
7-...that's pretty rock solid.
8-She didn't really trust me, it's just that I have a bit more experience and she was extracting my knowledge?
9-She was just being polite and she said her roommate was driving her home as a convenient excuse?
10-She called me nice and smart in saying she wouldn't go out with me. Her exact words were "I'm very flattered and you're a nice and smart guy, but unfortunately I'm actually kind of already involved with someone." So maybe it is just patronization?
11-She only said it was unfortunate for ME, not for her necessarily. And maybe she made it up to get me off her, or maybe she doesn't mention it because she doesn't want me to be weird(er?) or mean around her?
12-She hasn't actually seen me outside of work yet. Maybe it was just an expression?
13-She just is conceited?
14-She thought the cool part was that she could back out and not leave me completely screwed or just was saying cool even though her real opinion was "how odd?"
15-She apologized as a matter of course, and only said a later time works so I wouldn't think she stood me up and because she knew I had soccer games at a later time?
16-She said not to quit soccer because she couldn't come up with any more excuses to not come to a movie with me at that time slot?
17-She was just being polite and the haha was her masking how creepy she thought it was?
18-She still hasn't responded to my text asking her to come next week...
As for my state of mind, basically everything you can ask for in a friendship is present for me. It's not like she's perfect, I see flaws in her; and though she is like me in some ways, she is opposite of me in others; it really seems complimentary. I am attracted to her, but definitely not infatuated with her. And though I only have eyes for her I have never once treated her like anything other than a lady with my eyes. I am not afraid to tell her anything and I don't need to filter myself to get through to her; in fact, when I'm around her, I don't want to filter myself even the slightest. And I feel like she feels exactly the same way. In fact, my very first thought about her when I met her was that she looks at me with love in her eyes. That was before I even wanted to be with her. Yes it sounds corny but I believe it was love at first sight even when I did not think about romance at all.
Now actually writing it I see that it basically boils down to one of two things: either I am completely delusional, she is a liar, or I am absolutely right. I have thought that if she was just being polite, then why say I'm smart, too? Why is it "kind of, actually, already" in a relationship? Why is it "involved with someone" instead of "I have a boyfriend (my name)." Why is she very flattered instead of just flattered? If she is so honest with me (and I believe every word she has told me) then doesn't that mean she really is saying that she wishes she could go out with me but simply can't on principle? Why would she even act like my friend so often if she didn't care? Why would she be more friendly with me than with other referees if she thought of me the same way? Why would she tell me that she wants to do stuff with me and lie? Why would she laugh at my jokes if she wanted me to go away? None of that makes sense. I feel...so strongly.
23 Jan 2011, 2:12 am
