I decided that this community would likely benefit from a repost of my myspace blog entry that I made tonight, so here it is:
I know it's late, and I would just go to bed now, but I felt it important to document the results of tonight's social experimentation before going to sleep, so that the events remain fresh in my mind.
Tonight, after dinner, I decided to make another random walk downtown. I made a side-stop at the park before going to Rejuvenation (the local coffee shop). The park was very nice, as it is nearly deserted at night, allowing me to be alone with my thoughts, not having to worry about a large amount of distractions and noise.
Afterward, I traveled down to the coffee shop, where I ordered an iced tea (as usual), then, in breaking from my pattern of simply sitting at one of the tables, I went outside where there were a number of people. I made the decision to join the first group which had an empty seat, and that happened to be with a middle-aged couple.
In the conversation, I first asked if my presence would be welcomed, then after they agreed, I proceeded with a standard introduction (education and so forth), before attempting a "normal" two-way conversation, though the discussion remained informational for the most part. One thing that I like about speaking with older people is that there is far less in the way of confusing signals, and a more academic approach to discussion is possible as they are not overly concerned with the kind of nonsensical dialog that most young people are.
Surprisingly, in the 40 minutes of conversation, I was able to carry it fairly well. They made some odd comments (such as wondering why I was not attending MIT... I suppose an "overly educated" background and speech can cause people to build unreasonable expectations). The latter portion of the conversation dwelled specifically on my current major research interest, making and keeping friends.
On subjects such as this, it is necessary for an autistic (such as myself) to receive feedback from non-autistics (as their innate understanding of such situations is invaluable, though without direct prompting they are often unaware how deep their understanding of such matters truly is), yet such conversations cannot be held with anyone expected to be retained as a regular friend unless the person has been known for a long period of time, and the friendship had progressed to the advanced level of open communication. This can be very rare, it is not uncommon for people you have known for most or all of your life, such as parents, to still not be at this level. Surprisingly, they were able to offer some very useful advice, such as places to try to meet new people. They also commended me in my attempts thus far, especially in tonight's visit to the coffee shop. They also commented on my selection of them, rather than attempting to join one of the groups of college students, a decision I made primarily on the basis of available seating, but the ability to hold a true conversation was a major secondary factor.
Perhaps the most useful advice obtained from the conversation was when I specifically addressed the issue of "location-limited" friends, which I made reference to in the blog entry I posted this morning. They informed me that being overly dedicated toward the assimilation into any specific group can have the negative consequence of being outcast from it. Even if I perceive people within a group to be friends, they may still simply be on the acquaintance level, making anything other than location-limited contact be unwelcome. In addition, even at the "friends" stage, request for "hanging out" may still be unreasonable, with time being the major deciding factor.
In my case, time is very limited as I will only be in town for approximately one more month, so I was operating under the assumption that it would be in my best interest to try to get to know my new friends as much as possible within that timeframe. Apparently, this was a mistake, as these people probably see this process as moving to quickly. The core reason (and this is merely my own hypothesis) is that socialization for an NT ("neurotypical", a slang term for non-autistic) operates on the assumption that the person already has a sizable social network, and caution is to be exercised in any efforts to expand it. Without exercising this caution NTs may perceive this, even if only subconsciously, as untrustworthiness and as a result build mental "walls" in an attempt to distance themselves from that person.
From the information obtained in this conversation, I believe a refocus of my efforts is necessary. Instead of attempting to become good friends with anyone (which will likely only end in disaster for someone with both limited time and minimal prior experience with the friendship construct), I should instead concentrate on acquaintances. An excellent place to begin is a continuation of tonight's work: going to neutral gathering places (like the coffee shop), chatting with random people, and always operating under the assumption that I will not see them again in the future, which both reduces pressure on myself, as well as the people I am talking to (in reference to the subject of "walls" in the previous paragraph). In the movie Fight Club, such encounters were described as "single serving friends", which as tragic as it may sound, is likely a necessary starting point.
Through this process, general social skills may be gradually obtained, and with the group consistently changing, one will easily get exposed to many different frames of reference, which is always invaluable in understanding the most complex puzzle of all, people. They also issued a warning about being too committed to this process, that being my own naivete could potentially place me in dangerous situations, but so long as I operate under the assumption of "single serving friends", I shouldn't have to worry too much about this.
Other comments: I really need to check out their selection of herbal teas. I won't drink their sodas because of the sugar content, but the iced teas should also be avoided because of their caffeine content, especially if I intend to make such visits a regular occurrence. I also had the sense to bring a watch with me, so I timed the return trip (I still don't have a regular driver's license, so I had to walk). The time was 43 minutes. That's a good chunk of time simply walking too and from a location, but... at least it's good exercise.
Sorry if this is a bit difficult to read. Much of this was written after midnight.
12 Jul 2006, 1:38 am
