How do you cope at parties?

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Recently I have been forced by my parents to go to several parties, usually birthday parties, and usually 21st, which means they are HUGE.

They are unbearable. I sometimes end up crying in the car because I feel so miserable, there is nothing to do, too many people, they do not talk about anything interesting, the music is rarely any good and always far too loud, I am forced to stay and there is usually no private, quiet place. My parents refuse to leave me behind (or it is at our house) and afterwards, they say they are sorry I did not enjoy myself but I should put on a smile to make everybody else feel better. I feel like doing the opposite; it seems ridiculous that one miserable individual should try to make the mass feel happier when they are already happy; it should go the other way around, if anything. I cannot see myself going to bars, nightclubs and parties centered around alcohol consumption when I am a few years older.

I was wondering if other people with Asperger Syndrome have this issue. Most people seem to, yet can somehow get around it. Drinking, even small quantities, usually gives me a headache, and although eating is good, I fill up and feel sick. Also, there is rarely any dinner I like (frequently around 3/4 of the table are various mixed salads), I prefer puddings.

You're 16, I'm 33, but I still have the same aversion to parties.

At 20 years old I made irreparable damage on my first relationship, because on every photo in a restaurant with my girlfriend, I looked positively homicidal.

There is a whole lot of threads here with advice on the subject... the gist of it it, you will likely always limit your exposure to such things. You will also get better at surviving them. Others will never really understand, because what to you is survival, to them is enjoyment.

At this moment I would suggest actually not filling up - eat more economically, and slowly. The idea is to have something to chew on for longer periods of time, because it makes you feel your face and you won't lose control of your facial expression and panic.

You don't have to drink alcohol... but alcohol can help. It can help you either act more naturally, or embarass yourself if you try too hard. Alas...

Also, you don't have to put on a SMILE. Just focus on NOT FROWNING. That task is hard enough. But there are, again, tricks to it. Calibrating your control over your face by practicing normal facial movements, one of them is a social pseudosmile. If you can't go from zero to pseudosmile, then you chain it to intermediate movements that are also interpreted as normal, like "reaching for something in my tooth with my tongue", and go from there.

ALSO, there's usually a bathroom and an exit. People go to both for short periods of time, to smoke outside, and adjust their makeup and, well, pee. You can use those as places for short recovery periods.

Say you're ill to get out of going.

If I do have to go, though, I'll bring a PSP or something to entertain myself, find somewhere relatively peaceful and deserted (outside of the dancefloor), then sit there until the hell is over.

this is preaty much my method

Hmmm... It may be that your parents believe that they act in your best interest when they force you to come along. It would be typical of caring parents to try to help their kids socialize, trying to get them used to meeting people, not isolating themselves or withdrawing from social life. This because they know that there's often a stigma connected to being a recluse or socially awkward person. And they probably think that a little bit of social practice won't hurt you too bad. So your parents' intentions are probably good.
However, it may be that you have to explain a little bit just how stressful attending a party is to you. Are you diagnosed with AS, by the way? If so, your parents ought to know a little bit about what aspies often find stressful in social situations. You may say that you would be more willing to go to parties if your parents could help you find a more quiet place to sit, that you won't have to stay long, that they accept that you find a quiet spot to withdraw to. Choose a moment when you feel calm (not in the car on the way to the party) to explain just what you find stressful, and what would help you to feel better.
Just expect that as you get older, parties and functions of different sorts will continue crop up. Some may be smart of you to attend. And it may be beneficial to you to learn how to cope with them. I believe that's what your parents think, too. Just help them to help you.

Aside from the fact that I don't go to parties, it depends if I'm drinking. If I am, it's usually okay because everyone is acting the same as I normally do. If I'm not then I just stare at the wall because it's easier to ignore all the people, and noise, the noise especially if I have something to concentrate on that doesn't move.

I generally like to go to parties at which the following conditions are satisfied:
-people will be there whom I like and can engage in conversation or activities with - intelligent, extended conversation is best
-there will be some main activity which I am comfortable engaging in at length
-the stimulus level will be tolerable, or else there will be some convenient "release valve" available such as a mosh pit or dance floor

I usually end up sitting in the corner at large, drinking-oriented house parties, which is only fun if I'm stoned out of my mind (and I'm not stoned - or drunk - very often).

I love parties (as long as there aren't 'too' many people there and as long as I know most of them even if they're not a close friend) but I usually stick to those I know well, and will generally only talk to those I'm not so familiar with if they're near my close friend(s) unless we don't talk for too long.

IIRC I feel awkward in large parties if I only know a few people there.

I don't cope at parties..

I enjoy them. Parties are great fun.

What kind of rubbish aspie am I?

Last edited by MONKEY on 16 Jan 2011, 5:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I quite like parties as long as there aren't too many people and the music volume is at a point where normal communication is possible.

the main thing about loud music is that I can't shout very loudly. My voice just goes into some sort of lockdown, so people have problems hearing me. At some events it's nearly impossible to have a conversation at all.

It's not so much the AS about large parties, but my experience is usually that large parties result in fights or drunk people puking all over the place

I don't do well at parties at all unless the majority of the people there I am already well acquainted with.

July, 2009, my paternal grandad had some party thrown for him for something. I'm not terribly close to my dad's side of the family, and the party was a mix of them and the folks in my grandad's neighborhood. I had quit smoking cigarettes about two weeks earlier, and my reaction to being at the party was to leave and buy a couple packs at the nearest gas station. I didn't go back to the party, and I'm still smoking to this day.

Okay, I'm not still smoking because of that party, but I haven't attempted to quit since. I think I still smoke for the very purpose of having an escape in situations I'm not comfortable with. While I wouldn't recommend smoking to anyone who doesn't already, it has its pros for me. I can go to bars and feel a tad bit more comfortable, I can look like I'm preoccupied with the cigarette as if whoever I'm with or wherever I am is just the thing I'm doing on the side of my smoking...

It's not so much that I need to be doing something else as it is the main thing I'm doing is something I'm bad at. I think smoking just puts me in my comfort zone. My suggestion to whomever needs one is to find something small and nonaddictive to help put you in your comfort zone in awkward situations.

If I attend a party or not depends on a few factors, such as number of people, food and beverage, staying over night or not. I hate crowded parties, but when there's enough food, I can get myself through it, I'd never say no to free food. But I must have a day off afterwards, not b/c of the alcohol, rather from all the noises and people.

I "mingle" for a few minutes; basically just stand near a group with at least 2 people I've had regular contact with, keep up the psuedosmile Monsterland mentioned with the occasional chuckle thrown in when others start laughing. After that I excuse myself, always make sure you let at least 1 person know you're going, have a cigarette, walk to somewhere secluded yet still close enough to the crowd that I can run back quickly if I'm besieged by shady characters and then I head back to start anew.

I can usually keep this up for an hour or 2, with many cigarette and toilet breaks thrown in to calm myself. It helps if I bring my mp3 player with me so I can listen to music I actually like during my breaks. It's managable, but never pleasurable and I avoid it at all costs.

...allegedly one of my real-life friends met one of her best friends doing this. Except this was back in the days of the Game Boy Advance. And the game in the cartridge was Yu-Gi-Oh!, if I remember the story right.

Anyway, to OP: I'm sorry you have to go through this - going to a lot of parties, unfortunately, will not make you an expert at party-going. It sounds like you're forced to go to parties where you don't know anyone, which is even worse. It's a rule - an axiom, if you will - that normal people in the real world don't go to parties to meet new people, but instead to share experiences with their good friends. There's really no reason to put on fake emotions.

Any way you can get any of your real-life friends (if any) to go with you? Believe me, that would make a HUGE difference, and you might actually meet a couple people if they see you hanging out with someone else.

Funny, the way you describe feeling at a party is the exact same way I felt when I was young, only I forgot about this!

I developed some coping mechanisms. Maybe some are helpful to you or others.

- Try to spot the not NT people and start talking to them about anything that requires brainfunction. They will be grateful to you.
- Consider getting used to a little alcohol. One or two glasses could make a huge difference, as it might help you filter. Be careful though, you don't want to get used to this. "Don't try this at home". So maybe don't try.
- Same goes for smoking: gives you something to do, and gives you a chance to escape. Better even: consider fake-smoking. Just go outside and stand among the smokers. You don't really have to socialize. Lot's of people smoke just to get out of parties (and because they are addicted of course). Did you know a lot of not NT people smoke? Especially ADHD people (like me). And we are on the same spectrum, just a bit more hyper. Don't start smoking (and if you do: quit!), but do fake-smoke.
- The music: that sucks. I am able to handle loud music, but not if I detest it, like modern electronic stuff, of very commercial stuff. It feels like I am being hit. When you are able to pick your own parties: try those that play the music you like. In case you don't like music at all: try to see if maybe there is some music you can stand. Also: earplugs! It saves your hearing, makes the music less loud, but will enable you to hear spoken word more clear. (I am talking about semi-pro earplugs.)
- Loud music - not being able to talk over the music: I don't see a problem here. You have an excellent excuse to keep your mouth shut. : )
- Often it is ok to just sit aside and watch people. If people ask if you are ok, just tell them you are tired and like to watch people for now. Do try not to frown, like somebody else stated earlier. I didn't know this until last year, and I wish I knew earlier. (People just told me "don't look angry", and I didn't understand, because I wasn't angry.)

I hope some of this might be helpful. Try to make the parties the way you want them to be. I know it's hard. I did manage to enjoy parties for about 20 years though. I did have to pick the right parties though. Even considered organizing them. Just recently had enough of them, I am 36 now.

Oh, and do educate your parents. Try to make them understand how it feels like at a party to you. That way they might be able to really help you, not just force you.

Good luck!

soft earplugs might help--- you'll still hear everything but it will be softer volume. Alcohol usually helps, and food is a bonus. Bring a book or some magazines to read. Do people at these parties own a home or live in apartments? homes usually have yards or porches... these make good places to sit or be at, a bit quieter than the indoor party even if a few other people get the same idea. If you want, you can do this to appear helpful/active in the party ( while helping your own sanity)----bring some of your own CD's/MP3's and see if they'll play some while you're there. People do this sometimes at parties, and it makes it fun for the party-goers since they become active in making it an enjoyable time.