Breakthrough: I'm not wrong, you're just smug

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Don't know if this is going to mean much to anyone else, but I had a conversation with an aquaintance this weekend that led to a bit of a personal breakthrough.

All my life I've been making mis-steps in social situations and coming at things from different angles, with the result that I got slapped down pretty consistently by peers and elders throughout my childhood (not by my parents, but by their friends and my teachers). I learnt to defer to everyone else, since they obviously knew the right way to do things and I didn't. It got to the point that I'd never give my true opinion about things, out of fear that I was opening myself up to ridicule and condemnation if I was honest.

So, you can bet that getting diagnosed with Asperger's last year, and told that I wasn't a freak or an idiot, just playing by a different set of rules, was immensely validating.

This weekend I went to a birthday part and wound up talking to an acquaintance who happens to do the same type of job. Now, I have my weaknesses, but I've found a job that plays to my strengths. I've won awards for my work and last year did the work of a four-man team single-handed during a crisis period. The type of company I'm working for also means the work I do is more complex and demanding than is the norm in my field, which I thrive on. But, since the aforementioned crisis period my bosses have been trying their damnedest to make me into manager, and my Aspie brain has been disintegrating under the stress of a role I'm completely unsuited for, so I've recently decided to find another job.

This aquaintance doesn't know I'm an aspie but I told her I was in the market in case she'd heard of anything and mentioned that I wanted to get back to [type of work] and away from management. To which she rolled her eyes and "gently" told me that surely moving up the corporate ladder would involve more responsibility.
As I've said my instinct is to be placatory, so the massacre began. I attempted to explain the problems, and got steamrolled everytime. Apparently my deadlines are easy to meet, my team is huge, my workload teensy, if I think my projects are challenging I should see hers, I need to join the association she's chairing, on and on ... until she said something that revealed that her "challenging" job involves doing only the first phase of mine, approximately one third of my workload.

And I realised that this was one smug b*tch.

It was the first time were I've ever known, without any self-sabotaging insecure voices niggling at me, that I was in the right, and it was the person I was talking to who was making themselves insufferable.
Not that my rolling over and fighting to placate her were particularly dignified, but I'll certainly know better next time. I think I might be developing the courage to have people disagree with me - looks like they're not automatically right.

Yeah, my eureka moment was when I realized that 90% of the time, I'm right, and everyone else is wrong. Ever since then, I've been moving forward.

It's liberating, isn't it?

That woman was a bully.

I had a similar bully encounter recently. It's funny that most of the time they come out of nowhere, unexpected, while I am feeling weak and unprepared, but I managed to gather my strength and tell the dude off - firmly and loudly. It was a victory as far as I'm concerned.

I have had similar experiences.NTs like to make themselves out to be far more capable and talented than they actually are.We on the other hand are constantly worried that we don`t measure up and do not bluff our way to the top the way they do.They love to embellish their achievements and capabilities and make out that they are managing so well despite all the pressures-meanwhile some Aspie is probably doing most of their work and fixing their messups without getting paid for it-Go for management-I have and am lovin it!

Don't know if this is going to mean much to anyone else, but I had a conversation with an aquaintance this weekend that led to a bit of a personal breakthrough.

All my life I've been making mis-steps in social situations and coming at things from different angles, with the result that I got slapped down pretty consistently by peers and elders throughout my childhood (not by my parents, but by their friends and my teachers). I learnt to defer to everyone else, since they obviously knew the right way to do things and I didn't. It got to the point that I'd never give my true opinion about things, out of fear that I was opening myself up to ridicule and condemnation if I was honest.

So, you can bet that getting diagnosed with Asperger's last year, and told that I wasn't a freak or an idiot, just playing by a different set of rules, was immensely validating.

This weekend I went to a birthday part and wound up talking to an acquaintance who happens to do the same type of job. Now, I have my weaknesses, but I've found a job that plays to my strengths. I've won awards for my work and last year did the work of a four-man team single-handed during a crisis period. The type of company I'm working for also means the work I do is more complex and demanding than is the norm in my field, which I thrive on. But, since the aforementioned crisis period my bosses have been trying their damnedest to make me into manager, and my Aspie brain has been disintegrating under the stress of a role I'm completely unsuited for, so I've recently decided to find another job.

This aquaintance doesn't know I'm an aspie but I told her I was in the market in case she'd heard of anything and mentioned that I wanted to get back to [type of work] and away from management. To which she rolled her eyes and "gently" told me that surely moving up the corporate ladder would involve more responsibility.
As I've said my instinct is to be placatory, so the massacre began. I attempted to explain the problems, and got steamrolled everytime. Apparently my deadlines are easy to meet, my team is huge, my workload teensy, if I think my projects are challenging I should see hers, I need to join the association she's chairing, on and on ... until she said something that revealed that her "challenging" job involves doing only the first phase of mine, approximately one third of my workload.

And I realised that this was one smug b*tch.

It was the first time were I've ever known, without any self-sabotaging insecure voices niggling at me, that I was in the right, and it was the person I was talking to who was making themselves insufferable.
Not that my rolling over and fighting to placate her were particularly dignified, but I'll certainly know better next time. I think I might be developing the courage to have people disagree with me - looks like they're not automatically right.