Hope you can help me understand my friend....

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Hi I have a friend who is self diagnosed aspie in his mid 30s. I enjoy his company and we get on really well, however, sometimes it feels like I am doing all the work, I mean I have some aspie traits too, but I will contact him and he ignores me, then when we meet its as if nothing happened.
Yet its pretty obvious he does want to be friends.
If noone makes the effort in an aspie friendship then surely it would just fizzle out?
I just wondered if it is ok to keep encouraging etc or does it feel like an added pressure?
Any advice gratefully received, thanks!

Being an aspie means he should have an obsession or two. Identify whatever that may be and use it as a way to intiate conversation; giving him something he likes to talk about can help him to open up. Just be careful not to let him get to wrapped up in talking about it, or you may never get to anything else.

I choose to be with friends when there are practical reasons for being there. I don't like to spend hours chatting for no particular reason. Maybe your friend would be most comfortable if you could find a common interest that you could share side by side or together.

Well, I think that its up to you. You seem to understand to situation pretty well, so if you want to work hard to keep this friendship, then go for it. I mean, the bottom line here is that it is what it is, its just up to you now whether you want to work with the situation or drop it. I dont think that theres anything wrong with either option.

Thanks for your replies.
I do want to make the effort, sometimes it feels like I am bugging my friend because it is all on me to make arrangements etc.
I suppose I am just asking, deep down, is a person with aspergers appreciative of a friendship, or is is just well, if its there, its there, if not I'll just get on with whatever?
I ask all of you out there 'cos you know how it really feels, thanks.

I enjoy practical friendships. I like doing functional things with people to get things done. I don't really value just being with a freind, unless it is to have conversation that can lead to some productive end that has to do with my interests. So the answer to whether or not I enjoy friendship is yes and no. Yes if it has a practical purpose, no if it is just for "sentimental" reasons....

Everyone is different, so I can´t say for anyone else, but even if a friendship is very very important to me, I am unable to express that emotion effectively, so I don´t. Some of the most important things that people have said to me, or done for me, I have never let them know. But, if he is lonely, and is struggling socially, its a good bet he does appreciate it.

You´ll know if he doesn´t want to be your friend when he doesn´t return your calls, or refuses to meet with you completely(when it just happens sometimes this could just mean that he wants to be alone, we tend to need that A LOT, so a random dispersal of instances where he ignores you probably only means he needs some alone time, if he agrees to meet up with you later, then this is probably the case). But I think that you can only infer that appreciates you indirectly, cause he probably won´t say it. But, if he always agrees to meet with you and go along with your plans, its the best indirect indication that he appreciates what you´re doing.

All I can say is that I wish that I had more people like you in my life who would make the extreme effort it would take to hang out with me, because I am not capable of doing it, and I am sure a lot of the other people here agree.

Your friend's problem may be nothing more than minor preoccupation and anxiety. Marshmallow, have you simply expressed your irritation to your friend? Clear the air! Show him the respect to tell him forthrightly what a right insensitive bastard he is being! Spell out the problem. Express your emotions. Only dropping hints will be just obnoxious on your own part and decidedly unhelpful.

Thanks so much for your replies, anandamide, jonathan79 and AaronAgassi, they are truly appreciated.
I have to say I enjoy coming on this website, you peeps make so much more sense than others Ive been on!
I enjoy spending time with my friend too much to be easily put off and I have told him so. I want him to feel relaxed around me and for me not to be another pressure on him.
He is definitely worth the effort!
Love Marshmallow

Is walking on eggshells really the right thing?

I must admit it does feel like that sometimes, I think the fact that I am older and a mum helps me have patience.

Suppose you upset him. Will he really abandon you? I doubt that he can afford it. Therefore, perhaps, perhaps you can offer him more intellectual and emotional challenge. Or is he one to harbor a grudge?

Thanks for your interest, AaronAgassi, you are certainly making me think.
I suppose because I definitely feel I have some aspie traits myself, I would hate to make him feel that horrible cold, abandoned feeling you get when you feel youve messed things up.
But, perhaps thats only natural and part of any relationship, the ups and downs.
They make it more real.

Perhaps the feeling of being under attack or put on the spot, in it's focus and attachment, might at least rule out the chill of impending abandonment. Especially if you speak of the future, implying that, obviously, a future together is still presumed.

You mentioned and someone else reiterated that AS is different for each of us....Your friend may really enjoy your company but need less of it then you do....or have such anxiety about losing a friendship by saying the wrong thing that although enjoyable also comes with to much anxiety and need to be in the right frame of mind/emotion to handle communication ...(the kind of insecurity represented in the saying...If you "really" knew me you wouldnt like me..)Sometimes people have just about had to drag me out of the house due to my anxiety....but sometimes I have fun once I'm out...Also. when Im in the midst of one of my obbsessions it is difficult for me to concentrate on anything not pertaining to it....its not that I want to be this way but that is just my "reality"...and Im not very good company when this is going on in my brain...With an NT it might be accurate to say ...A behavior =B reason...ie....not calling a friend = dont like that person or enjoy their company...it is not that simple with AS.....The real question is....can you except the person as is or do you need them to change for the friendship to be worth all your effort?....Dont feel bad if the answer is "not worth the bother...need a friend to do things with on daily/weekly bases...if that is your reality,then so be it.

marshmallow expresses a frustrated need. The object, if at all possible, is to illicit the desired change in responsiveness from his friend. The obstacle is fear to hurt his friends fragile feelings, at least excessively.