Did I do something wrong here, or was she just being rude?
I know if I ask anybody in real life they are going to tell me that I am worrying too much about this, as often happens, but this is really bugging me. I can't figure out what went wrong in this interaction and it definitely did not sit well with the other person.
A couple days ago, I was buying some shirts at a large department store in the mall. It was evening after work and it was not busy. After I had chosen my shirts I went to a checkout station, at this store they have these square counter arrangements scattered around the store where one or more salespeople can stand inside the square and check people out at the different sides. There was no representative at the counter so I stood at the counter for a short period of time waiting (less than a minute). Then I noticed nearby, a guy had come in the door with a pair of pants (to return, I later learned) and a saleswoman approached from somewhere else in the store and talked to him (he might have been over there before I came to the counter, I didn't notice until I stopped and looked around to wait). After they talked they both came over to the counter for her to process his transaction. When she approached the counter, the saleswoman said to me "Do you have a question? cause he was here first" (not very nicely). I said something like, no I didn't have a question, I was just waiting to check out, and I believe she told me again I have to wait (I don't remember part of the conversation very exactly so I'm paraphrasing for most of this). Anyway, I said that was fine (I was not bothered), and I stepped to one side along the counter so he could stand at the register at that end (there was another one at the other corner, but no other representatives). I don't think my demeanor indicated any bother because I was not bothered and he just had a pair of pants to return, also I wasn't particularly in a hurry. I was holding my son (2 years) but he was not crying or making much noise, though asking occasionally "ready go?" as he was tired.
Then, the saleswoman stopped and looked at me and said "you need to stand over there, so he can have his personal bubble" fairly unpleasantly. I stared for a moment and then said something like, "uuuh... okay" and retreated further away to the side and away from the counter (now about 10 feet from where the transaction was taking place). The guy returning the pants, who was maybe in his early twenties, didn't react to this from the salesperson in any way, either to confirm that I was invading his space or to act like she had said something unusual.
Now I have heard people comment before that people with Asperger's have "personal space" issues, but I have not been aware of infringing on people's space before, usually if anyone is bothered to my knowledge it is me thinking the other person is standing too close or me moving away slightly (or fighting the urge to do so). But she acted like I should know this, and he did not act like anything was out of the ordinary with her saying this. Note: this is not a setup like at the pharmacy line where they have a small rope and a sign telling people to wait here for privacy or anything. Also, I was not standing (I felt) particularly close when I moved away initially down the counter so he could deal with the pants and he stepped into that space readily. But of course I wonder... do I in fact stand to close and not know it, routinely? On the other hand, while I was waiting at a distance feeling foolish, two other people came in gradually and queued up behind the guy at a similar distance to how close I'd been before, and she did not say anything to them.
But on the other hand, when she dealt with me after his transaction, she didn't say anything else unpleasant and even ended with the "have a nice evening", though I did not feel I could return the feeling at that point so I just said "thanks". So this is some evidence that she might not have been just being rude.
I am really perplexed as to where I went wrong here (or if I did). Should I have stepped back instead of to the side? Said something else initially? This is kind of a typification of me always screwing things up and people I interact with ending up pissed off for unknown reasons, and it's been bugging me.
Last edited by grendel on 08 Jan 2011, 3:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
It's very possible that something had happened between the customer and the employee outside of your knowledge that put the employee on edge during his transaction. While you may not have been picking up any signs of discomfort from him, that may be because he'd just culled the employee into doing what he wanted which may not have been presented under the nicest of terms. In other words, she might have been trying to seem over-accommodating to him to diffuse any possible upset.
Also, anyone holding a two year-old for any serious duration of time is likely to seem uncomfortable. She might not have realized that your discomfort was physical and you weren't intending to communicate or acknowledge that discomfort.
Plus, I've seen retail employees who only think you exist when it's your turn. It's really bizarre but I've seen it again and again in many different stores.
I don't think you did anything wrong. I think she was a bit rude without it being personal. While annoying, confusing and completely unnecessary, this event can be dismissed as "people are stupid" because I don't think we're going to know exactly why she acted the way that she acted.
And I so feel you here. There have been discussions that have gotten away from me and I have no idea why. I try to take personal responsibility for as much as possible but sometimes I'm really just stumped. I'm afraid of confrontation at this point.
It sounds to me like she was being rude to you. I often come across people who are just plain jerks. I usually don't pay them much mind since I figure everyone has bad days. I am crabby some days so I give leeway on these attitudes. I wouldn't have stepped to the side though. I would have asked why and if I felt she was being ridiculous I would have told her that I was fine where I was. The thing I can't stand is when rude people try to turn the tables and say I was the one being rude when I don't back down.
This sums it up perfectly and can be applied to all areas of life.
I think a lot of problems boil down to the fact that we're not taught this rule officially.
I used to be passive and too scared to say anything, but I've been getting better at standing up for myself.
So in this case, I would have said "Well actually, I have been waiting here for service for X minutes, and its pretty poor that there is nobody around to put my sale through"
If I had any more rude responses, I would have dumped my shopping, and walked away from the purchase, making a point of it to the bitchy sales woman.
Well, in this case I really wasn't waiting that long, and as far as I know the other guy may have been there first, I wasn't really paying attention. I was just kind of taken aback by her reply (for all I knew, I was in the wrong). It didn't occur to me at all the scenario that wefunction mentioned that there was something going on between her and the other customer, that is an interesting thought.
I completely feel that way.
Grendel, I was reading your thread and sort of giggled a little bit at the way I myself would meticulously analyze this particular situation if it'd been me in it. And this while the sales person had probably already forgotten about it.
This may sound a bit harsh, but they're sales people. Some of them are really bad at the 'service' part of their job. And usually it's not our fault.
Don't beat yourself up about it, especially with other people lining up behind the guy (!)
She was probably already irritated, and it seems like you handled it fine. I probably would have put my stuff on the counter and left if someone talked to me like that. Then again, I seem to have a problem interpreting tone of voice; for me its either friendly or hostile, with no in-between
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"To the end, my dear." ~ Stravinsky
Seems the other posters are offering great insight.
If I were to put your question to my sister, she'd tell me to write a letter to the management and mail it Certified, so they have to sign for it at the post office. You get a green postcard-size thing back with someone's signature on it. You may not get any acknowledgement...but if the clerk's been like that to other people, believe me, someone in management knows about it. You never know, that manager might be waiting for a reason to fire her.
Whatever was going on had nothing to do with you. Doesn't sound to me like you were doing anything wrong. One of the sad things here is that...she didn't know who you were. You could've been the richest woman in town, and she brushed you aside for some dude who the store was never going to see again.
Iciness with no words might have had her bowing her head to you. Practice this in the mirror (if you think it might help next time you run into that): It's a lift of an eyebrow, just a small lift, and a crinkle of the nose, a tiny crinkle like you just smelled an odd odor, and a tiny, indulgent smile. Do this while you angle your head a little bit up so you're looking down your nose at her. There's nothing like obvious snootiness to take a jerk down a notch.
And then don't talk. Let her do all the talking, and don't respond, unless she's asking you a direct question that needs to be answered in order to process your purchase.
I've had to do this at work, surprisingly it's usually with men, the good-lookin' ones who, you can see when they walk in the door, think you're supposed to bow to them and greet them warmly and in kiss-ass style, and be happy he's there, just because you're wearing casual clothes that day and you aren't model-gorgeous. I've seen some fine-ass men quite taken aback. It may sound like I'm advising to mean, but the clerk you speak of broke the store's rules (first-come, first-served) and was rude, which often will convince a shopper to shop somewhere else. Someone would be doing her a favor to put her in her place.
Most people working retail aren't good with customer service. That's why managers have to do what they can to mollify a customer. That's also why retail employment has such high turn-over. But it's not your responsibility to feel sorry for her. Your responsibility is to pay for your purchases, that's it. Hers is to check you out with your purchases in a professional manner.
Yeah, it's easy for those in real life to say, don't let it bother you. It's harder for them to put themselves in your shoes. The clerk was, as we say in the Midwest, "showing her a**."
I liked poster devark's commentary, about leaving the stuff on the counter. Right there shows the clerk their behavior was acknowledged and their commission just walked out the door because of it. And Kahlua's commentary, telling the clerk that she'd been waiting for X minutes.
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