What areas of social skills do you wish you knew more about?

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If you could take a class that would teach you anything you wanted to know about social skills

What would be the biggest questions you would want answered?

What sorts of things would you want to be in that class?

How would you want the class to teach you that information?

the "putting oneself into another person's shoes" thing is still a thing, i am not sure if i understood it yet.

bye,
anton

I'm mystified by humour. Some things genuinely make me laugh, a real, hearty surpised laugh, but when I see groups of people sitting around talking and telling stories and laughing, I usually don't really get what's funny. I can smile at people (because it makes people smile back, which is nice) but if I tried to laugh to get someone else to laugh it would sound so fake, wouldn't it? Also, people sometimes say mean things and then laugh in a I'm-just-kidding way. Or is it a I'm-laughing-at-you way? hmm...

As for how such skills could be taught, I suppose it would involve recruiting some kind and understanding NT's who are familiar with aspie ways and are also good at translating/explaining. Are you thinking of running some classes, Cookiemobsta?

I wish I was better at small talk with random strangers or acquaintances. I really don't get talking about nothing

I want to learn the kind of skills you can't read about or be taught - how to make friends. It seems to depend on some balance of social rules and being yourself that I can't quite figure out.

^ seconded.

I think its whatever innate brain wiring there is to lie/deceive/manipulate people is simply lacking inside my skull... small talk is all this.

That whole thing where you can be in a new group of people like a class or work environment, after a short space of time NT's seem to be getting on with each other, by the end of the day or the week they'll be exchanging phone numbers and adding each other on facebook - I'd LOVE to know how they do this, how they become friends like that, why that differs from me...why I'm stuck very much on my own, without anyone talking to me, isolated from others.

Once people talk to me they usually like me (honestly, they do), but it's just that whole initial part of going from strangers to acquittance or friend, that point where they can have conversations rather than just say things to each other...I find that if you can't get this part that NT's seem to make up impressions of you; cold, ignorant, rude, anti-social, b***h, every name under the sun without knowing the first thing about you. I'd like someone to explain why that's okay in their world too.

I'm reading a book called A Fieldguide to Earthlings by Ian Ford (www.afieldguidetoearthlings.com) which suggests that conversations are about more than just the verbal exchange. The words are a big part of the message, but just as important (to non-aspies) is the time and effort spent conveying nonverbal messages.

I find it easy to talk to strangers (especially if I think I'll never see them again) because if I screw up there are no repercussions, whereas if I embarrass myself while talking to coworkers or neighbors I (and they) will likely remember it next time our paths cross. So I'll use my stranger-interactions as practice. I practice eye contact, conversational reciprocity and smiling at bus drivers, cleaning ladies, the clerk at the library. Sometimes I feel successful, sometimes not, but overall I think it's beneficial for me, and may once in a while make someone else's day at the same time.

The issue (at least for me) on the whole thing is that I know I can fake it and function in a small talk environment I will end up missing almost every nuance of it... and I wont realize it until hours have passed...or days even.

When I do fake it in order to function, to me it feels like an empty victory. Yay I faked it... yet it seems everyone else does it naturally & effortlessly and end up energized by it.. whereas I end up with accumulated social stress and the dread of hours later experiencing the '$#@$#@ she WAS hitting on me and I missed it!!' situations.

My therapist made me realize just how easy I miss those things in small talk. At the end of the session she asked her pretty assistant to ask for the payment for the session... and casually hint she might want to go out with me on the weekend.

the exchange went something like this:

She told me the amount due and my hands went to my pocket..

her: '*soft smile* you doing anything on the weekend?'
me: *taking my wallet out* no, nothing at all.
her: There's a great band playing tonight at the *name of cafe*
me: *giving her the money & replying with a smile* never heard of them.

she took the money I thanked her and was walking out when the therapist called me in and pointed it all out.

Quite frankly I DO catch those things IF im in a situation where Im expecting something like this to happen.. but when ambushed like that ... absolutely hopeless ><.

- keep conversations flowing
- start conversations when I want about what I want with who I want, without being awkward
- properly respond to signals I get.
- quicker processing of what is said to me.
- holding my attention for what others are saying longer.
- make others interested in what I'm doing
- make my great arguments come across in discussions
- not 'inhibit' my voice because I'm afraid of the responses to what I say

This is all really good guys, keep it coming!

And @Sandra, yes, I'm planning on making a website with a social skills course. I have Asperger's myself, but I've worked very hard at understanding social skills and I feel I've "made it" in many ways---I feel very comfortable in social situations, I catch nuances that even NTs miss, and I've got a lot of great relationships. I want to use the principles I've learned to help other people, so I'm working on the social skills course. However, it's one thing to want to write about social skills in general, and quite another to know exactly what people want to read about so I know where to focus. So all of your comments are very helpful to me.

If any of you are interested in this course, by the way, feel free to PM me with an email address. I'll put you on the "beta test" list and I'll send you a rough draft of each lesson as I write it. That way, you get it before anyone else, and I get the benefit of your feedback to help refine the lessons before the site goes live.

I will be in the beta program pm me

Hmm I feel a lot of things that I wanna master, its hard to be taught in a social skills class, they very heavily from social situation to social situation. I think ideally if there was some sorta "social" program for aspies. It would combine classroom like social skills learning with group sessions where aspies can freely discuss anything pertaining to social situations and understanding people.

In order to truly learn, you need to constantly face social situation after social situation good or bad. If bad, you'd need to figure out what went wrong and how to learn from that. What has helped me is to have "translators or interpreters" which I often end up making my friends into. But sometimes friends dont wanna constantly have that role and some aspies dont always have friends that would wanna assume that role. Thru group sessions, aspies can bounce ideas off of each other. Afterall we all got different strengths and weaknesses.

Id like to learn:

How to greet people properly, more like practice, I can do it in my head, I just cant do it in RL unless I know the person well
Learning better how to take strangers to acquintances to friends.
Know the signs where a person wants u to get 2 know u better and when a person doesnt
How to better initiate conversations
How to give off better "signals" that I want to get to know some1 better. Often times people dont realize it, it takes me going up to them a billion times until they realize it.
How to talk better in groups
How not to scare people off at the acquintance level, and the friend level tho I realize the friend level is much more complicated.
How to push my appropriately push my limits with friends in terms of topics to talk about and know appropriately how to gauge what is going to far without actually doing it. (complicated huh)

Hey guys! Keep the feedback rolling--this is all very helpful. I'm still working on the first few lessons and with luck I'll have those out by the end of the week. If you want to be in on the beta test, there's still room--just send a PM my way!

PM sent, this is a great idea!!

Today I was helping my mother load some heavy stuff onto her car..ceramic tiles and such since her bathroom is being remodeled.

We stop by a local eatery to have lunch. Theres nobody inside only 2 guys behind the counter and one girl cleaning the tables & mopping the floor.

We had lunch..left the building... when we get to the house and im unloading the stuff she mentions the girl at the place had been checking me out and smiling at me when I would look in her direction.

Me: really?


*sigh*