A death in the family

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My grandfather died this morning. He had Alzheimer's and I think Parkinson's, as well. I never really knew him. I mean, I met him. I saw him whenever I visited my other relatives. But he hasn't really been "here" for as long as I can remember.

A lot of the stories I have been told about him were... less than flattering.

But still, I felt very upset when I first heard the news. I think I am sorry for his suffering, and am glad that it is over. But I also don't want to have to see my relatives suffering now that he's gone.

Now, I don't know how I feel. I cried. I brooded. And for awhile I forgot about it all by spending some time with one of my friends. But now I am shakey and cold and just generally feeling unpleasant inside. I am not looking forward to the wake tommorrow, or the funeral, the day after that.

How do you deal with a relative passing? I'm not sure how to behave, or what to think or feel. When I think about it, I am not happy. When I don't think about it, I feel guilty and selfish.

It's all very confusing.

My condolances on your loss.

The passing of a family member is never an easy thing even if we were not "close" with them in life. People deal with the situation in a wide variety of ways ranging from celebration of a life that was to a formal mourning period (often dictated by regional custom or religion). Grief is a very personal thing and no two of us experiance it in the same way. However you are feeling, just know that it is OK to feel that way. Sometimes when someone that we do not feel close to passes away we are caught unaware by the level of loss that if induces. We may feel that we don't have the "right" to feel as we do, this however is never the case.

I wish you strength in the next several days as you attend the wake and funeral, and although it is cliche to say so...let me know if there is anything I can do(really).

Hi Civet

I was in a very similar position twice in recent years, both my grandads died after long illnesses and the hard part was watching them and the family closest to them suffering through it as they lost their lives bit by bit, and the gap their passing left in my grandmas' lives. The situation sucks, especially when you have mixed feelings about it and don't want to appear unfeeling. What I did was make myself available to help my grandmas out and listen to their grieving, trying to help them through it. It is hard going and I sympathise with you. Showing concern for others is something you can do at this time, and will take your mind off how you feel (or how you think you must appear). The funeral itself is hard, but most people perceive any distance or 'oddness' on your part as part of the expression of grief, so I wouldn't worry too much civet - funerals are hard on everyone. Grim stuff. I'm sorry for your loss.

Dunc

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I've had two Relatives die of a Heart Attack one week after another in the same month a few years ago. I've also had a Great Grandma and a Grandma die two years apart, starting in 1994, and than soembody that my Family was old neighbours with died in 1999.All of these deaths took place in January. I'm not exagerating, either. I feel for you. It's tough when a Family Member or a very close friend dies. Your Grandfather is in a better place, and he feels no more pain. I encourage to take some time to grieve. I didn't allow myself to grieve, and I ended up suffering from Depression. I wish you all the best.

Shelby

i'm sorry to hear your news, Civet. let yourself feel how you feel, and then stick all the horrible bits away somewhere safe when they're too much to cope with. it is normal to feel all over the place, even to not know what it is you're feeling. be gentle with yourself.

(vivi sends Civet a cyber hug, if she likes hugs).

vx

It is very difficult to deal with a death and it can leave you feeling all mixed up. When one of my grandads died I felt exactly the same as you- I didn't know him all that well and he had been ill for a longtime before he died too. I cried a little, but I was able to feel ok when I didn't think about it and for that I felt guilty.
You need to just feel whatever you do and not feel guilty for it- the funeral will be hard enough without you making yourself feel bad.
I think it takes time for something like that to sink in completely- as Dunc has said the best thing you can do is try make yourself available for your relatives who might need a little support, if you feel able to.
One point about dealing with the funeral- funerals are hard for everyone so if you find it hard to cope with no-one will think badly of you.

Sorry to hear about you loss Civet, sending you positive, coping energy.

Mel

Thank you all for your kind words and your advice. I do need to be reminded sometimes just to let myself go, rather than always analyze my emotions. I suppose this is one of those times. I don't understand why I feel the way I feel, and at times I don't even know how I feel, but I guess I will try to let the feelings pass.

The funeral and wake will be very hard, I think. I do not like to cry in front of people, even my family members. And I also do not like to see other people upset, which I'm sure many people will be.

Some of you have suggested that I offer support to my family members. How do I do that? I'm not sure I can really reach out to anyone right now, I am feeling a great impulse to withdraw into myself. I am the type of person that usually deals with negative emotion alone, or with only one other person present. But I also do not want to seem selfish or mean to the rest of my family, especially when they are also hurting.

Hi Civet,
if you feel like you need to withdraw then that's what you should do- we all deal with death in different ways. Dunc's situation was probably different to yours- he was able to offer practical help like driving his Grandma to places and getting shopping for her. I remember now that you don't drive so this wouldn't be practical advice for you.

You need to be gentle with youself over the next few days and just allow yourself to feel what ever you do feel without wondering how you should be feeling- there is not right way to feel in this kind of situation.

If you feel up to it you can offer support by simply listening to any family members who might need to talk. But don't feel bad if you're not up to this- you are grieving too and no-one will think badly of you.

If you need to talk let me know- I know this time can't be easier for you.

Mel

Thank you again, Melvis. Yes, the situation is different for me. I am at school right now, in Rhode Island, and my extended family all lives in Connecticut. My parents and my brothers live in New Hampshire. So I will only be seeing them all for a today and tommorrow, and then I am coming back to school, where I will unfortunately have to deal with going to class and making up missed classes. So I will not really be able to offer much to my family, other than during the next two days. I am only really close to one of my cousins, so it feels a bit awkward, having to do this. I also am younger than a lot of my family, I am sort of in the middle, since we have a lot of adults in their late 20's- 40's (my father has a lot of sisters), and a lot of children who are a few years younger than me, or are very small. I feel a bit removed from the situation, and from my family, but I am still upset over this.

I suppose stlf was a bit right when he said I should not feel that it's wrong for me to feel so upset, because I do feel a bit that way, since my other family members were closer to my grandfather than I was, and I don't want to be selfish with my suffering. I will try to remember that advice.

Hi Civet, I am sorry for your loss.

Everyone deals with these things differently, and there is no set way that you should be feeling. It's understandable to be sad even if you weren't close, but you don't need to feel sad all of the time.

My great-aunt died last October. She looked after my dad when he was a kid, so she was a bit like a grandmother to me. At her funeral we talked about our memories of her. No one cried, actually we laughed and smiled most of the time when we heard about things she'd said and done. People often feel a bit better after a funeral, because it is a way of saying goodbye. I hope that it helps you to feel better too.

I am sorry Civet for your loss of a loved one. You will grieve your own unique way. Take care.

My condolences, Civet. I don't think you should feel bad about how you feel. It's honest emotion.

Whatever good or funny things there are, remember those with your relatives who are grieving. My husband's grandmother passed away from Alzheimer's a couple of years ago. We live far away from her, and although we heard numerous stories about how she didn't recognize people anymore, my husband inspired moments of lucidity, and even cunning, in her. When we went to visit her in her retirement home, she'd be in her wheelchair and she'd direct him down one hallway after another. Ultimately, we'd come to a door marked "Exit" and she'd tell him to tell me to go get the car. When my husband gets sad and misses his grandmother, I remind him of those episodes, and he laughs and he thinks that she must be in a happier place, her mind and body free.

I am sorry for your loss, Civet. The only person close to me who has died was my grandad. He had a heart attack. I was only eight, and I had no clue about how to behave. It was really difficult for me to see people around me who were upset. I didn't cry at all, I just felt empty. I felt guilty for a long time that I didn't cry at his funeral.

When you are not thinking about it, don't feel guilty. I'm sure he would have known that you cared, and that is all that matters. Don't worry, not knowing how to act may be more difficult for us Aspies, but when a relative or loved one passes, everyone finds proper behaviour and emotion confusing.

Thank you all for your replies and your advice.

I am doing a bit better now. I still get sad every so often, and am feeling some anxiety, I think, but nothing like I was initially.

I think now I am more worried about my family members who were close to my grandfather. I need to stop that, though, because I am here at school, and there is nothing I can really do for them. I offered my support to them at the wake. Most of them took it better than I thought they would, but I am concerned in particular about one of my aunts, who, even before this, was showing signs of a breakdown. My father thinks she's schizophrenic, but I don't know, since it's rare that schizophrenia will start in middle-aged people (it's more often in the late teens or early twenties that the onset begins). I don't know what to think of that.

I am also a bit stressed and frustrated because, as you all know, I'm going through a bit of a difficult time, and one of my apartment mates is making things less than easy for me. He has anxiety, and he recently started taking some medication for it, which started to help, but is now making him quite sick. I really can't deal with being around him if he is going to be needy right now, which he sort of has been. I feel like I need to be selfish for awhile, and he's not letting me do so. I'm not sure how to tell him to cut it out without making him feel worse than he already is, but I really feel like I need to just be looking out for myself right now, and not other people, as well.

Ah well, I will figure it out. If he continues to irritate me, I'll just tell him that I need some alone time, I suppose. The problem is, I don't want to be alone, I want to be around people who will make me feel better, not worse.

Oh Civet- I wish I could do something to make you feel better. Just remember its not selfish to do whatever you need to help yourself cope with this. Be kind to yourself and if you need to talk you can always IM me.


Mel

Thank you, Melvis.

I'm doing better now, probably also because my apartment mate seems a lot better today. He was being a bit whiney and leeching off of me this morning and since I was fed up with it I just sort of ignored him or gave him curt answers. I think he got the point. Either that, or he just started to feel better. Either way, he's not being as annoying anymore.