'hide Asperger's' and mixed feelings about that.

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I'm not sure if this will make any sense, I just need to write it. I was told the other day that I hide 'it' well. My boss rarely brings up AS. And this time it was unexpected. My meltdowns that I have in front of people are crying spells. I had had one that day and my boss is familiar with them. I teach special education-part time job in the mornings so I know my boss knows what AS is.

Anyway she later told me that I hide it well.

Other things that happened that day are that for some reason the thing I and some of the other employees were supposed to do on the computer didn't work for me. It wouldn't take my password even when someone else typed it in. I know it was right. But it worked for other people.

Earlier that week I had been shoe shopping and was close to throwing them across the store after trying them on for an hour and half. And my toilet had overflowed before work. At least it was before my shower.

Part of me feels that hiding AS is good since if I am acting NT I will have more friends (I think). Part of me feels hiding it is bad. People who use canes for short distances and then get tired easily switch to wheelchairs have understanding from people. But people on the spectrum who can deal with social situations for short times but need breaks and time alone more than NTs are less or not understood. It's like I am thinking that if I didn't hide it, then people would see it and recognize that I have it and am doing my best. But with hiding it, most people have to be told I have it.

Yet both when I am hiding it and when I am not are me and it is not a conscious decision to hide it, but more that I am different in different situations.

Anyway, I know that didn't make sense. But people here are most likely to have an idea what I feel and mean than anyone else.

Thanks for reading this.

Somehow, I think you boss was uncool saying this. You are probably a better than average teacher because you put more energy into it and your boss could have complimented you on that. (When I worked for H&R Block I was a better than average preparer because I put a lot of energy into learning tax regulation, learning the computer system, and disclosing to my clients the risk of third-party bank collections with the loans and bank products. Yes, I really tried and I learned from feedback. I've also been a better than average tutor, better than average cashier, and other jobs. And I think with my up-and-coming tutoring business I will be better than average! Now, one job I was not better than average at was waiting tables, but it's not a life goal, so, so be it.)

And I think you analogy, of a person who can use a cane but gets tired. Yes, I can interact with people, and follow what they are saying, and participate, and allow things to be approximate and nonperfect and feel-and-texture. But it can be just exhausting!

And it's this kind of nickle-and-dime stuff that just drives me crazy![/quote]

I'm not sure how to reply to this part. I am bad with idioms and had to look it up. One meaning was that it was unimportant and my reply to that would be that I have a right to say anything I want to when venting, as do you.

The other, if I understood right, meant to accumulate and my reply to that is that at least I am reminded that things accumulate for other people too.

I don't think I am a better than average teacher, especially when I cry so easily even if it is in front of people.

But thank you for taking the time to reply. I don't know you well enough to know which meaning of the idiom you meant.

I'm pretty sure AardvarkGoodSwimmer meant the second one, as in little things add up to make a day stressful overall.

That's what I do mean, that I personally can often handle the seemingly 'big' problems easier than 'little' ones. I don't know why that is, but it does seem to be true about myself.

I've found that hiding it too well creates it's own problems. So many times I've pulled off such a convincing 'normalcy act' that I got into situations that were way over my head and left myself without a graceful way out - meltdown, or as on my last job complete mental and physical breakdown.

You're very fortunate to be in a work environment where you can be yourself at least some of the time.

One time I worked in Chihuahua, Mexico with these two Mexican guys who were happy I was there so they could practice their English. These guys spoke PERFECT English, much better than my sloppy native-speaker version. When I told this to one of them he said, 'The biggest problem I have is with idiom'. I was stumped. I had no idea what idiom meant! FYI this paragraph has nothing to do with anything, just a memory triggered by seeing that word