My daughter's doc says SHE needs more socilization...help

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hello. I'm a non DX aspie . I have a 4 year old who I strongly suspect has aspergers too. Because of her age, her doctors are reluctant to give her the official diagnoses. Her doctor says that she needs more opportunity to try to develop friendships. She loves to play with other kids. Problem is other kids dont quite get her. It hasnt gone real well on playgrounds, soccer, ect. It is heart breaking to watch because she so badly wants to have a friend. I'm so scared for her because I can remember going through that myself as a child. I now have resigned to a life without a friend or acquaintances. I do it to keep myself in somewhat of a comfort zone. But it is very lonely as I'm sure some others here know.

She is very talkative about HER interests, Cats the Musical and clothes. Other 4 year olds just dont seem to care much about those things. Adults LOVE her because she is cute and so animated for a while, then she begins to get super annoying. She doesn't know when to stop.

This is like the blind leading the blind.

How do I set up an environment/situation for her to make a good friend or two? I am NOT social at all, but I'm willing to go way out of my comfort zone to meet her needs. Its difficult for me to even post something on a forum. Any advice? I dont want her to turn out like me. I hope I made sense. I hate making myself so vulnerable.

One thing I wish my own mother did more of was really being selective about who I played with. Her solution was to indiscriminately put me in activities and hope for the best. The problem was, I had no interest in soccer, ballet, basketball...you name it she tried it. If your daughter is into Cats the musical, then maybe you should try to get her into a children's theater? Try not to enroll her in activities that she doesn't express an interest in. Socially speaking, that will only make it worse for her.

I also know of some educational programs that cater to younger kids. Google kindermusik. I'm familiar with those classes, and they would be a great source of mediated interaction. She'll be around other kids her age, but the parents will all be there to make sure everyone gets to participate. In addition, gently coach her into learning when enough is enough. I personally never had that problem, because I had a case of selective mutism when I was a kid.

In general, just keep the social interactions structured and mediated by the adults. I always interacted the best when I had a common, concrete, tangible goal or activity such as a board game. I always felt more at ease when adults were around because I didn't always know what I was supposed to do with other kids. Believe me, that ineptitude earned me two years of preschool.

You might need to find a new doctor that will help her get services to work on her people skills and any other problem areas. She's not realistically going to figure out social settings by herself like her doctor wants her to do.

I'd ask the doctor for a referral to a child psychiatrist so more testing can be done. The pediatricians know they are not a one-stop-shop and that there are specialists for a reason. Your daughter needs someone who can really observe her and find out what's going on. Also start digging into the Center for Autism & Related Disorders [CARD]: http://www.centerforautism.com

Plus, please keep in mind that I don't know any four year olds who make BFFs. It's a touch & go age and relationships are built on fleeting interests and momentary distractions. You've said you had her in soccer and, well, did you see how those soccer games are played? Not really anything more than a bunch of kids kicking the ball around, is it? You just can't structure much or expect a lot at 4 years old.

When she begins Kindergarten, there will be constant interaction with the same small group of students in her classroom. She will be in a structured environment and there will be scheduled socialization time. Common interests will be brought forward and if the teacher is worth her salt, your daughter will be made to feel equally important as all the other children in the classroom. She will have a voice. This is why we all love Kindergarten and then resent First Grade. So, Aspergers or not, she may be able to socialize and make friends better than she's doing now at 4.

So, you can start digging into resources and having a specialist do their thing right now or you can hold off a bit to see what Kindergarten does for her at 5 years old.

Something that I can tell you is that my son exhibited symptomatic behavior in Kindergarten and the pediatrician told me that we'd wait to see if he "grew out" of the behavior. Fast forward to Fifth Grade when I have two school psychologists in utter disbelief that this child has been undiagnosed for so long!

thanks for all the reponses.

rabidmonkey. I do have her enrolled in a few classes in things she is interested in. She is in a theater class which she loves and a science museum class which she enjoys. I don't make her go to these at all. I'd be fine if she were with me all the time. She LOVES going. Just no friendships that have formed there. I have heard of Kindermusik and that might be a good option for her this summer.

Really good advise about keeping things structured for her. I forget that I need that myself in order to be comfortable.

Wefunction, thank you for the link. I'll go exporing there tonight to see what I can find. She has been seen by a developmental ped who is the one that said she was too young for a dx. It took me 8 months on a waiting list to get in to see him. Perhaps a psychiatrist is more the way to go. I'll look in to it. I just dont know if I can afford it. Single mom with very limited funds.

I have no intention on waiting and seeing how things go. I want her to get the help she needs now.

John browning is there a special kind of therapy or specialist who I could be looking for who offer help in socializing?

Thanks for the help everyone.

She likes musicals and clothes. She also likes to be around others her age, though she needs some structure. How about putting her into a drama club for preschoolers?

Speaking not as a parent, but as an adult who has lived with ASD, I'll give you the best advice I can, and that is,,,

be VERY wary of the insistence by anyone that she needs to socialize more, or who say that "she has to make friends." People with ASD are in a completely different world than those without it, and people who are not on the spectrum simply cannot understand or identify with this world. Efforts by individuals with ASD-- whether they are very young children or adults-- to make friends where it isn't happening naturally, end in tragedy more often than not. (The word "tragedy" is not an overdramatization and I use it unrepentantly.)

I authored a thread a while back explaining that had I been encouraged to engage in my special interests as opposed to striving toward making "friends" who will eventually hurt me, whether because they are not nice people or because they just don't understand me and don't know how to deal with my overwhelming intensity and social awkwardness, and unintentionally push me away at some point, I could have avoided a lot of emotional pain in my life-- sometimes agonizing emotional pain which has led to many instances of self-harm as an adolescent and adult.

Don't misunderstand-- ASD children NEED to learn social skills in order to function in school and at a job. But so far as trying to form relationships that just can't work, that's another story. And people, NT and AS, can come along who will become our lasting friends... certainly there are many on this forum who will attest to that... it just doesn't happen very often, and the person with ASD needs to understand from an early age that it might not happen.

Many children (and adults) with ASD very badly do want to make friends, and if your child fits into this category I would recommend involvement in a local support center for autism. The chances are better there that she can meet someone who she can relate to.

I give this advice not as a professional, but as a person with the condition, but I imagine that as a source, I would be potentially more valuable.

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At the age of four I know I didn't have any relationships that my parents hadn't started for me. For example, my best friend was the son of my Mother's best friend and the other children I was friends with were all at my preschool (I started preschool at 2 because my parents were very good friends with the teacher. It was a private school.) but I only played with them outside of school when their parents set it up with my parents or my parents set it up with their parents. Have you tried setting up one on one playdates for her with other parents and their children/child?

Once she's established that bond with another kid then if you meet that family other places such as the playground the other children who didn't want to play with her before will be more likely to since she already has one established relationship to "normalize" her. Plus you might become friends with the parents as well. My Mother and Father made a ton of friends and acquaintances through me.