Please help...I don't know what I did wrong...

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I’m sorry that this is long, but I really need advice. A friendship of mine recently just went very sour, and I have no idea what I did wrong. I have a really hard time making and maintaining friends so whenever I lose one it’s really hard for me to deal with.

Last June this older woman was hired to work in our office. We never really talked much until one day when she finds out that I struggle very badly with depression. She told me that if I ever needed someone to talk to I could always go to her. So I took her up on the offer and began talking to her about things. She was always very understanding and accepting. She never judged me when most people have in the past. I just felt really comfortable around her. I didn’t have any problem making eye contact with her, which is unusual. Actually sometimes I was afraid that I was giving her too much eye contact. She knew I had problems being social, and she was supportive and tried to help me. I grew very attached to her, and after a couple of months, we developed a fairly strong friendship.

About three months into the friendship, I started noticing that things were a bit off. I noticed that she added everyone from work on facebook except me. I asked her about it and she just kind of played dumb and said she would friend me that night. She never did, so I added her and she rejected me. Also I noticed that she talked to a lot of people outside of work but was really hesitant about giving me her contact information. But we still continued to talk at work a lot, and she seemed to really care about our friendship so I didn’t worry about it too much. In December, I was moved to the other side of the building so I wouldn’t see her as often, but she assured me that we would still see each other.

Things pretty much stayed the same and then Christmas comes around. I find out that a bunch of people were planning on going to the bar after the Christmas luncheon, so I thought I would ask her if she was going. I figured she wouldn’t want to go with me since she always seemed apprehensive about hanging out with me, but she actually surprised me and asked me to go with her first. During that week we talked about how excited we were to hang out together. Then my guy friend finds out that I’m going (I’m close friends with two guys at work) so I felt like I had to invite him even though I just wanted to spend time with her. The bar ends up being a disaster. We got there and she went out of her way to ignore me the entire time so I left early. Then I found out she got really upset that I left even though she treated me like crap. Apparently she felt like she couldn’t hang out with me when my guy friend was there. Things were tense between us, and we never really talked about what happened. Then it was her birthday so I got her a card and brought her in coffee and that seemed to fix whatever happened between us.

And then the games started. A couple of weeks later I noticed that she was being even more distant towards me. She was always too busy to talk to me, but I would see her around with other people. I took that as a hint that maybe I was bothering her too much so I backed off. Then she just started randomly showing up around my desk all the time, and she seemed really upset that I wasn’t visiting her anymore. I felt bad so I started talking to her again, and she seemed very happy when I did. We kept on going hot and cold like this for a while, but we never really talked about it. I started asking her very politely through email if I did something wrong, but she would never respond. (I only asked like twice. I wasn’t constantly bugging her about it.) Finally, two weeks ago, I decided that the games were getting to be way too much for me so I went up to her in person and asked if I could talk to her sometime that week. She freaked out and asked me if I was okay. I told her I was, and she kept on asking me if I was sure. Then finally she told me she was busy that day but she would talk to me later. She completely avoided me for the rest of the week.

That weekend we were both at a co-worker’s birthday party. We awkwardly avoided each other but somehow ended up sitting at the same table. The entire time we were trying not to look at each other. After a couple of drinks I got tired of the awkwardness between us so I decided to text her. She never gave me her number, but I do a lot of maintenance on the computer system at work so I’ve seen her information a lot. I ended up memorizing her number, not to be creepy, but just because I thought it might be a good idea to have her number incase I ever needed it. I never went out of my way to look up anything about her. I had no ill intentions, and I figured I knew her well enough that she wouldn’t care. So I texted her asking her what’s going on. She seemed very light spirited about the person texting her and played along until she figured out that it might be me. She stopped checking her phone and seemed upset at that point. After I left I sent her one last text saying that I really liked being her friend but I didn’t understand why she was so distant around me. She never responded. Monday at work she sent me an email saying that my texts and emails made her uncomfortable, and now she just wants to keep it at a working relationship. She was furious that I had her number and insisted that I tell her how I got it because she *specifically* didn’t give me her number.

Ever since that weekend she’s been treating me like I’m some kind of monster or predator. I respected her wishes and left her alone, but whenever she passes me in the hallway she puts her head down and walks really fast. She avoids going to my side of the building, and I feel really uncomfortable being around her area. It’s extremely hurtful how she’s been treating me because I don’t feel I did anything wrong. She was my only female friend, so her friendship really meant a lot to me. It’s really hard not being her friend anymore, but she doesn’t seem to care, which hurts even more. I was just trying to fix things and she totally freaked out. I really don’t think I said anything to her that would have made her not like me anymore. Even though I don’t have many friends, I am still well-liked at work so there wouldn’t be any issues with being seen around peers. I just don’t understand what I’ve been doing wrong. Please help…

A see a few things that might help

1) The first area was that she liked you to a point but that you were not high enough to be on her list. She also might have been trying to be a casual friend rather than a close one who is truly interested in reciprocating with you by giving you some advice that she knew.

2) At the Christmas Party, it sounds like she got the wrong signal that you were more interested in associating your other friend and not her since, "Two's company, three's a crowd." However, she also sounds like she was giving you mixed signals leading you around.

3) The third is that you had made every effort to reach out to her but she was pushing you away when asking her if you did anything wrong rather than communicate.

4) It also sounds like she she got angry because you got a hold of her phone number without her permission and so the felt violated. When getting a number, always ask the other person's permission first before calling or texting.

5) It also sounds like she really didn't understand your situation as much as you may have thought.

I was in a similar situation with a girl where I work rather recently and so I have decided not to make friends at work anymore and locate some clubs, and other social gatherings outside of work.

It's hard to get the whole picture from one perspective, especially in threads such as this. If it were me, though, I'd openly tell her that I was confused about the relationship, and that it won't be a problem anymore.

Also, selectively contacting someone with AS and not telling them about (or pretending you're not) it is a bad idea. It's like NTs put us in strange situations like that to find out whether or not we are strange. Pretending to be a friend is not cool - at least you know what enemies intend.

Call me light,

Apera is right in that the perspective does not tell the whole picture. For NTs, body language is soooooo influential. It's unfair, but that is the way they function. We cannot get all the information from your verbal account, but we still want to help.

Your co-worker may consider herself an amateur "fixer". Some fixers figure "Oh they're smiling now, they can't be depressed anymore"......."mission complete". We know it isn't like that with depression, but..... they think they're doing good in the world.

Taking her number was definitely an issue. I was once accused of being a facebook stalker because I asked one of my facebook friends about an interest that they had LISTED on their account. They switched me to limited profile until I pleaded my case.

If she associates with you at work but doesn't do the little things, like add you as a facebook friend, or show a fairly consistently pleasant behaviour towards you, then you can consider her an associate and not a friend.

If I meet someone, and they seem to be on and off in their dealings with me, I may play the "I have bad body language" card. Then you don't have to come out and say "I have Aspergers" or Autism. It may make them much less dependant on your non-verbal cues. I find it has helped. I once called a girl "lazy" at work, (I had been working with her for at least a year by that point) and she was extremely angry and offended. I had made the comment with an absolutely dead-pan expression. I had to go to her afterwards and tell her I had bad body language, that I was kidding and that it is not in my nature to say mean things.

The decision to play that card is really at your discretion though.

SA.