Having positive friends.....

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I have been thinking about it, and I really need new friends. I need to meet positive people, because that is what I want to be.

A few of my "close friends" aren't really that respectful of me. I mean there are worse and more un-compatible people I could be hanging around, but to be honest they are just kind of toxic. I don't need that. The main inspiration/suffocation of their life seems to be smoking weed. I smoke a little bit, but it seems that that is their main hobby. All the time whenever they hang out all they do is smoke up.

Yeah I get along with them individually, but when we all hang out its obvious that their attitudes towards me changes. They start almost treating me inferior. But f**k them. They are clowns. Losers. What is so great about there lives? Are they in school do they have jobs? No. I live away from home and I work to support myself. Yeah maybe they had relatively normal growing up experiences(whether they actually think so or not), had regular high school experiences, and I have always been quiet and distant my whole life and had a rough depressed childhood, and about the farthest from a relatively normal HS experience, but at least my mission every day isnt to get high

In 5 years 10 yeas where are they going to be? I honestly can't see anything productive. And I am moving in the same direction.......thats not what I want

Yeah Iv smoked and drank with them, cracked jokes, gambled with them, and I consider myself to be very loyal(a few of them I have known throughout college), but in the true sense of the word "friend" I don't think they are that. I thought that they understood me, but I don't think they really do.

I think a "friend" is someone who understands you and helps you grow in a positive way. Even though Iv had some fun times, they aren't that. Do I actually really respect them? No, not really when I actually think about it. So now If I respect myself, then I cant consider them friends anymore.

I always thought dont judge your friends, accept them for who they are, but apparently they have been judging me, and almost team up against me treating me as some novelty, so f**k them. I dont care if they miss me or not. A couple cities separate us, so I am not going over there anymore.

They aren't bad people. They are pretty much harmless. But clowns? Yes. The kind of people I really need in my life? No. I need to fade away and keep meeting people and start actually living my life. I don't feel like hanging around people like this leaves me any room to grow.

Good for you. You have to stop engaging with what isn't working for you. I hope you find some good friends.

Kind of like the saying "you can't fly with the eagles if all your friends are chickens"

I suppose.....im not trying to say im so much better than them, but they are toxic and I don't need that in my life. They are kinda losers and i feel like Im wasting my time. I could feel awful by myself in the comfort of my apartment. I dont need to hang out with friends to do that.

Don't I deserve to have meaningful relationships where I can express myself? Its not happening if I hang around the same people.

I dont even see them that often, its just so frustrating because I thought we were better friends than that,

I feel like I have zero polarity in my life. Social or otherwise. Every area of my life is just "distant". Nothing really feels real. Im just kind of a messed up person, and I need a way to get my feelings off my chest. But they really aren't those people. They were really disrespectful to me last time I went to visit.