I think my marriage might be coming to an end.

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I was diagnosed Aspie a month ago, although I've known something was wrong with me ever since I can remember. My son is also Aspie, and together we've put one hell of a strain on my marriage. Finding out what was wrong with me took a weight off of my shoulders, and I let my guard down and stopped play-acting the normal me for a bit (it's bloody exhausting to do, and I just don't feel like I have any energy left for it.) Since then my wife has been feeling the brunt of it, and as far as I can tell is pissed at me for making her life even harder. I don't know - I'm not exactly the best at reading emotions, you know. She is definitely angry though, and blames me for feeling even more of a shut-in than she used to. She's pointed out to me that since I got my diagnosis I've got worse. It's not getting worse, it's just taking a break from play-acting the person that everyone wants or expects me to be.

I don't know what to do. I'm never going to change - I've been this person for forty years and I'm so very, very tired of being him. There's no joy in my life any more, and I just don't think I have it in me to go back to being someone I'm not. One day she's finally going to have had enough, and she'll divorce me I'm sure. I don't even know if she truly loves me any more. We've not really had any kind of an intimate marriage for over a year now.

I'm so f****d. I just don't know where to go, or what to do any more. I just want to lay down, go to sleep and just never wake up.

Well, I'm no marriage counselor, especially not for neurodiverse couples, but here's my two cents, summed up in one word: communication. I know, that's totally cliche and all, but it's really true. Both of you being honest and open with each other about your views, expectations, emotions and actions is the only thing that's going to walk you through this successfully, assuming both of you want to resolve this recently-identified dilemma peacefully and positively (as in, without yelling and screaming and divorce papers, for example).

Find a time and place where the two of you can sit down together and clearly lay out your expectations and views with each other, and go from there, working towards a plan or solution you can both agree on, even if that does end up being divorce, in the end.

I'd say more, but that's about all the advice I feel qualified to give, not having been through that particular experience yet, if ever. I have, however been though a somewhat similar series of trials over the past several years with my parents, though, as we learn to work together to improve our relationship, rather than being dogmatic about it and arguing over every little short-coming each one of us has, despite my AS, my mom's ADD and my dad's neurotypicality.

We have a number of similarities.

I realised I eas Aspie seven months ago (undiagnosed). My wife had suspected for a while. We have a 10 year old Aspie Daughter.

I thought that knowing and understanding that it was me that had the problem would help our relationship and allow us to work together to overcome the issues in our marriage. However, my wife has taken things badly, is very negative and now says that, before we knew, she had hope but now she knows that I will never change. She is building higher walls between us and we are now living very separate and stressful lives.

For the first time in my life I have sought the help of a therapist. I would hope that my wife will also get involved but, at present, she is reluctant to do so.

I have always strived to do the right things for my family to promote a happy, caring environment. It has been a shock that I have actually been destroying my wife for years. I never knew. If you want a shock, look up the website for "Living With a Husband with Asperger’s Syndrome". The input from, mainly Cristian women (I have no religion myself) , is heart wrenching stuff so Keep a hanky at hand.

If you are anything like me, I know that you will have always acted in the way you believed to be in the best interest of your family. Like you, I'm no good at play acting, so I have just behaved like me and done very much what it says on the tin. Outside my marriage, in the right circumstances, I can often pass for a good imitation for an NT. I suppose I will just never know how to express the love that I have for my wife in a way that is meaningful for her or in a way that she understands.

My wife is taking things into her own hands and separating herself from my life as much as she can. I have never stopped her from doing the things that she enjoys. She just has allowed herself to become a shut-in, i suppose because it was easy for her, and has become resentful of me because of it. Good luck. I hope you have more success than I am having at the moment. The distance that my wife is putting between us may not be a temporary measure. I would hope that as we develop our separate interests we can also build some common interests together. We used to have some but that was a long time ago.

You are not alone and neither is your wife.

Best wishes

But I don't understand just what it is your wife is angry about. A person can be genuinely angry about something specific. Otherwise apparent anger could be a ploy to make a stink and thus press some other issue like if she's not attracted to you or you don't make enough money, or to make you "the bad guy" if she's planning to end the relationship.

Let's assume it's genuine anger about something specific. What could it be? Have you asked her? It seems hypocritical for her to criticize you for being a "shut in" if she was one herself to some degree. In any case, not being overly social with other people shouldn't have any bearing on things between you and her, so one wonders why this would even be relevant.

I think she loves the man she knew for all these years since she has known you. But then after the diagnoses, you've decided to be your real self and drop the act and she doesn't like the real you and only likes the fake you.

Are you sure you are being your real self or are you just being what the diagnostic criteria epitomizes?

You may very well be experiencing what is a rather common psychosomatic reaction to being diagnosed with something.

I realized years ago, that to obtain the things I wanted in life, I would have to make an effort to act more "normal". I never saw it as not being myself. Rather, I was just conforming to what I realized were necessary social norms and modes of communication. For example, if I go to live in Saudi Arabia, I would dress as expected of me, speak Arabic, and conform to local etiquette but I would still be myself.

What I refuse to conform to though is people's expectations of how they think I should be as a person with AS.

I can't speak for Lankybrit or his wife. However, I have had several months to analyse my own similar situation. My wife is very angry at me; livid in fact. Lankybrits wife probably knows the real him and his alter ego better than anybody.

My wife cannot describe any single thing that makes her so angry. Like all people, I am not perfect and I have personal annoyances that irritate my wife, as she does me. I know of no couple that is free from this as we are all individuals with our differences. The main reason my wife is angry at be if for what I cannot provide; an empathetic responce to her emotions. As the old addage goes. If I really loved her, I would know what she wants. Being AS makes this impossible. I will never understand what it is that she needs from me at any given instant, unless of course she tells me and that would defeat the object.

The being shut-in thing is, in my experience, a bit of a red herring as far as AS goes. It is not impossible to understand that we have different needs and to be understanding enough to support each other in realising these needs. My wife has resisted doing things for herself, because I had no personal interest and, frankly, she could not be bothered to make the effort. Now that I understand the importance of her interests to her, I can go the extra mile to support her in whatever she wants to do. She will have to be honest with me by telling me what she wants to do. If she wants to do something without me then so be it. If I can join in. I will do my best to show an interest.

I doubt if this will be enough to keep my wife though. She really does need to feel loved through an empathetic responce. I do not have the ability to be able to provide this. I dearly wish I had.

I wonder if this all comes down to a common misconception about relationships that some people believe. There are many women who assume that they can change a man into the man they want and this is regardless of neurology.

This misconception is very damaging to relationships because it means that instead of saying to the other person "It's not working as it is" they will keep on using various methods to 'train' their partner. I haven't talked to guys about this but I've talked to a lot of female peers and relatives about it, most of them talked about various methods to 'train' their partners. 'Training' can vary from with-holding sex to being verbally abusive. I think that NT guys pick up on this before it gets bad and so seem 'trained' and perpetuate a nasty idea.

As Zokk said, communication is key. A thing to consider though, most people aren't taught how to communicate properly and so it makes genuine communication hard because you can only know if you are being genuine. Even with the correct skills I've found it can be hard.

Some general tips: Using 'I' language about your own feelings (example: I feel __________ when this happens). Avoiding 'you' language (example: You are ______ . or You always ________) because 'you' language sounds like accusations and shut down communication. Also, trying to be calm and trying to talk about serious issues in a calm environment (and not just after a nasty argument).

If you would be able to say to your wife something like "Honey, I'd really like guidence on how to be the best husband I can be for you.", letting her know that you really want to try but you don't have the first clue. Also, that you can only do your best. (This is only if you view that the relationship is salvageable.)

Good luck.

I don't know how much advice I can give, but I can let you know you aren't alone. A few yrs ago we learned 2 of our 4 children are aspies, as am I, their mother. Of course when I was growing up there wasn't a such thing. I didn't fit into any category. I too, had hoped learning about what makes me and my kids tic differently than my recently ex-husband and our other 2 children would help. I bought all the books, I did all the "right" things, in the end, it didn't work. He wasn't open and hones with me about his needs then angry with me when they weren't met or when he was burnt out with family responsibilities he never spoke up and asked for help with. I am no mid reader, if I am going to have to guess what someone is going through, I'm going to miss. I would have to base it on what I might feel, which seems to be unusual. We were divorced last week. This certianly wasn't our only issue, yet I know it caused a lot of burden and strain on the marriage.
As far as the children, I generally loved the quirks and oddities of our two aspies, encouraged them in their special interest, and only guided them to more "acceptable" behavior when it was infringing on someone else or limiting them in some way. I don't know if he thought that wasn't enough or what b/c he just didn't open up and tell me the whole truth. He'd rather keep it inside and seeth than deal with me, I think. I must have everything spelled out in no uncertian terms and he seemed to find that exhausting or maybe implied I might be stupid, I should "just know" Yeah, never gonna happen, not a mind reader.

Well, I hope for you there is still a chance to seek help or save your marriage, keep your family intact. With all the differences and lack of honesty I couldn't. At least you know you aren't alone.

Who's to say how he's acting now is the real him? He's only been acting like this for a few weeks vs. many years.

The original poster didn't give any indication that she went into the relationship trying to change him. Rather his behavior has changed as a result of the diagnosis and it's that change she has had a problem with.

Having a diagnosis of AS is not a license to disregard the feelings and needs of others and do whatever you want and that might be what he is doing because the diagnosis has given him a sense of entitlement to it.

Chronos, I never said that AS gives a person a right to act in a bad manner. I also didn't say that the OP said his wife was trying to change him. Please read it again.

Also, I always do my best in regard to other peoples needs. I would never suggest that it would be ok to act otherwise, I also don't see where I may have indicated this and would appreciate knowing where you picked up that impression so I can correctly communicate similar points in future.

I only go by what he said about himself. It sounded like he decided to be him real self after he got diagnosed so he thought he can quit acting now that he knows what is wrong with him now. He did say it was exhausting.

Ah I see. That is not the impression I got from the OP. But I agree with you if that is what he is doing.

I really feel for you OhNowIGetIt (Great nickname, just about sums it up for me too). I'm still in the doing the right things mode and failing. This is the first time I have come accross this issue in this way from a female. It seems even harder some how. I can't understand the resistance by my wife to dealling with this. We now know I'm defective and what it is that makes me different. Neither I nor my wife are stupid. I can't see what can be so awful in working around these issues using open honest communication. But then, I'm not NT so I dont understand the important bit that will never be said using words.

It really is difficult and tiring, working at doing the right thing in a vacuum of knowledge.

I wish you success in your new life.

Thanks for the kind wishes, previous poster, already forgot your name, sorry.

I thought the OP could use some support in knowing he isn't the only one. NT is NT and Aspie is... NOT. ha ha ha. I really thought this would be so much easier to work around once we knew what we were dealing with in terms of AS, how brian wiring differs, ect. The truth reamains, if one party is unwiling/ unable to state open and honestly then there isn't much hope. Also, acceptace of that newfound truth and love despite these qualities. I don't see myself as defective or disabeled, just differently-abeled. I am smart (tho my spellin might not show it haw haw) loving, capable human being. Sometimes the stess of aspie kids w. aspie parent is just too much for the NT partner to handle, they must come to terms with this and realize that the person themselves will never change no matter how many learned behaviors they (we) aquire.

Love accepts, trusts the best in someone, hopes good things, prevails against odds. If it can't overcome differing brain wiring.... it may not be the deepest kind of love that can stand the test of time.

OP, I hope there is something you can do to get your SO to communicate with you what can be done to bring solutions. It is a great thing for a child to grow up in a two parent, in tact home. The situation of divorce for the children is devistating.