Why? Warning, a bit long....

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I'm 40 and work in an office - the only place I have really met people in the area I have lived in the last 5 years. I used to work with two women, 28 and 30yo, and I thought we were friends. At least decent work friends. They were both friends outside of work before I met either of them. I met the 30yo first when she was hired to replace me after I was promoted. I thought she was a bit flaky sometimes but overall a good person. The 28 yo and me were not as close but still got along well. A couple years later I was transferred to another office (same employer). I kept in touch with both, as they did with me, but neither of them were speaking to one another at the time. They were holding grudges about weddings, having kids, etc.....none of which gets me upset but I would listen to each of them vent about the other. It got old fast, I encouraged both of them to work it out, or not, with the other. I never engaged in the gossip myself and wouldn't speak badly of the one not there. They eventually seemed to come back around to one another and I never gave it much thought; until now as neither one of them will speak to me and I have no idea why. I emailed the one I had felt closer to, no reply. A few weeks later sent a text to the other. She replied but it seemed on the abrupt side for her, she is normally VERY talkative, even in texts. It's been about a month since that text, no further attempts on anyone's part to communicate.

Is this some sort of middle school game where we freeze the odd man out? I was friends, or whatever I should call it now, prior to their falling out with each other. So it wouldn't have occurred to me that either of them were using me during their spat. Maybe they were. Is a possible explanation that I no longer work in the same office and therefore not considered worth paying attention to? I have thought this through so many times I no longer know what to think....but it sucks seemingly having two "friends" dump me around the same time. I am particularly bothered by losing the friendship with the 30yo.

I had not seen or talked to either of them in at least a few months when I decided to break out of my normal routine and initiate contact, both attempts I consider colossal failures. My social anxiety is now through the roof and I won't initiate personal contact with anyone female, and I do mean anyone. And now....not even my husband, so my anxiety has moved on to both genders. He's probably on the spectrum himself and he doesn't consider social communication very important. We email/text throughout the day, some days, but he has to initiate it any more because I won't after what happened with these coworkers.

Is there some social nuance Ive missed with these two? As in, move to a different office, time to fade away? I moved all of about 5 miles so I know it's not lack of interest due to distance. And no, I won't be asking them why because I despise any kind of awkward confrontation.

Maybe I should just come to terms with the fact I must be a social idiot, and remember the next time I think Ive made a friend.....and then step back and step away, and forget about it. Seems easier than going through this.

Can anyone here relate?

So I don't have a complete picture, but you may wish to consider that the both of them are themselves behaving in a manner inconsistent with being friendly and mature.

More generally, there could be many explanations. Keeping your mind open to the idea that it may be something you did shows restraint and maturity, and you should not feel any shame or reluctance in this. But it's not necessary to presume that the situation is most likely your doing.

If your work requires you to maintain incidental contact with one or both of them, there are ways to interact with them professionally yet keep them at some distance otherwise.

Thanks for replying. Logically I agree with what you said about not presuming it was something I did. Past experience with female friends makes me automatically "go there" and always assume I was the one who did something wrong. If only one of them was not communicating with me, I might be more apt to believe it might be about something other than me. But the situation as-is seems a little fishy.

Luckily my work does not require any professional contact with them. For that I am relieved. I would just like to forget about the both of them but I have a strong tendency to obsess and thats exactly whats been going on. I shouldn't feel bothered by this but I am.

I remember having had a similar thing happen to me with one of my Middle School friends. I was good friends with this girl, we sat together in class and at lunch, got together on weekends, etc. Then when each of us had to attend a different High School, little by little the friendship was lost and we no longer kept in touch.

I think it just happens sometimes. I would guess that your former coworkers still like you as a person, but now that you no longer see each other in person on a regular basis, they have let the friendship go. And since they have now become friends again, they have each other.


I'm really sorry this happened to you. I hope you're able to find some new friends soon at your new office.

When I went into middle school I stayed friends with those I knew in elementary, but as they all slowly became friends with the new kids they met they slowly became less interested in there old friends, but we never blew each other off completely, we would still talk.

What they did was wrong and you should confront them.