Learning to tell White Lies

Post Reply New Topic

This doesn't come naturally to me, but it's a social skill that I'm trying to learn these days: keeping my thoughts to myself, choosing my battles, and having pleasant interactions rather than honest ones.

It's hard though – pretending to agree with someone when really I don't. Especially when there are consequences involved, and the person will end up making bad decisions, and creating unpleasantness for themselves and others, because I chose not to be the naysayer.

I've tried honesty, but some people are so convinced they're right, nothing you can say will make a difference. So I just have to let them make their own choices in life, and I will make mine.

I don't really think you need to tell a lie. If it is regarding giving someone advice on life choices, maybe the best thing to do be presenting them with pros and cons of each of the choices they might be making. If your friend wants to go out drinking with a girl they like for instance you could say that it is good that you get to spend time with this nice girl but just remember you dont want to go to work hungover or something like that. If it is about a political issues you could just say something like "you make a good argument, but I can identify with the other side of the issue too"

Those are good points, and I agree with the examples you gave. I know my original post was vague, but basically I live with people who are extremely opinionated, and insist on forcing their opinions on everyone else – at every possible opportunity – and I'm just tired of arguing with them. So I smile and nod and just let them say whatever they want to say.

It's not my way to be dishonest and pretend to agree when really I don't. In general I would follow your advice above. But with certain people... Yes, I'm learning to choose my battles, and avoid getting sucked into an argument that I never wanted to be part of

Ashariel, I think you're wise to be unengaged with such people. That's not really telling a white lie. Refusing to argue is always a valid choice and does not really imply anything.

A white lie is something you say to not hurt someone's feelings or to protect someone from another person or situation.

Ah, I guess I was confused about what a white lie is. Sorry this whole post was probably pretty pointless, but basically I just feel uncomfortable when I'm forced to say the opposite of what I really think, because it's socially expected.

Also, I feel like the lies I tell are more like 'grey lies'... Yes, it seems pleasant in the moment, and I'm telling the person what they want to hear, but in the long run I might be doing them a disservice by not telling them the truth. It's a difficult judgment call, and sometimes I question whether I've made the right choice!

If you disagree or wish to be out of a situation just say so or say nothing. If I disagree badly with someone I want around I just say nothing at all.

I understand what you are saying. I wouldn't call it "white lying".

I'd say a white lie was like if someone says, "does my bum look big in this?" and you are meant to say no even if they look like an elephant wearing trousers. That is a white lie.

But learning to choose your battles is just a life skill, I would say. I used to jump in and disagree with what people said when I disagreed or could prove they are wrong. However, as I got older I learned that most things people say don't really matter and it doesn't matter if they are right or wrong, usually they are just making conversation or filling a silence or just want to tell somoene what they think

I've also realized that often matters are simply down to people being individuals and everyone has a different way of viewing things. Sometimes no on is right or wrong, they just have different ideas. Respecting people and listening to their ideas often greases the wheel of social interaction.

I think this is something that alot of aspies have problems with. It has to do with theory of mind. They don't realize that they aren't right all the time and don't have to correct people all of the time. Then they can't understand why no one likes them. It's not because they are being bearers of oh so glorious truth and dazzling facts. It is because they are coming over as obnoxious and treating people like they are ignorant idiots who don't know anything and who are not allowed to form their own opions on what they see and experience.

My family have a hard time with this and have drifted apart because no one is ever willing to compromize on their opinions. Everything seems to lead to an argument and I am tired of always having to be ready to defend my corner. I can't be bothered with it anymore.

There are times that you will need to take a stand and it will be important to disagree or defend your perspective or defend someone else. It's better to save your energy for the important things than to spend your life in constant conflict.

I developed the skill of lying. Good lies require planning and thought. Being polite often requires adapting to the situation and doesn't allow much delay for tailoring our responses. Most of the time, I pause before I say anything. Sometimes it can seem a little rude, but most of the time other people are more interested in hearing themselves talk than hearing my responses. If they actually care about your response, they can be patient for a properly considered answer.