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Being a nice person is not enough.

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autisticstar
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14 Apr 2011, 8:13 am

I have tried my entire life to be a good and nice person but I realize that it's not enough just to be nice to people to make connections with them. I don't want to become a mean person who doesn't care about anybody else at all. In many cases kindness has been seen by people as a weakness.

Has anyone else found ways to relate to other people besides just being nice to them? I often feel like I am treated as if I am only half of a person. Maybe I am too nice. Maybe I should just save being nice for volunteer work and charitable donations. I am at a loss right now as to how to proceed. I feel like I have been a doormat my whole life and I have had enough.



ryan93
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14 Apr 2011, 8:20 am

autisticstar wrote:
I have tried my entire life to be a good and nice person but I realize that it's not enough just to be nice to people to make connections with them. I don't want to become a mean person who doesn't care about anybody else at all. In many cases kindness has been seen by people as a weakness.

Has anyone else found ways to relate to other people besides just being nice to them? I often feel like I am treated as if I am only half of a person. Maybe I am too nice. Maybe I should just save being nice for volunteer work and charitable donations. I am at a loss right now as to how to proceed. I feel like I have been a doormat my whole life and I have had enough.


If you want to be a nice person, do it for your own sake. People couldn't care less if you are nice. or a bastard. In fact, "that" popular kid from your class was more than likely a complete dick.

If you really want to be liked, lose 20 IQ points, think what everyone else thinks, and say what everyone else says. I wouldn't recommend it, though. Just try find someone with similar interests with you, become friends (yes, I know it's easier said than done), and ignore everyone else.


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rabidmonkey4262
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14 Apr 2011, 9:05 am

ryan93 wrote:
autisticstar wrote:
I have tried my entire life to be a good and nice person but I realize that it's not enough just to be nice to people to make connections with them. I don't want to become a mean person who doesn't care about anybody else at all. In many cases kindness has been seen by people as a weakness.

Has anyone else found ways to relate to other people besides just being nice to them? I often feel like I am treated as if I am only half of a person. Maybe I am too nice. Maybe I should just save being nice for volunteer work and charitable donations. I am at a loss right now as to how to proceed. I feel like I have been a doormat my whole life and I have had enough.


If you want to be a nice person, do it for your own sake. People couldn't care less if you are nice. or a bastard. In fact, "that" popular kid from your class was more than likely a complete dick.

If you really want to be liked, lose 20 IQ points, think what everyone else thinks, and say what everyone else says. I wouldn't recommend it, though. Just try find someone with similar interests with you, become friends (yes, I know it's easier said than done), and ignore everyone else.


Ryan93, you are totally right. Most of the time, the well-liked person has a very ugly personality (think politicians and certain businessmen) People can be greedy, selfish, and ego-centric. The people that are at the top of the social ladder are often the ones that exhibit the bulk of these characteristics. If people view "being nice" as a weakness, that's a personality flaw on their part, not yours. Don't stop being nice just to fit in. You won't be very happy with yourself.


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Subotai
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14 Apr 2011, 9:24 am

I think the key to human relationships is give and take. If you each have something to offer each other.



deadeyexx
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14 Apr 2011, 10:55 am

It's good to be nice by helping other people and treating them with respect. However, ignoring your own desires to avoid conflict and gain approval is weakness.

If you find yourself rolling over too much to please other people, learn to be more self-centered.



aria92
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20 Apr 2011, 4:51 am

Maybe try finding people with common interests. Im sorry to say im not rly very adept at making friends and also often have the "too nice" problem. I wish I could be more helpful.



anneurysm
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22 Apr 2011, 9:08 pm

Often it can be something that goes beyond simply being nice to people...you have a big heart but you may be causing people to ignore you in some other way...maybe in ways you don't know about.

I find that a lot of people on the spectrum I know are eager to make friends but their body language and facial expressions give a negative impression to others: in that they will look uninterested in people, even though they really are interested.

Another major thing is balancing the things you do to gain interest in people. So, for example, if you only do nice deeds for people, maybe you could try to have a friendly chat with them as well.

And another major thing is learning how to give and take. Become interested in the other person's life and events (even if you have to fake interest sometimes, which I do a lot!) Ask them questions about themselves and try to listen as much as you can.


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This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term therapists - that I am an anxious and highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder.

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22 Apr 2011, 9:30 pm

ryan93 wrote:
If you want to be a nice person, do it for your own sake. People couldn't care less if you are nice. or a bastard. In fact, "that" popular kid from your class was more than likely a complete dick.

If you really want to be liked, lose 20 IQ points, think what everyone else thinks, and say what everyone else says. I wouldn't recommend it, though. Just try find someone with similar interests with you, become friends (yes, I know it's easier said than done), and ignore everyone else.


THIS x1000