The Friend Stigma

Post Reply New Topic

After reading and replying to alot of posts on this site, I find it disheartening that so many people here believe that they are defective because they don't have alot of friends. They then try to make friends not for their own well-being, but to fit in with the rest of society. I noticed this is more true for the teenagers here than the adults. There is an unwritten social rule that states you must not be much of a person if you can't get other people to associate with you.

It's one thing if you truly want many friends, but I'm not convinced that's the case with some aspies. I used to think I was flawed for not having friends, but I came to the realization that alot of popular people don't actually have many true friends. Many of these pseudo-friends are not very loyal and there is always some irrelevant and trivial drama (to those that think this stops in high school, it doesn't). Also, I find that popular people can be complete pricks, which is more of a personality flaw than anything us aspies have. I'm happy with the one best friend that I had since I was 16. While I continue to be nice to people and work on my social skills, I don't really need any fake friends. Now if by some adventitious chance I meet someone that compliments my personality, then I'll gladly make room in my small social circle.

I don't think I've ever cared about what people thought of me for not having friends. I would like to have more than 1 friend though, because it's a lot of pressure on that 1 friend if they're all you have. 2 or 3 would be good.

The only thing that bothers me is when people (as in co-workers) ask what I did for the weekend and then laugh at me when I tell the truth. It's not that I really care what they think or have any desire to change for them, but it still makes me feel bad.

I'd rather have a few good friends who accept me, than a bunch of fake friends in order to fit in with society.

I have a few friends, but I don't have an urge to hang out. When they want to spend time with me, they call. I'm generally up for it when it happens, but I don't seek it out.

I'd say only two of these friends are really friends. The others just call me a friend because I've gotten drunk and stupid around them. I don't mind their designation, but it just doesn't ring true for me.

I remember a lot of people at school seemed really popular because they had so many friends whereas I just had my 3 and didnt speak to anyone else.

Once I was grown up and long past school and friends reunited website appeared I found that the 'popular' kids were no longer in contact with any of their many friends but I was still good friends with the same 3 people.

Now, those 3 friends all live far away and I do long for friends but 2 types:
1) a group of people I can attend social events with, especially as a mum I find this important, I feel less trapped when I can get out and socialise and I can get assistance or just information about school from someone when I need it. These arent friends I could sit and have an in depth conversation with but in a group I can enjoy their company. I think I have achieved this but I feel I could lose it any time, as they are not close friends there is no commitment for them to always invite me out.

2) a close friend, I only want one of these. someonewho you can rely on, tell anything to, mutually care about each other above most other things, I think I am expecting too much here but I had one once when I was young and still long for this now, I want someone I can depend on, someone that I know would always be happy to hear from me and accept me however I am.

Before I give you my opinion of 'the friend stigma', I'll first tell you a little about myself.

I am considerably older than most of the people who post here - I will soon be seventy years old - so I suspect that I have had considerably more experience with the problem of making friends.

When I was around eight years old, a teacher told my parents that my hearing might be impaired, because I wasn't listening to other people. So they took me to a doctor. He tested my hearing and told my parents that I wasn't deaf. I wasn't listening to other people because what they said bored me.

Smart doctor. He was right. It still bores me.

When I was around sixteen, a teacher told my parents that I might have adolescent schizophrenia (adolescent schizophrenia was a popular diagnosis at the time), so my parents took me to a psychiatrist. After a few months of talking with me, he told my parents that I was the sanest person he had ever met.

Another smart doctor. I've been lucky with my doctors. Not so lucky with other people, though.

When I was in my forties, a co-worker told me that she thought I had ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). Her teenaged son had ADD and, she said, I showed all the 'symptoms'.

When Asperger's became fashionable, I myself wondered if I had it. I now suspect that a lot of people are diagnosed with Asperger's who don't have it, just as a lot of teenagers were diagnosed with adolescent schizophrenia who didn't have it.

Yes, people like us definitely do have a problem. But it's not a psychological problem, nor is it a genetic problem.

It's a problem everyone has. Everyone has trouble making friends in this anonymous society. People no longer live in the same place, or have the same friends, all their lives the way they used to. Most 'friendships' nowadays are shallow, between people who hardly know each other. Most marriages end in divorce because the husband and wife hardly knew each other before they married. Everyone is a stranger now. That's just the way it is, and most people don't think about it. They just accept it. It's people like us who find it a problem.

We think about it, and let it bother us, because we are a little more intelligent than most people. Above average intelligence is a sign of Asperger's. What kind of mental illness is it in which above average intelligence is a symptom?

People with Asperger's find it difficult to empathize with others, or see things from their point of view. Maybe that's because they are more intelligent than most people, and find other people boring and stupid. I know I do.

I don't think I'm a snob. I think everyone is fundamentally good, and deserves to be loved; just not by me.

People with Asperger's tend to get emotionally depressed and anxious. They calm themselves by obsessive-compulsive behavior. Anyone who isn't made anxious and/or depressed by the mess in which the world is in just isn't paying attention. People with Asperger's can't help paying attention, can't help being depressed, because they're more intelligent than most.

People with Asperger's tend to focus narrowly on particular hobbies and/or interests (mine is chess), and ignore the 'big picture'. Who doesn't? The little things we do every day are polluting the earth and destroying it, but most people ignore how their own actions contribute to its destruction. That's how they stay sane.

I don't think that people with Asperger's are really more intelligent than other people; but I do think that, for some reason, they(we?) are more sensitive to the things other people ignore: the poisons which pollute our social environment just as chemicals pollute our physical environment. For some reason, people with Asperger's never learned to ignore the things that most people learn to ignore in order to survive.

I just displayed another sympton of Asperger's. I don't know when to shut up. My apologies.

I've noticed something about the popularity thing back when I was in school. Usually there were one or several "leaders". Then a whole bunch of "followers" and a few people who just didn't want to be a follower.
The "leaders" were usually troublemakers who liked to pick on the nonconformists. Most of the "followers" were "followers", to avoid being picked on (that's my analysis at least). The leaders usually had lots of friends AKA "friends".

Also, the leaders would usually start trends. Like using certain phrases, or having a certain brand of clothing/bags/other.

I was a nonconformist. I didn't try to fit in with the rest of the group. Good times.

Anyhow, I don't recall any of those "followers" helping those "leaders" when they were in a jam.
I've had a couple friends who I distinctly remember helping me out when I needed help.

That's how I learned the meaning of "quality over quantity".

I'm not entirely sure if this adds anything to the topic, so if it doesn't, feel free to disregard it.

I do want friends but I'm not so stupid as to go out to try and seek them. There would be no point because I am not compatible with that many people locally. So I am friendless. It is just one of those things in life. You get used to it.

I don't need friends. I have my husband and family and my baby. I gave up on friends in my teens because we had nothing in common and I got so sick of the rejections and the excuses. They're boring anyway. I'd rather have a friend where we have things in common or just someone to do things with. And friends are lot of work anyway. I learned to do stuff alone and got used to it.

That all makes sense to me, that is what I remember too, I was also the non conformist, me and my 3 friends were talking once and pointed out how the one thing we had in common that had brought us together as a little group is that we were the rejects!

Yes, I always get annoyed with that question. My weekends consist of information-hoarding, solving my cubes, and taking my dog on obnoxiously long bike rides. If that's not an NT's idea of fun, it's not my problem. Somehow I still feel judged, which is so illogical it's irritating.

I do work really hard to have friends and I get super stressed out about it. I understand that only 1 or 2 real friends is technically all you need. But what if u dont have that? but all you have constantly is superficial friends. The thing is that it takes a while to fine a true friend and unfortuenetly I havent found them yet. I have trouble creating that "true" connection with people. Not that I dont have a couple friends that have potential. I do, but I havent known them long enough. The thing I found is that you have to keep reaching out to people and trying to make friends if you wanna find those true friends.

I also do want friends because Im at a time in my life where theres a lot that goes on in a social life. I missed out so much of childhood and I dont wanna waste another moment while being young. Forcing myself to make friends has and interact has taught me a lotta social skills and life lessons which wouldnt have happen if I stayed a loner.

Did you ever try the reciprocation rule? It's pretty simple. If someone discloses a detail about themselves, you disclose a detail with the same level of gravity. I believe it's explained by that Theo-Nestor gal on the home page. It's a really good method to make and maintain platonic friendships. If the person you're talking to is not disclosing anything after you just told them something, that's your cue to back off.

I have learned to answer this question with "Oh I had a quiet weekend, it was nice and relaxing. What did you do?". It takes the attention off me and then they start talking about their weekend and all I have to do is say "That sounds nice". or something like that, from time to time.

I read that people are not all that interested in listening to other people talk about themselves. Really they want to talk about themselves. So turning the question around and pointing it back at them gives them what they want and saves me from the stress of thinking that I am boring someone and embarrassing myself by telling them that I spent the entire weekend watching every episode of Deep Space 9.

That sounds good. I think I'll use it sometime.

I do have a huge problem with disclosing too much. Even when it doesnt come down to disclosing details about myself, I do tend to be the one trying to initiate hanging out as opposed to the other person. But then its hard cause, I dont convey myself very well in showing people that I want to be their friend or I have problems making connections...I really dont know? I will try to put myself out there and communicate as much to someone else as say 1 of my NT friends and guess what people are always much more excited to ask the NT friend...ohh do u wanna do this, or much more excited to see them. Its harder for me to connect to people, even on a low level. Even tho I cant see myself thru a mirror, I see my aspie friend try to make friends. He communicates a ton of empty words and monologues, he doesnt read non-verbal cues, he sometimes doesnt truly get the gist of what your talking about, monotone voice. Basically he just cant connect. I would guess that I have a similar problem...just to a lesser extent. Even tho he makes way more efforts to reach out to people, he has little success. And I can see this from an outsiders perspective. For me, its a lot of hits and misses. Some people that I pushed friendships, my friends are glad to have me as a friend. Others didnt work out. Probably gonna continue doing what Im doing for now until I find a better way to do things.



Good idea...but dont overdo it. I knew an aspie who took this to an extreme extent. Like you can ask about the other person but dont focus 100% of the conversation about the other person. Make sure to add comments about yourself or your opinions. Even when you focus the conversation on the other person...it needs to be reciprocal. And the person might get annoyed that your asking so many questions and your not disclosing much about yourself.