My Social Situation That Really Hurt

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I am a 40 yr old female adult who had been diagnosed with a minor Asperger's Syndrome a few years ago. I always seem to meet people and get along very well until a situation occurs where I feel I need to step in and help and then it turns out to be the wrong thing to do and I get put on the spot for doing that and I end up apologizing. Then people question my actions and then I end up doing something else which also wasn't something proper and I end up apologizing and say I won't do it again but this time they are more angry at me. Then the third time they have had it with me and I loose a friendship. This occurred in a span of 4 months which is why it's hard for me to drop it. I feel like the people they know I shouldn't contact either even if they really aren't friends but more like business people for them. I'm stressed out about this because I really enjoyed being around these people. It's a bummer that something like this can create walls between people who you know can really be beneficial for your life. They were and still would have been a great help to me for business reasons too. Now I've lost this too. They have helped me tremendously. I have informed them that I have Asperger's but I don't like using the "I have mental issues. So blame it on that." scenario. I don't always know when I am about to do wrong until I do it and then get the bad thing to do part. I am myself and I am honest. Maybe too honest which can get me into trouble with people. I have heard back from them after telling them of AS and they know all about it but don't want any more to do with me. This has really put a speed bump on my life!! Can anyone relate to this? Until this happened I didn't think Asperger's was a problem for me but it really is!!

I'm new to the whole AS thing and I wish I could offer advice. But, I've been in that pair of shoes all too many times. If I find a solution I will certainly share it.

On the face of it, it sounds like you may be giving a whole three-minute spiel of advice, instead of ping-ponging it back and forth. And also, might take a lesson from the 'permission sales' in business, just please don't overdo that either, which I myself have a tendency to do any time I learn a new social method.

I can go overboard. I can do things in a "clunky" method. I can get into a mode of all-sending, no-receiving. Sometimes for me, a conscious decision to downshift my perfectionism can work. I can then pay more attention to context.

Maybe after the first mistake, graciously back away for a little bit and give space, then you can kind of enter the fray again. And with enough time, hopefully a second mistake won't be that big a deal.

And I kind of see what you're saying about people you know through business, where network, giving and receiving help and advice is expected. Yes, that makes the whole thing trickier.

By the way, I see that you're relatively new. Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Yes I am new. Thank you for welcoming me!

I'm not sure I know what you mean in your first paragraph. I was volunteering to help someone and so giving my help is what it's about but I have tendency to sometimes help in the wrong way without knowing until it's too late.

Kind of help in smaller steps and ping pong it back and forth? Or, avoid the mistake I sometimes make of talking in paragraphs rather than sentences.

I don't think that I have this problem. I try to keep things I say short, quick and to the point. I just have to be careful how I say it and not sound angry or say it with wording that sounds hurtful. This is more my issue. And also if I should take a stand for that or not. I don't always know when I should not speak my mind because it will just make the situation worse. This is my biggest issue.

I've lost friends by simply inviting them to dinner. TBH, it makes no sense to me.

Once, I was late to dinner because the bus stop changed place and I didn't know. Everyone at the meal had decided that I was 'just waiting for a ride', when I arrived. They basically spent the dinner laughing at me. But I can't drive because of my condition and I spent probably twice as long walking to the location as they did getting there and dining combined.

This is the only time that what NT's thought of me has been explained to me. Mostly it doesn't make sense to me, but it probably makes sense to them. Basically, what seems like giving sensible advice to you, probably doesn't to them.

The same event can be perceived in very different ways by aspies and non aspies.

I know being more specific with what happened would help some of you understand what went on with my situation. I'm just not ready to be more specific. Maybe after more time here, I'll change my mind and give more details.

In the movie, "Remember the Titans," about a high school in Virginia being (finally) desegregated in 1970, there was an interchange between a black young man and a white young man both on the football team. The young black man didn't think the year would work out and said he was just going to get his, I think playing time and stats so he could go on to college. The young white man said, "That's the worst attitude I've ever heard!"

Notice he didn't criticized his intelligence or his character. He criticized something temporary and right now, 'worst attitude,' and he just laid it out there and said what he felt. All the same, I think he could only do this every once in a while. Maybe every couple of months or every twenty times they associate, something like that. But if it's a big enough issue, a person might have to bring it up anyway. And that's kind of the tricky part. It is taking a risk, but sometimes it's a risk worth taking.

Okay, when I was living in Las Vegas, I would play poker and try and be open to the game and avoid conversing so I could focus on the game and afterwards go over to the sports books for the possibility of some interesting conversation. 'How's the game going?' as I slide into the chair. Usually somewhat of a favorable response, and usu. only about one out of three times does it roll into a good conversation and that's okay. I read the advice that if a shy man is looking to meet a woman in a bar, sitting next to her, building up a big head of steam and then saying something like a minute later is just terrible. It puts her on the spot. It shows the man as nervous, etc. Instead, just say something as you take the chair, and it doesn't have to be a line or a big production, just something straightforward, and maybe she'll respond in a positive way, maybe she won't, and either way is okay. (by the way, I recommend poker for social skills, but emphatically not as an attempt to make money, even if a person reads Caro and Sklansky, primarily because of 'natural variance' and inevitable downstreaks.)

And that might generalize, if a stand is taken in the context of a big buildup or a big production, that might put the person on the spot. Matter-of-fact is probably better. And, the person might still choose otherwise, as is usually their right (unless it directly harms someone else).

I myself am trying to respect the right of someone to make a mistake, to be 'illogical' as it were. And also, I think there is an aspect, if a person has talked about something, that's a little bit like they've staked out territory. If I later bring it up in a negative or critical way, that can feel like a pounce (I think, I'm still kind of developing my skills in this area. And, as I remind myself again and again, people are so complex, myself fully included , but yes, of course, we're all complex and fully human , no such thing as 'normal' anyway---that no social skill works all the time. Now, somewhat more 'normal' people might learn this very early on. And that's fine. I'm still learning at my own pace.)

This social situation involves a dog trainer and another dog trainer which treated dogs badly during training. I spoke out and did more harm than good. I will not speak out about another trainer like this again!

I have started doing my own dog training which I have done several years ago and now thanks to the trainer that learned some better ways of training from and I am doing it again!! I'm really enjoying it!!