How to Be Less Annoying?

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I just returned from a vacation with several of my friends from high school, and now, looking to college which will begin in two months, I am not confident that it would be wise for me to live in a dorm. It's difficult for me to tell whether the reason the trip didn't work out was that I'm socially imature or the fact that some of my friends are jerks. I'd venture to say it was a combination of the two, but you be the judge. I'd appreciate some perspective on what I can do to improve my social interactions going forward, and what I can do to prevent people from victimizing me further. I acknowledge I can be irritating sometimes, but the behavior I received on the trip from other people was absolutely unwarrented.

Before the trip began, I got a Facebook message sent to all participants. My friend who organized the trip wrote "
We will NOT put up with crazy annoying behavior while trapped in a tiny house with you for a week. We are NOT kidding. If you can't chill out you will ruin this vacation for everyone. Sorry to say." I was so offended, I almost decided not to go. But I didn't want to miss out on the "fun" so I decided I could tolerate a little bit of animosity. When we got there, I was informed I wasn't allowed to sleep in a bed with everyone else, because I'd be too annoying. So I was stuck sleeping on a couch which reeked of dog (I have a very acute sense of smell) in a room filled with creepy-crawlies. The next night, I decided it would be more comfortable if I could just bring my sleeping bag into my friends' bedroom and sleep on the ground. I was told that I could not come in because I was too annoying. Later, I came in to pick up my phone charger. To my surprise, my friend had barricaded her bedroom door with furniture to prevent me from coming in and posted a sign to the effect of "KEEP OUT CORALIE." It was rather demoralizing stumbling over three chairs stacked up and having everyone screaming at me. Maybe I just didn't get the signal that I wasn't wanted initially, but I kind of feel this was just a bit extreme. I expressed that I thought this was rude and unecessary, and the next day, I heard my friend on the phone with someone back home say "Did you hear about last night? Coralie wouldn't stay out of our room and she totally overreacted."

The next day, a new "friend" arrived late. Prior to this, a different friend approached me and said "you have to stop being so messy and so spazzy. So-and-so is coming soon, and she told me she didn't want to come on the trip if you were going to be there." I almost started crying, because I felt absolutely unwanted. I am aware that I have a habit of staring at people, but every time I'd even glance at someone, the new arrival would yell "STOP IT!! ! THAT'S CREEPY!" Absolutely everything I did was wrong for that girl. I am a very curious person, and was asking one of my friends a bunch of questions about her college plans. The other girl said "stop asking so many questions. No one cares." I was just trying to make conversation, and the only way I know how to do that is by inquiring about other people's plans. People used to tell me I was very shy, so now I always make a point of talking--maybe I overcompensate a bit too much. When I approached a little boy in a restaurant during a trip and asked him what he was coloring, the other girl told me to shut up. If I would follow everyone else out to the beach, people would tell me to go take a walk and leave. I tried being helpful throughout the week to assuage everyone, washing dishes, organizing things (to the best of my limited ability), etc., but people would yell at me for getting water on the counter or spilling stuff because I have no coordination. So naturally, at the end of the week, when someone else left a rather disgusting feminine product face-up in the trash, I was blamed for it and forced to clean up the mess.

I really couldn't handle it anymore and felt worthless by the end of the trip. Whenever I tried to let things go and not approach people about their rude behavior, it would escalate. So then I'd try to be assertive, but it'd border on spazzing out, and I'd worry if maybe I was too angry. I would then act repentant, and approach people diplomatically, but they told me to go away, or to shut up. Any tips for handling nasty people like this going forward? Am I cut out for dorm life? Or do you think I should take some time off?

Well, it doesn't sound like these people were your friends to begin with. It doesn't mean you're annoying or they're mean, just that you guys don't get along. That doesn't mean you can't get along with anyone, just that you didn't get along with them.

A few points seem clear:

1. These people aren't your friends. Friends a) won't treat you like that, ever; and b) will be more understanding about your needs and WHY you behave as you do (I'm assuming you're aspie). To be perfectly honest, it sounds as if they are bullying you.

2. Going on a trip like that was probably a mistake in the first place. You clearly don't find living in close quarters with people to be fun, in fact it sounds as if it's highly stressful for you. Just because something is called 'fun' by everyone else (i.e., NTs), doesn't mean that it will be fun for you.

3. I'd only recommend living in dorms if you will either have a private room or be able to find a private space to get away from people completely. I tried sharing a dorm room with someone for a year and it nearly drove me nuts, even though she was very quiet. I NEED private space. If you don't have a choice, bring a good supply of earplugs and headphones to give yourself a greater sense of privacy.

Those people weren't your friends to begin with, if they felt the need to treat you like dirt. True friends understand you and accept you as you are.

Sounds like you need some new friends.

The people who invited you are definitely not friends. They are bullies, and they are directly targeting you. Their message about not being crazy and annoying seems like it was directly aimed at you as well.

They seem like they invited you on the condition that you act exactly like everyone else as they feel that you are being delibrately annoying to tick them off...but that is far from the truth. You are just being who you are and trying to have fun, and because these people are immature, they just see you as a joke instead of someone who is likely a great friend and fun to be around.

My advice? Delete them off facebook without an explanation and remove all your connections with them. These are toxic people who have no right to be in your life. You deserve people who care about you for who you are.

I have two questions.

1. ARE you annoying? You really need to think hard about this and stop yourself from justifying behavior you determine is annoying. The point is, people find it annoying, and you justifying it doesn't mean they accept that justification.

2. Are you sure these people are actually your friends? It doesn't sound like they treated you very well. Then again, if you are indeed annoying they may have treated you the only way they knew how to.

I think that possibly, they do find some things you do annoying, and also, maybe they are just not the right type of people for you to be friend's with. I think perhaps they have developed an irreversible low opinion, and criticality of you and it might be conductive to distance yourself from them.

As for dorms, there are all types of different people in college, and new people you meet don't have the same perception of you as your current friends do. When you meet someone you have never met before, who has never heard of you, you have the opportunity to define yourself to them. Whether a dorm situation works out for you depends on the both of you.

I'm not sure what aspects of you your current friends find annoying however perhaps the root of this annoying behavior might be that you are not aware of your surroundings in the sense that socially you may not be aware of what is going on around you. Perhaps in addition to that, you seem disorganized and make small things into big dramas because of it and then play the victim. I'm just guessing based on what you have said. I could be wrong.

However the point is, whatever it is that makes you annoying can be overcome with some self reflection and self awareness.

They sound like Friends from Hell you'll be better off giving them the flick.
I remember when I was invited to a birthday party once when I was about 9 years old and I was bullied the whole time.

Ambiguous question, but it raises an interesting point:

NTs find a lot of my behaviour irritating. Almost all of what they do bugs the hell out of me. There are more of them.

To what extent am I willing to compromise and accept annoying behaviour from them? (Personally, I tune them out, they bug me).

The answer is clearly YES you annoy them. And they annoy you. However, there's a middle ground there. If you just try to please them all the time then you will find yourself being bullied. And you ARE being bullied.

I've had good results when I've been able to choose roommates, but dorms were a complete nightmare for me.

You can't just throw someone like me in a living area with 3 random strangers and expect things to work out. One other person maybe (if you're really lucky), but more than that and they start to gang up on you, in my experience.

I can only suggest ditching the high school group (they sound absolutely horrible - I don't care if you were annoying, you don't deserve to be treated like that). You won't know anyone to start but once you get to college, find someone that you can get along with and transfer rooms as soon as you can. Try some of the specialized clubs - that's where I made all of my friends in college - gaming club, anime club, martial arts classes, etc.

Whether you have "annoying" tendencies or not, the way they treated you simply was not okay. I agree with the other posters who have said that these people are not your friends. I would cut contact with them. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

As for the dorm living- I would not recommend living with people whom you have no choice over unless you can be guaranteed to have a space of your own you can retreat to where no one else can enter, like those set ups with tiny bedrooms for each person, but a shared living/eating space.

Damn, these people sound like your enemies, not friends. You'd be better off being alone than being with a group of people who can't stand you.

My guess is that for some NT-type reason, these people were forced to invite you, and maybe hoping that their hostility might keep you from going on the trip. When that failed, it might be that they tried to push you into wanting to go home, but that blew up in their face when you stayed.

Am I annoying? That is an interesting question. I believe I have some idiosyncracies which might irritate others (stimming by breaking pencils, rocking, being scatterbrained, etc.), but I am not behaving in this manner 24/7. I tried my best to give my friends some time to themselves during the trip so they could have a break from me. To look at it objectively, yes, I have some traits which might exasperate people, but not to the point that everyone I come in contact with hates me. I would describe the majority of my relationships with people as positive. Most people, except for these friends, and two or three overbearing adults, respect me.

Where my relationships with people become strained is when I am around the individuals too frequently/for too long of a duration. That is not to say I am on ill terms with my family--most of the time, we get along well. I think when people initially meet me, they find me polite and funny, but after spending extensive time with me (especially in an unstructured setting like a vacation or a social event), they start noticing that something is a little "off" and sometimes, that escalates into irritation. It's sort of like the whole job thing: I practice my interviewing skills, employers are impressed at my enthusiasm and willingness to work hard, but then I take the job and slowly, my odd tendencies are unveiled and people get angry at me. When people just know me on a casual basis, without significant time spent together, maybe a class or two a day, everything is fine. (Except for the one individual in this group of friends. I only shared one course with her, but every day she would yell at me for tapping my feet or rocking in my chair).

I recently had my college orientation, and it was excellent--I can only hope college stays that way. Everyone was friendly, and even though I hate approaching strangers, I managed to strike up conversation with several people and they seemed very receptive. I just don't want college to be a repeat of high school where these friends were genuinely interested in me, they invited me to activities, then they got to know me and were turned off. My dormmates were randomly assigned, and I didn't really have a say in my placement. I spoke with them on Facebook, and most of them seem pretty nice, one having a lot of common ground with me. I'm not so sure about the some of the others though because the one drinks/parties (I do neither), and another one seems just very social and into normal teen things (not that there is anything wrong with that as I have a couple of friends who fit into that category, but typically, I attract more nerdy people). I'm not one to judge though, so I'll see how things turn out. I'm just a little nervous about what they'll think of my stimming, my germaphobic tendencies which greatly agitated my aforementioned "friends," and my general anxiety about things. I can pass for normal, but not in a residential setting.

What age are these girls? seven?

If they don't have the guts to just admit they don't like you (or at least only as a punching bag) then you'll just have to ditch them yourself.

Good riddance too.

....

As for you actually being annoying, I doubt you're half as irritating to live with as this shower of idiots, but you've highlighted a couple of issues yourself that you could maybe work on e.g. the staring and the questions. Just practice toning them down a little.

I do exactly the same myself by the way; I was always the 'quiet one' in the past so I now jabber away making 'small talk' by grilling whoever is next to me. I've only recently realised that it's probably quite hard work for the other person and sometimes I'm so over-compensating that they hardly get a word in edgeways!

I'm working on being more laid back and less intense. Let them make a bit of effort starting chit chat and go along with it and if there are a few silences, no big deal (that's my mantra from now on anyway!)

I don't care what you were doing, there is no excuse for their behavior. If you habitually behave in a way that's so annoying that they feel they need to act like that, they should not have invited you.
Don't take time off school for this. When you get to college, if you are diagnosed you should qualify for some services - then you could talk to an on-campus counselor. They could give you an honest opinion and a plan for dealing with it (social skills training, alternative living situation, etc).
I'm not generally considered annoying, but my roommate freshman year actually requested to switch rooms a month before the end of the semester because she couldn't stand me. I had a whole month with the room to myself Her constant TV watching and social demands were driving me out of my mind.