I'm teacher,m, 42, underemployed, living in a 3-br house with two other men, one of whom I do not get along with well.
Things got tense between us today ...please advise! Yesterday my roommate, 31, and I got into an argument about federal funding for NPR and Planned Parenthood in which he made some statements that were just completely disconnected from reality. I stated, perhaps unadvisedly, that he was either joking about some of his statements, or he was woefully ignorant. He claimed that I had insulted him and that I called him "stupid", which he immediately proclaimed was NOT offensive to him because he is a "mature adult" and I am childish (a variation on "I'm rubber and you're glue", I suppose). I explained that I called him "ignorant", which is not the same as stupid, as one can be fixed and the other cannot. I said that I thought he was smart enough to know the difference. If he didn't feel insulted by the word "ignorant", then why would he re-word it in his mind to be "stupid"? Today, when I greeted him in a friendly manner upon his coming out of his room in the morning, he seemed to be very annoyed with me, as I might expect someone who doesn't know the difference between "ignorant" and "stupid" might feel at being called "ignorant". Most adults admit to feeling insulted without resorting to the cold shoulder. So much for his being "a mature adult" who was not offended. This was nearly 15 hours after our argument. After running an errand for a couple hours, I came home and began to prepare my lunch. He came in after to grab a sandwich and I noticed the living room curtains were open, which creates a glare on the TV , on which I planned to watch some lectures from the TED Talks series while I ate. I asked if he had the curtains open for a reason, by way of determining if I would ask he minded if I closed them. He replied that he wanted them open because it was a nice day. I remarked that there were several other windows open and the one in the living room presented a glare. He said I should watch the TV with the glare. I said I would prefer to watch it without the glare. He repeated that he wanted the curtains to stay open and I could watch TV in my room. I asked him if he planned to do something in the living room for which he needed the light and he began to show some signs of irritation but produced what I would characterize as a "smart-ass" grin on his face as he insisted that it doesn't matter if he planned to be in the room or not, he wanted the curtains open. He told me I was acting like a baby who can't get his way, even though I was clearly trying to reason with him. I replied that I believed he was purposely antagonizing me because, contrary to his words yesterday, he was offended by what I said. He said he didn't care what I thought. I asked if he left the room for 10 minutes or more would he mind if I shut the curtains while I ate. He insisted they stay open even in that case. I asked if he could tell me how long he wanted the curtains open, he said he'd let me know. I said it sounded to me like he was claiming the right to control the environment in a common area, even in his absence, to which he made a comment on the fact that I often watch TV in the living room and he should be able to spend time in the living room if he pleased. It was as if he was arguing with someone who wasn't there. I never questioned his right to use the common area, just the right to control its use when absent. I told him that if he went to his room for more than 10 minutes after finishing his sandwich that I would close the curtains. He said he would come out and open them and asked me, in a challenging tone, what I would do then. I replied that I would call the property manager to request an arbitration. He said he would be curious to see the result. He declared that he wanted to read a book in peace and be left alone, punctuated by the question: "Is that UNDERSTOOD?" I told him I considered that an unacceptable thing to say. He went out to his car to get a book, grabbed a folding chair and sat right by my sofa to read, something he has NEVER done before. He has, in fact, never sat down in the living room for any reason, though not for a lack of invitation. As I told him was my intention before he got his book, I sat down to eat my lunch, a few inches further down than usual on my sofa, asking him to remove his beverage which he had placed on my TV tray where I planned to put my food. I offered to get my headphones if the sound of the TV disturbed him. He replied with an incredulous, irritated, yet somehow dismissive, "What!?" as if was I was saying was a terrible, unwarranted distraction. I began to repeat my offer but he motioned with his hand and repeated he was reading, implying that I was rudely disturbing his peace. I turned on the TV and began to watch the program. He indicated surprise by asking, "You're really gonna watch TV?" I reminded him that this was my stated intention from the start and that I was not changing my behavior in any way from what I had planned to do. Remember, he told me to watch TV, but with the glare. Certainly he had not planned to read a book inches from the foot of my couch, before I asked about the curtains. Now he is unwilling to talk to me, telling me, when I asked if I could talk to him half and hour later, to write it down. My intent was to assure him that I believed we could work this out without escalating things further, that I regret offending him yesterday , and wanted to stop this situation from turning into a game of one-ups-manship in terms of purposely antagonizing one another, as I have no intention to play such games. Now I am worried that I may have invited someone to live with me who is as Type-A as you can get, undeterred in arguments by facts, unashamed of ignoring someone's arguments and calling them childish as they try to reason with him, and like a schoolyard bully, he plays games of primate displacement. I realize that I have an issue with getting emotionally keyed up over things that most people don't bat an eye at, and I was preparing to apologize for that, now four hours later, but Mike said that at this point, he's "over it" and we should just drop it. For me, there's still an issue of him Keeping in mind that I am about two weeks shy of my last unemployment insurance check, no stable work on the horizon, and about three months of savings left before I'm unable to pay rent, what do you think I should do, in addition to keep looking for a job to pay the bills? Keep in mind that I am not looking for one-sided support as I may have some B.S. of my own to work through in this. Please be honest. If you've read this far, thank you. The more advice I get the better I'll feel about this.
30 May 2011, 11:02 pm
