Thinking people like you....finding out they don't?

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This seems to be a recurring theme in my life: I'll be hanging around with people, and think we're all getting along great and are good friends, and then I'll find out later that they don't like me at all, or are afraid of me. Sometimes I hear it from someone else, sometimes from the person him/herself. For example, I was under the impression that my roommate and I got along quite well, and he told me this morning that he hates having me as a roommate because he never knows "how I'm going to act" and thinks I have "multiple personalities" and that kind of stuff....I thought I was just being me, and I had no idea that I was coming off as weird or frightening or any of that. Does anyone else have this problem? Any tips on dealing with it?

I always assume people don't like me, that way I can't be disappointed. I've had too many friendship failures in the past to think positive now. There are people who are nice to me but do they really like me? I for one don't even try to find out unless they actually say it which is rare. I can't even tell if people like me or not, that's how bad it is.

I think it's better to assume people DO like you, because you'll be happier that way...it does suck when the illusion ends though. But it also doesn't take away from my self-esteem at all...like, in the end, I don't really give a F whether one person likes me or not, it's just hard when I THINK it's going well and find out something totally different is going on in their head

I've had roommates who seemed to not favor me or disfavor me strongly. Then I found out that they were complaining about me. Why was I the last to find out? They kept to themselves and I had no problem with that, because I tend to do the same. That's how people normally are, right? I was too busy to give it much thought. Then I found out that the way they were acting toward me was supposed to be interpreted by me as a sign that something was wrong, but I didn't notice anything unusual. Oh well.

Before that I had a roommate who said "He's a nice guy, but..." about me to my next roommate, who in turn made a comment about how it is that the really smart people tend to be a bit messed up, in reference to other prominent researchers including a transgendered electrical engineering professor and also to myself.

Seriously! I heard from friends freshman year of college that my roommate HATED me, and had a "long list of complaints"....not one of which had found its way to me directly. And it's hard because I'm sure he was giving off a TON of social cues that he didn't like what I was doing, but I was never able to pick up on them.

I have no idea. It has always surprised me I think people would like me and then it turns out they don't. I have no idea if someone likes me, even if they are nice to me. I know the rule in society is you are to be nice to everyone, even if you don't like them.

I was six when one of my friends told me she didn't like me after we had an incident at her house but she still came to my house to play so I thought she must like me or else she wouldn't come over. I didn't know she was using me.

When I was eight I knew this girl in my home room and she liked hugging me and always hung out with me when I go to my home room which was regular ed class. Then one day I find out she doesn't like me and I was confused. She had to like me or she wouldn't be my friend. I realize now she maybe felt obligated because I was in special ed so she thought she had to be my friend just because I liked her and always hung out with her, even on the playground. Some kids think they have to be someone's friend because they think they will get in trouble for hurting that child's feelings if he or she pushes the kid away or they think they have to be the kid's friend because he or she is a sped and they be shunned if they pushed the kid away they think.

I remember being 14 and I was friend's with this girl and she said one day in lunch she doesn't like me and I told my mom about it that day and she told me she meant we don't have things in common. I stopped hanging out with her thinking she doesn't like me and one day she is eating with me in lunch and I say "I thought you didn't like me" and she said she does and I told her my mom said when she said she didn't like me, she meant we don't have things in common and she said that is what she meant. She just used the wrong words is all. She misspoke.

There was this other boy who flirted with me and was always offering to help me with things and I thought he liked me and then one day one of his friends tells me he likes me and the boy says he does not and says to me "Beth I don't like you okay." I pushed him away after that. Some kids did tell me he does like me but he was lying because he was embarrassed, even my old aspie mate said the same and I didn't believe them. Why would the boy be embarrassed about liking me?


But it's better to have people be nice to you than not them being nice to you just because they don't like you. I'd rather be ignored than having people pretend to like me. I certainly don't like to be treated badly and would rather be ignored if they don't like me. I usually ignore people when I don't like them but I don't ignore them if they speak to me.

I think even NTs have this problem among themselves, but it is probably magnified with AS. A lot of people are two-faced. They will be friendly with someone, and as soon as they aren't around, they are the subject of criticism and jokes.

The comments in this thread are reading like a biography of my own childhood and early adulthood. I used to hate it when my parents would say or infer that I wasn't good at "reading people", only to find out much later than on many levels, they were right. And the examples I could give are too many to list here.

To this day, I have problems with social situations, especially making first moves in conversation or such. There's always that thing in the back of my head, "what-if". What if I make the same bloody mistakes I made when I was young? How can I tell if the person speaking to me is being straight with me or not? What if I'm not calling this right?

It doesn't help that our society doesn't value honesty, either. I wish that it did - not in the Simon Cowell-type, horse's patooty sort of way, but in constructive, respectful, but honest communication.

In my experience, everyone does dislike me. Ive even found out after years that friends always hated and resented me from the begining.

the only way I have found to deal with this is to act as if people do like me, then it stops there being any circles of negativity. For example if I think someone does not like me and behave as if they dont, they will be more likely to not like me or be sad, but if I behave as if they do like me, Im more likely to make them feel happy or like me.

I think some of us just dont have what it takes to be likeable, I cant change that, so I might as well 'pretend' that people do like me and not be too sad about it all.

Familiar scenario. I know better now, but in the past, I have made the unfortunate assumption that people liked me based on the fact that I wouldn't behave towards someone I didn't like as they behaved towards me. I reasoned that I wouldn't pat someone's shoulder or arm in conversation, laugh vigorously at their attempts at humour or their oddities, or praise their abilities or accomlishments when the exchange didn't demand it, unless I liked them, and presumably this was the way most people thought. Clearly I was wrong about that.

Many NTs are probably a bit insincere by the standards of most people with A.S., but half the time, I don't think people are even affecting to like me. I just think my Aspergian demeanour is a little flat by comparison to many of theirs: I probably smile less, laugh less, and have a diminished awareness of the power of non-verbal communication to convey my feeling towards the other person. So it was easy to misinterptet other people's behaviour in the way that I did, not realising that the meaning of any action can vary considerably from actor to actor; I know people who seek out the company of people they claim to find "rude ... a really horrible person" whom they feel "uncomfortable" around (an extreme exanple, perhaps), and others who are superficially nice or even caring of people they wouldn't really consider befriending.

These days, I'm not so quick to assume someone likes me, but I do tend to remain uncertain until they start inviting me to socialise with them and showing an interest in my life. My fear of rejection is such that I always leave it to the acquaintance to do the above, which may or may not mean I'm missing out on some great opportunities, but although I'd like more, I've got enough friends at the time of writing .

Yea.. whenever I think someone likes me, I'm almost always wrong. I'm pretty sure the current roommates hate me cause I don't talk enough, that happens to me all the time. And then other people will START disliking me because I don't think they like me, but more often than not if I think they like me, they don't anyways.

I've found the people I thought liked my have turned out not to. I think maybe it gives them the impression that I'm arrogant. In a strange way the people I think don't like me end up becoming friends with me. I think its best to just assume people don't like you and be just surprised as tragic as that sounds.

I've had the same thing.Peple pretending to like me, then dropping me like yesterday's Red Deer Advocate newspaper.I've also had some who had another friend of their send me nasty abusive emails and tellin me to stay away from them cuz I was wierd and creeped em out because of such.Many people in my college classes ignore me or make up excuses when I invite them to go out for bbqs at the park and such.I have also been stood up many times....I guess some so called friends think its funny to leave me waiting and wasting my time.

Yes, it's happened to me a lot. Nowadays I just never believe that someone likes me unless I have very convincing proof. Which is never, anyway.

Fake people who pretend to like you?
Who's problem is that?
Who is missing out?

They are playing a joke on themselves. It would be hilarious, were it not so sad...

"Huh - that person thinks I like them but I don't really. I have the wool pulled over their eyes. I'm so sly. I can use them for my own benefit without caring."

Take a step back from such thoughts and examine them for what they are. What a tragic way to live a life. Overwhelming shallowness. What inability to access another person.

And Aspies are supposedly walled off and detached.

Look at what "emptythy" does to people.

When you find out people who pretended to like you actually lied about it, be happy. It's their loss. It defines their ankle deep character.

They are incapable of genuine friendships because if they were, they would not make such a mockery of it.

Send out real bonds and don't be disappointed with yourself if you find out that you were wrong. If you find out that you were wrong about a friendship being real, it turns out you are actually not the one who is wrong.

With most people, I honestly have no idea whether they despise me, love me, or are mostly indifferent. Therefore, I am unable to assume anything. However, although I don't know the reasons for it, I know that I am alone.